Tuesday, September 8, 2009

These Days

My God, my Rock, in Him will I put my faith; my breastplate, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my safe place; my Saviour, who keeps me safe...

2 Samuel 22:3

Thanks for stopping by today. I know it's how many of you check in on me since I'm not really answering my cell yet. ; ) Writing is the best way right now for me to communicate.

This past week since Z and I have been out more, I have been running into people I don't know well but who also knew I was pregnant. Since they haven't seen me lately, they just assume that I have had Reese and everything is going well. They are sweet enough to ask the usual questions someone would ask. No one expects my answer. I knew it would happen, and it's ok. I may put on a brave face as I talk, but trust me, I lose it when I walk away and get into my car. GOD's grace truly covers me.

I love talking about Reese, it just catches me off guard to tell people who do not know we have lost her. She is anything but lost, I know, but that's just how I feel right now. 

I am amazed when receive an email or read a comment about how GOD puts me on your heart as you go about the little tasks throughout your day. As you take care of your newborns or play with your babies. Thank you for responding to Him. Thank you for giving that extra kiss or hug to your child because you know I cannot give Reese that kiss or hug. Thank you for praying for me when I feel like I cannot. Right now it's all those little things...putting bows and headbands in Reese's hair, hearing her newborn noises, getting to know her personality that I miss desperately.

I take such comfort in sitting out on my deck when Z takes a nap each afternoon, listening to the beautiful songs people recommend to me. The Godly words calm my heart and soothe my soul. Even though letting Reese go was the hardest thing we have ever done, I have never felt so close to my Saviour. Never in my life felt Him so near.

This doesn't mean I don't get mad or upset. I will always have questions, but I know GOD wants my honest feelings. He knows them anyway. ; ) He can handle my thoughts and anything I say to Him. My heart can be breaking, yet I can thank Him at the same time for His faithfulness and guidance. Oh, He is so faithful. He is good to bring me back to His comfort, His peace at each aching moment.

I have tried to thank several of you for sharing different stories with me about how GOD is leading you to pray for us, but some of you are hard to find. Maybe you don't want to be found. ; )

I have some adorable pics of Z from our weekend, and I'll share them later this week. Thank you for loving on me and praying us through each day. 

50 comments:

Brittany said...

I love your new look! :) What a generous gift from a prayer warrior!

I know that we don't know one another, but I still think about you and pray for you....your post always bring tears to my eyes and my heart aches for you during this time. Keep holding strong to Him and know these are the days that he is carrying you on the sandy beach when you cannot walk one more step. (My favorite poem is Footprints in the Sand).

I have suffered 2 miscarriages in the past, however, losing a child that you held in your arms...well, there are no words.....only prayers. Little Reese has made such an impact on this world already.

May He keep carrying you,
Brittany

Casi said...

Katie,

I absolutely love your new look! You seem to have an affinity towards red as do I :-)...

Life has gotten crazy with school back in session, which has not allowed me to comment as often as I'd like but know I still think of and pray for you daily. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings so transparently. I know it takes a tremendous amount of courage but it also helps to know exactly how to pray for you and your beautiful family.

You continue to inspire me on a daily basis.

Casi

The Niemeyer Nest said...

So sweet Katie! I am crying thinking of those people asking you about Reese. That must be so HARD! You are still in my thoughts and you have are continuing to make my faith stronger each day. I LOVE that you said you still get angry and mad sometimes -that makes you seem more real. I would not be able to be brave and strong like you. You are such an amazing example to us all! I hope that time can heal some of the rawness of Reese not being with you but it will never go away. God will continue to give you peace!

Kelly said...

Still here and still praying for you. I'm always so happy when you've got a new post. I like to hear how your days are going.

I know you're missing all the million things you do with a newborn and all I can say is that I'm sorry and even though I don't know you in "real life", I love you and admire you. As the old children's song goes, "they are weak, but He is strong".

Mindy said...

Your words, though I'm sure you don't feel it, are so profound for all of us to read.

My prayers continue for you in a strong, strong way.

Choofy Mama said...

thoughts and prayers with you mama. that was always so hard for me, to go somewhere I hadn't been (gymboree, a toy store, etc) and people that didn't know me well enough to KNOW...but enough to know I was pregnant. I almost felt worse for them than me, b/c they were so horrified that they had asked, heh, that I spent more time consoling them than they me ;)

God's grace is good, and I 100% know what you mean about being honest with your feelings. I grieved, was broken, devastated and yet never doubted that God was in control and that He was good.

Blessed Be Your Name was a great song I listened to all the time after Catti died.

<3

AmberKoren said...

I love the new look! Give me any opportunity to see pictures of Reese and I have a smile on my face!

I cry just reading this. I can't imagine how scared you are to go in public. I've always thought about that after a death. How would I ever go back to work, or to the grocery store or even to church... as theraputic as it may be. It would still just kill me.

I know we don't know each other but I feel I know you inside and out. I get so excited when you have posted a new entry. I've told my husband about you, I've let them both read Reese's Story and we pray together for your grace and strenght. You cross my mind every day, I pray every day and have no plans on stopping any time soon :)

He wraps you in his arms,
Amber

Yocumotion said...

we do continue to pray for yall everyday! you are on our heart.

Candy said...

still thinking of you often and praying for your whole family as you face each new day! you are so strong and such an inspiration! thanks for sharing your heart with us in blogland. :)

abxmomof3 said...

Hi Katie,

I have been keeping up with your blog and I am so inspired by the way you are handling everything. You are truely an amazing soul.

I wrote to you earlier and told you that I actually have know you for a hile. Growing up in Osceola in the summers and all. You have a great family and have such great faith. You have such strong people around you. If is ok to get upset and angry - those are natural processes. I did the same when I had a miscarriage many years ago. Reading your blog has brought back so many Osceola memories to me - things I had long forgotten.

Of my 3 children, my middle child, Zachary, my Z man, is my rock and my strength. I think that must come with the name.

Stay strong and know that you are very loved and thought of each day.

Vickie Driver Heydenreich
abxmomof3@aol.com

Bierman Adventures said...

Katie,
You're strength continues to amaze me. I will be praying for you as you are getting out more & answering those tough questions.

Sunny said...

I can somewhat relate with that feeling of running into people and them asking you about Reese. It's not the same as losing a child, but nevertheless it's pain about sharing a loss when people don't know you've experienced it. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. For whatever it helps, you are brave to face the world after such a short time. I remember looking around me in the grocery store, driving down the road, walking around at the mall and thinking to myself, "These people have no idea how bad my heart hurts right now. They have no idea that I just experienced death." I'm so thankful that you keep turning to our Lord for His comfort. I pray the blood of Jesus over your home and marriage that you would find comfort and safety there. Praying for you...

Lauren Kelly said...

1. I love you heart.
2. I love your faith.
3. I love your spirit.
4. I love you

Cuddles and Chaos said...

Katie
Thank you for writing in your journal and allowing us (so many strangers at that) come together to be your prayer warriors, to carry you somewhat through this time.
I've never lost an earthly child and even with miscarriages people don't know what to say. Sometimes I found myself wanting to hide because I couldn't handle their grief and the looks on their faces...because I felt obligated to comfort them and take away their pain while I was trying to understand my own. Sometimes what they said hurt me and I wanted to protect myself from extra hurt even though unintentional. I hated hearing that I was young and could try again, because I had lost a child(ren) who I had dreamed about and even having "more" time couldn't take away that child from my heart, from my soul, from my being. Of course until they, too, experienced such a loss they could never understand that pain. Just as I being unable to completely understand your pain.
What I can promise you is to lift you up. To pray for you, to think of you and of your family and Reese. A day doesn't pass where something relating to your family doesn't cross my mind.
Your trust in Him is breath taking and He does understand your tears and pain.
When we lost our first child when our son was 17 months old, I couldn't let him go. I hugged him more,etc. But it hurt too because I knew more of what I just just lost. I can only imagine it's like that for Jason and you with Z.
When we finally had our second earthly child, and she was hospitalized at 6 months. We were told that she would likely never leave the hospital. Faith carried me. I cried, I asked questions, I prayed....but my conversations with Him is what got me through the days. I can't imagine going through such sad times without Him by our sides. You are not alone and I'm so thankful that His presence is with you. For God so loved the world, For God so loves Katie, For God so loves Reese.
Have a blessed day.
Christi

Kelli said...

Your sweet, gentle spirit jumps out at me through your words! I am praying for your strength to just be able to breathe day to day. Thanks once again for sharing your pain with us. We are here to bear each others burdens and to weep with those who weep!!

Alex and Jill said...

My heart always aches as I read what you're going through with each passing day without Reese. I continue to pray that God would take some of that heartache off of you and Jason and place it on some of us that are covering you both in prayer. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings during such a difficult time, Katie.

Jill A.

run26.2mom said...

God is truly your rock! I cannot imagine having to respond out of the blue with your son in tow to an innocent question that should be met with a joyful answer.

You mentioned one time in a blog entry that you run and I think your dad. I was running the other morning in the dense fog. It was very very peaceful. As you know when you run your mind goes to many places. Well, you and your journey came to my mind. I prayed and this thought came to me for whatever it means...
Someday maybe you could possibly honor Reese with a memorial run to honor her and to help others. A cause or organization that means a lot to you and your family. The name Reese means "enthusiasm". I know this because it was on a list of girls names for our second daughter.
Ok, I am not one to suggest things it just really stuck with me the last couple days. I feel silly writing it :)But how awesome it could be for you , your family and her grandparents.
I hope to set up a blog soon to share a little bit of my life. Your blog continues to amaze me and humble me daily. Thank you.
Peace.

Summer said...

Your new blog look is beautiful! Girl thank for stopping by my blog and thanking me for crying and praying for you, but girl ya don't have to thank me... I do it because I want you to be O.K. and I want you to know you are not alone when it comes to losses. It does get easier but you'll never forget. The worst part seems to be what you experienced, when someone you hardly know asks about how the baby is doing... and you are taken aback... You sound like you are handling it well... And I am gonna quote Angie from Bring the Rain on this one "And I know there'll be days when life brings me pain, But if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the Rain..."
Hang in There
P.S. ya don't have to put on a brave face all the time... it's o.k.
Summer

The Murphy's said...

Katie

You have been in my prayers and thoughts since I first saw Leslie Lorhdings post about you and your beautiful daughter! Your posts bring me to tears and your strength amazes me! Your words come straight from the heart and I pray that your heart heals more everyday. Your Reese touched so many lives in such a short time, you should be a proud momma! I can't imagine what you must be feeling, but I pray that if I ever have to face something so difficult that I handle it with the grace and belief that you have.

God Bless you and your family!
Hilary (a friend of Leslie's hubby from KS)

2 little Boys said...

Katie,

I know we don't know one another (and I know you read that all the time ;-) ) but I check in on ya'll daily just to see how God is lifting you up today. I love your comment "GOD wants my honest feelings. He knows them anyway. ; ) He can handle my thoughts and anything I say to Him." That is so true, and so many miss the opportunity to have a real conversation with the Savior. I am so glad you have found the ability to chat/scream/cry/laugh with our Father it makes the walk with Him so much more real. Stay strong or weak in the Savior's arms because He will take you any way He can get you. Ya'll remain daily in my prayers.

Daily laying it at the Master's feet!
Laura Ann

Heather said...

Katie- I am so thankful that God continues to bring you to mind for me to pray for. My heart just breaks for you and how you must miss Reese so much. I can't help but cry when I look at my baby girl and think of your loss. For you to continue to respond to others with grace (and answer their questions with grace) is a true miracle! I lift you up in prayer all day long. I don't know you in person, but the Holy Spirit has allowed me to know you through prayer. My heart physically aches for you and I am just praying that I will always continue to draw close to Jesus just as you do.
Your faith is so encouraging! I pray God blesses you with so much more of Himself each day!

Kristin said...

Katie, it was so good to see you for a few moments this morning. Your blog looks great! Love all the red. :)

Megan & Corbin said...

I've never commented before, but I just felt like I needed to tell you what a blessing your blog has been to me. Though my life has taken me no where near as deep of a valley as yours has, you have helped me to remember that God is the same on the mountain AND in the valley. You are such an encouragement to me to continue my walk with the Lord and strive to know him more and more each day. Thank you for that.

I pray that each day is a little more beautiful for you.

Momma X 4 said...

Hi Katie -

It's me again! :) I love your blog.....the strength, courage, trust and Faith you show that you have in our mighty God. You inspire me to be a better mom and have more patience with my 4 children. I am a single mom to 4 kids - ages 10, 7, 5 and 14 mos. I think of you and Reece and I look at my kids and thank God for my blessings.

I know how quickly things can change in an instant regarding the health of our babies. My 5 year old, he was 8 weeks old when they found a grapefruit size tumor (malignant) on his liver. It was by the Grace of God that it was discovered and removed. He wouldn't have lived another 2 weeks because he would have died from heart failure. Today, he is a pistol and really keeps me on my toes - and I thank God for him and my other 3 children everyday.

I pray God will continue to guide you and embrace you as you go through this horrible loss you all have suffered.

You mentioned in this blog that you can't find some of us - I have my blog private for personal reasons and I don't update it much - when I get on a blogging roll, I will invite you to join! ;)

Still praying~
Michelle
Oklahoma

Janie said...

Katie I am loving your new look! I love red as well!
I wish that there was some magical way to take your hurt and anger away. I know all too well the pain your feeling and the questions that you want answered.
My hardest time was (and still is) when strangers ask me how many children do I have. We are approaching Lila Rae's (my angel) 3rd birthday and that answer just doesn't get any easier. But its like you said God wants me to be honest with him about my feelings. He knows that I am always going to ache to hold my baby girl but I know that He will always hold me.
I can also see sometimes when I'm gettin' hugs or kisses from one of my babys...or maybe just a smile.....that its Lila Rae shining through them. Thank God that you have Z because I trully believe that our children can be the best therapy.
I am still praying for you and your family.
God is good.....ALL the time,
Janie

hi-d said...

I enjoy reading your blog and feel like I know you even though I've only been following you for the past several weeks. My heart goes out to you. I think and pray for you often.

You are brave. You are strong! You are inspiring! You have NO idea how many people's lives you are touching and will touch. This will always keep Reese alive in your heart and mind, because you have a very powerful story to tell. And of course she's ALIVE more than ever and PERFECT in heaven...I believe the Lord is bringing you closer and closer to Him even in the midst of this. I think He has a very special plan for you, Katie.

I love how you are so transparent and real. I've said it before and I'll say it again...you are grieving and going through a process. It's going to take time. Nobody can tell you how you're going to react, what you're going to feel, i.e. when people come up to you and don't know what happened. Just know, that every time you mention Reese's name, God is smiling down on You. He loves you SO much. I can see from your blog that you have a lot of wonderful, supportive people around you! That is awesome!

Keep up the writing. It's so wonderful that you can express yourself that way. Don't feel guilty for not talking on the phone (not saying you are,) but "just be." That's all you can do right now. Jesus is right by your side each and every moment.

Sorry...I feel like I'm writing a book!

"Provide for those who grieve…a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor"
(Isaiah 61:3, NIV)

hi-d

~Mrs. Guru~ said...

Praying for you and your family.

Meredith said...

I love your blog design also! Please remember I am praying for ya'll during this hard time. I know you will think of Reese very much but know that is okay. Remember God is with you always.

Lil' K said...

I know you may not want to hear this all the time, but you are an inspiration to me - as a mother and as someone who amazed me with her faith. I have lost loved ones in the past, and I know I didn't handle it with the grace you have. So, thank you for your honesty, your beautiful Bible verses, and for making me want to be better.

Blessings and prayers always...

Todd and Courtney said...

Thinking and praying for you today. Thanks for the sweet comment on my blog. Ya'll are so loved Katie! I can just imagine seeing Reese playing in heaven with her angel friends!

Sallie said...

Katie,
I found your blog by way of Kelly Stamp's blog...( who I don't know either ), but have just constantly checked on you since your illness.
I couldn't imagine that happening, while you were pregnant, but you came through so gracefully, and thankfully, okay. Lots of prayers during that time. When I heard about Reese it was almost TOO much!
Why, Lord ? They have already been through so much...and to such obviously faithful people??
I've been amazed at your strength...and what a blessing it has been to others who may travel or have traveled that road themselves. The internet has made our world so much smaller, but HE has used it in a mighty way to reach so many. I think I saw you mention that you were a Baylor girl...which caught my eye! ( and not a bit surprised! ) I am old enough to be your mother, and actually you probably were in school with one of my boys, but that green and gold still ties us together!! Just wanted you to know you were being prayed for still...
with all sincerity....Sallie Baker

Kim said...

Katie,

I may not know you, and you may not know me but you have given me an abundance of hope and I admire you so very much. I can only wonder what you are feeling how you are coping and how you find the strength to go on daily. Reading your blog has given me so much inspiration. You are a strong courageous woman and to share this with others makes you that ten times more. May God Bless You and your family.....

Hugs....
Kim

Ashley Jo Anglin said...

I needed those words today. I lost the baby I was carrying last night. And, when I was drowning in my sorrow God put you in my heart and I thought of you. I know what I am going through is so hard, but I cannot imagine your pain. I will keep praying for you. God is our shelter from this storm.

Life with my sweeties said...

Thinking of you often. It stills breaks my heart to think of all that you are dealing with.
I don't know if I was one of the folks you were looking for but wanted to let you know I recently moved my blog.

Hugs!!
Melissa

Ann said...

Dear Katie, Someone asked me about you a few days ago, and she didn't know of your loss of Reese. That's the first time I considered that you would face those questions. I'm sorry. May God give you the grace to go out into the world.

Speaking of songs, I thought of you Sunday with our 'song of the month'. Look for Aaron Keyes 'My Soul Finds Rest (Ps. 62)' if you want to learn it.

I'm praying for you every day.

love,
Miss B.

Becky said...

So often when I read your writing, I think of Heather, a dear woman who lost one of her triplets when he was 6 due to a rare form of childhood cancer. They have some very special ways that they minister in his memory, especially in the area of pediatric cancer. She too loves the Lord and has gone through those many feelings that you are now going through.
One of my prayers is that you will be able to find a way to minister in Reeses' memory when the time is right. Although, you have a sweet testimony right now, through your blog.

Be still. He is God. He loves you with an everlasting love.

thoughts of a beggar said...

great new look!! it's so cute and it seems like you, even though we don't know each other.

telling people who don't know is one of the hardest things. while losing a father in my teen years is no where near the loss of a child, but grief is sometimes the same.

i think of you often, especially when i babysit. i do give an extra hug and kiss for Reese.

praying for you,
katie

ps. listen to Meredith Andrew's CD called The Invitation. Draw Me Nearer and You're Not Alone are absolutely incredible!

The Morris Family said...

Yes, He is our Safe Place. I wrote a post today that has to do with having the opportunity to drink from a Well verses a waterpot and the only way I could get to the depth of what the Well has was in the scripture, he must needs go through Samaria. It is for our good as we travel this Samaria because there was a Well and Jesus sat upon it and the woman replied, Sir, give me this water. Oh, may his well spring come up and out of our lives, this trial, this pain and sorrow.

Praying for you!!

Cindy

The Morris Family said...

Yes, He is our Safe Place. I wrote a post today that has to do with having the opportunity to drink from a Well verses a waterpot and the only way I could get to the depth of what the Well has was in the scripture, he must needs go through Samaria. It is for our good as we travel this Samaria because there was a Well and Jesus sat upon it and the woman replied, Sir, give me this water. Oh, may his well spring come up and out of our lives, this trial, this pain and sorrow.

Praying for you!!

Cindy

Sheila said...

Just wanted to know that I too pray for you multiple times a day. I have a 17 month old daughter and a 7 week old daughter and my heart often aches for you. I think of you through out the day and when times get difficult and both the girls are crying I think of you and how you would love to be in that situation and remember to be thankful. Your strength and faith amazes me.

Laura said...

I'm glad you found me :-) If you don't mind, I'm adding your blog to my blogroll. Today, Caroline saw Reese on your new blog header...she pointed to her and said "pretty"...so true! I told her all about Reese's sweet little life and about how she's playing with Jesus in heaven right now (to which Caroline responded, "fun!!" :-) Just a cute little story I wanted to share. I'm praying for you every day. Thanks, as always, for sharing your heart with "us". Helps me know how to specifically pray for you.

Life with my sweeties said...

A song to listen to if you get a chance....Hope Now by Addison Road.

Melissa

Alison said...

I can't wait to see the pics of Z and VERY happy to hear you are finding moments of comfort. I nominated you for an award. Stop by my blog when you get a chance.

jess said...

Hey Katie! It's funny you mentioned songs and people thinking of you today. We got a little rain here :) which was a praise that then made me think of the song Jesus Bring the Rain and then I thought about you guys! Cant wait to see the new pics!! Hugs to you guys!!
-jess

Mary said...

Just wanted to "check" on you before I head to bed.:) You are on my mind so often during the day. Praying you will feel God's arms supporting you every moment of your day. My heart aches for you.

Mary

ktjane said...

Katie,

While we have never met, I find myself thinking of you and your family often during this time. In fact, when I come in to work in the morning one of the first things I think of is "I should check on Katie." The grace of God that you have been so generous to journal about during this unimaginable time has blessed my heart. It is my prayer for you that God will continue to heal up the broken places with each and every day.

In His Love, Katie M.

Rebecca (Sam's wife) said...

your blog looks so cute now! she did a good job with the red!! was thinking about you and wanted to stop by. :-)

Aaron Melda said...

Wish I had great wisdom to share with you. Wish I was the person waking you up to tell you that this was just a sad dream. Wish I could bring a smile to your face. But more than anything, I wish I could give you your sweet baby girl. Your strength and grace is inspiring and very contagious... i just wish your loss wasn't the reminder for me. Much love from a stranger in Kentucky! jennifer melda

Its So Very Cheri said...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I don't know exactly because I lost both of mine earlier in my pregnancies but it is heart wrenching to loose a child. I have a give-a-way on my blog, it's a book, written by a friend of ours and their daughter had a brain tumor and her book is all about the grace that gets you through times like this.

You should come by and enter the drawing for the book.

Cheri
Its So Very Cheri

dawn said...

i found your blog a few weeks ago and was just amazed at your strength and i am heart broken for your loss.

tonight as i left a comment on another blog, i saw your comment there as well and ended up back on your blog. i just wanted to take a moment to let you know that you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

i stand amazed at what you have gone through and wonder how in the world you have such strength. i know it is from your strong faith in our Savior. i know it can be the only thing that keeps you going each and every day. you are a true testimony to who He is and you are a shining light of what He can do through us if we let Him.

as heart broken as i am for you, i am so encouraged by the person you are. i delight in the fact that you will see your sweet beautiful baby girl again one day! what a comfort.

i just wanted to share a scripture with you that i heard preached this past sunday at my church (the scripture is 2 Corin. 12:9&10. what a powerful scripture and it's context so applies to you in your given situation. i hope it will provide some comfort and encouragement to you. it has for me this week, but what i walk through is not nearly as painful as you right now.

if you have a chance the sermon that was preached on this scripture can be watched online. it was not my pastor who preached, it was preached by andy stanley from northpoint church. you can listen to it here
(www.elevationchurch.org) his words were life changing to me.

please know i will be lifting you and your family up in prayer. i will pray that He will give you an immeasurable amount of peace and of grace during the next several days, weeks and months.

in Him,
dawn

 
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