Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Enough

A friend sent this little poem to me, and it is too sweet.


Reese,

I thought of you with love today

But that is nothing new

I thought about you yesterday and days

Before that too.


I think of you in silence, I often speak your name

All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.


Your memory is my keepsake

With which I'll never part

God has you in His keeping

I have you in my heart.


Several friends have told me they don't want to keep asking how I am doing because they don't want to bother me. Don't worry, it does not at all! I will be honest and tell you if you want to know. I'm as real now as I've ever been.

Some days tears are at the surface, other days they are not as close.

It's still difficult for me to grasp that a regular day means going to Reese's Garden, feeding the ducks with Zach, wondering when her gravestone will come in, thinking about the flowers I want to place in her vase.

I should be cleaning spit up off clothes, talking high pitched baby talk, putting endless bows in Reese's hair, reminding Zach to please quit throwing balls at his sister, and dazed for lack of sleep with a newborn.

Mixing in grief throughout the "normalness" of life. Shopping at the grocery store or the mall and facing a stranger who asks me if Z is my only child. As Zach naps each afternoon I wonder what Reese and I would be doing and can almost see her playing in her little bouncer.

I thank GOD for Z, and I love taking care of him. He needs us. We need him. He does not bring Reese back, but he does soften our pain. What joy he brings us. Countless times I have wondered how people go on after losing their first child when the pain of losing our second child seems unbearable. I know GOD has a different path for all of us, and He has chosen to show us His grace and mercy through Zach.

At the same time I wonder what all I have missed in my friends' lives since Reese was born. I know they don't want to "burden" me with their issues. Everyone has been unbelievably loving, supportive, and understanding. Just what I need as we heal.

I also miss the silly regular things of life, but at the same time what used to be important to me is not anymore. I long for the day when my heart is light and memories of Reese are much more sweet than heartbreaking.

I am so glad there is more than this life. Often I think, "Jason and I have had ENOUGH." At those times GOD always shows me He is Enough.


We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

45 comments:

The Morris Family said...

praying for you daily.....

Cindy

Fabiola said...

What a wonderful poem!!!

And as always, you are so real and so sweet to show your emotions and be so honest with all that you are going through.

It made me think when you wrote a few posts back and I quote: "When Satan threatens a disagreement between Jason and me, someone is praying for us to be one and to stand together through our pain."

Satan really threatens every couple in some way and we can always rely on God.

God bless you!!

Fabiola

Becky said...

Sometimes it seems so cruel that life goes on doesn't it? What used to be so normal, so taken for granted isn't that way anymore.

One thing that impresses me about you is that you are so sensitive to the feelings of others. What they must feel like. If the situation is making them feel uncomfortable. You have such a servant's heart Katie. And although it leaves you open and vulnerable at times, it is the best kind of heart to have......

Tracychele said...

Hang in there, friend. I do not believe time heals wounds, but it does ease the pain and the memories will be sweet. Keep your sweet head up.

Summer said...

Wow Katie, thanks for being soooo real! I am soooo sorry you and your family have to go through this! I am glad you have Z to get you through the tough times and make you smile when you don't feel like it at all!
That poem is great! Your lucky to have such a sweet friend! Hang in there! I hope how soon time eases your pain!

Booksh Bunch said...

I am praying for you constantly and I know with God's Grace you will get through this. He will guide your path though I have not been there. Lot's of Love sent from us:)

Nicole said...

Amazing post! i am always so impressed with how well you write your feeling! GOD is sure working through you as you touch others lives!

madteapartyfurniture said...

God never gives us more then we can bear, your blog reminds me of this daily. Thank you

The Niemeyer Nest said...

Beautiful! I think it is amazing you are able to be so honest and real. You are ministering to us all in a special way. Reese is one lucky girl to have such a strong mommy!

Sunny said...

You will never be the same. After experiencing the level of loss and pain of a close loved one, you are extended to a greater level of feeling. You will feel deeper, love deeper, your compassion will be deeper; your soul has grown in its capacity to feel. It's so true that what was once important, is simply not any longer.

I'm glad that you have Zach too. Such a beautiful reminder of God's presence.

Darla said...

I love that poem. I have a friend who lost her first son a few days before his third birthday. She speaks about the difference between happiness and joy. I wrote about it on my blog on 3/11/09 if you'd like to see it. So much of what you say echos her thoughts.

Thanks for sharing your heart.

Melissa said...

katie-
you constantly inspire me with your honest words. love you girl.

Beth said...

Katie,

I have come to your blog countless times, attempting to leave a comment, but never having the right words to say.

You see, my third son was born September 3. I look at him, and with every breath he takes, I know that I am blessed beyond measure. Why he's here and Reese is not, I do not know. It breaks my heart. It brings me to my knees time after time. I am so sorry that your heart is hurting, and that your Reese is not in your arms.

Know this: every post, every word you write gives me hope and encouragement - strenghtening my relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ. Reese's life is continuing to bring glory to His name.

I pray for you daily, Katie. I know that God has your name on His heart, that he is carrying you.

"Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."
-Matthew 11:28

Blessings from Michigan,
Beth

Casi said...

Love, love, love the poem! It's fabulous, Katie. I continue to pray for your sweet family. Each time I see a newborn or walk through the infant section in a department store, you cross my mind and I stop right there to pray for you.

It has been such a joy to get to know you through your blog posts. While I wish it had been under different circumstances, I know He has a divinely brilliant plan for the Rowe family.

The Cummings Family said...

I found your blog-you encourage me. I'd like to encourage you. My pastor preached a sermon on Sunday called "How big is my God?" www.brookside.net has the message streaming to listen to it. Thanks for being God's light!

stb said...

You are amazing and strong.

JamieW said...

Katie,
I have a 19-month old son and on August 20th we lost our second son (he was stillborn at 38 weeks). I actually ran across your blog when we were both blissfully pregnant and came back across it this week. This post hit me on so many different levels and it made me feel better to know that you have many of the same thoughts and feelings. I pray for your continued strength and healing.
Jamie

Taylor said...

Bless your sweet heart, I just think you are amazing! That poem is precious and little Zach has no idea how incredibly loved he is!!!

Still praying!

Mommy 2 One Angel said...

Thank you for sharing this sweet poem. I'm amazed at your strength. I know that it's God's amazing power and the prayers of others that carries us in time of loss. I'm still praying for you.

Kelli said...

Sometimes the deepest,darkest times make us realize that God IS enough!! Thanks for this precious reminder that He is the ONLY source of true joy. Happiness is circumstantial, joy comes from our Lord. Hugs :))

Janie said...

Love the poem! Just know that you are constantly on my mind and in my prayers! I know that Z is such a comfort to you...thank you for sharing your healing with us. God is doing amazing things with you and your family! Stay strong...and thanks for sharing your feelings...you are so genuine. You can tell that God is your rock!
Janie

Trac~ said...

Continuing to send lots of love, thoughts and prayers to you and your family. The poem is BEAUTIFUL! Thanks for sharing! Big hugs, Trac~ :O)

Life with my sweeties said...

The poem is so sweet. It still just breaks my heart to think about what you are going through and the tears just creep up on me. I think and pray for you often. I hug my girls a little tighter everyday. I do hope that one day it will be a little easier for you. I pray that Jesus will just wrap his arms around you to provide some comfort.

Hugs,
Melissa

Sara said...

The poem is perfect and I am sure you will treasure it.

Like so many others I think of you several times a day as I care for my own kids, read, and do my devotions. Your family is continually in my prayers.

Mary said...

I love your honesty! As always I have no words to say, just wish I could somehow take your pain away. Hugs!!

busymom said...

Still praying for you without ceasing. Heard a new version of I'll Fly Away today-and I cried like a baby. Partly because I remember it from childhood, partly because of Reese. I think it's by Jars of Clay-I'm looking for it at the itunes store. : ) May Peace be with you today. Hugs, Holly

Lindsay said...

So beautifully said....

I love this poem. You are so real and so sweet and again it is so amazing the honestly you have with your emotions. I have no doubt that God is going to glorify you in the midst of this rain.

(hugs) :)

Leanne said...

Your honesty is refreshing and wonderful.

Alex and Jill said...

Though I haven't been through the same thing...there is always something in each one of your posts that I need.

You are surrounded by some wonderful friends...such a sweet poem.

((HUGS))

Shelly said...

Love the poem and love how open and real you continue to be.

Thank you.

Mindy said...

The poem and your words are just too sweet.

Praying for you every single day...

Treybee's Mom said...

I read your blog and I tell you that your strength and positive words have been very uplifting for me. I can't begin to imagine the grief that you are going through but I had to let you know that your words have inspired someone that you don't even know.

I will keep you and your family close in my prayers.

Karen said...

Still checking in on you, still reading, still praying.

Julie said...

Katie, we dont know each other at all. i found your blog because I stumbled on Shannon's blog one day. I have been following you and what an amazing faith in God you have. You give me inspiration. I have a dear friend who's husband is in a life or death situation in the hospital. I have found that some of the verses you post have brought her a great comfort. Thank you for your faith. You have inspired me to get more in the word and search out these verses for myself and apply them to my life. Prayers for you and your family. julie smith

Rachelle H said...

I kept thinking of the song "Enough" as I was reading. . .I'm assuming you know it, but just in case, I had to mention it. . .If not, google the words by Chris Tomlin

"All of You is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with Your love
And all I have in You is more than enough"

"You are my supply
My breath of life
And still more awesome than I know
You are my reward
worth living for
And still more awesome than I know"

jess said...

I admire you more and more every day. Especially when it comes to your honesty and your heart!!

:) jess

Mommy 2 One Angel said...

Katie,

You're welcome. I too, know how it is to be "distracted" from deep pain. Bradyn has kept me on my toes and my "head above water" so to speak in the last four months. God has perfect timing. If I didn't have my son to keep me alive and busy I would be miserable. Every day that I live I am reminded of my brother...I'm reminded that he's not here anymore to be a part of Bradyn's life, but I have to also remember that somehow it's all in God's plan. That isn't easy...but I just trust God. God is amazing and I'm so thankful for my relationship wit him, as you are. Hang in there.. Life after death is hard, but God walks with us.

SouthernGalsBoutique said...

I love the poem!! Hang in there.. that was a great post...

Karen said...

Katie~
I lost my mom a little over a year ago and I can well remember feeling that the things that you wrote...feeling like I was missing out on friends' lives, knowing that things that used to be important no longer seemed so, and wondering when I (we) would be able to talk about Mom without so much pain. That time did come for us. We still have moments, sometimes more frequent than others, but slowly healing has come. I guess I share all that to say I understand (although our situations are very different), will be praying accordingly, and to encourage you that the Lord will continue to be with you in the process and see you through to new ground.

Rachel Cox said...

What a sweet sweet poem.

I shared your story with my ladies Bible study last night... you are never far from my thoughts or prayers!

Brent and Kayla said...

That was a beautiful poem! I feel the need to share that I think about your family daily. Having walked this road myself I hurt so badly for you! I can say that it does get easier, but things will never be the same again. I have two other children besides Wyatt, who we lost. When people ask how many children I have without hesitation I say three...two here with me and one at home in Heaven!

Momofgirls said...

Praying for you today, sweet girl.

susieh77 said...

Oh, sweet Katie, a "regular" day should not entail going to the cemetery every day! I know you miss your baby girl, but she is not there!! She is with Jesus!!! Please don't torture yourself so, and please don't do that to little Zach. (p.s. I speak from experience).

Rikki said...

That reminds me of the words to one of my favorite praise and worship songs...."And all of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me, with your love and all I have in You is more than enough." I can't begin to know the pain you feel but your post reminded me of that song. Your blog is so real and I think it helps those that read it. Thank you for sharing your lives with us.

Kerry Ann said...

what a beautiful poem. I too have lost a baby, my son Andrew. My son was stillborn at 36 weeks on July 2, 2009...just 3 months ago. My sister told me about your blog, which she learned about through Kellys Corner. I've been following it and for some reason have never left a comment. I am very inspired by your faith. Thank you for sharing you story.
http://herownpace.blogspot.com/
Take Care, Kerry

 
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