Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Valley

I have been dreading Fall, and it's still hard for me to believe it is here. Usually I love this season - the pumpkins, beautiful trees, crisp cool air, spice smelling candles, craft fairs, and celebrating my birthday. Celebrating is the last thing on my mind. I'm kind of over birthdays anyway. ; )

Since Reese was born in the summer, a big part of me longs to go back. Closest physically to her. What I would give to touch her sweet skin again. Hold her. Yet at the same time I wish this first year without her would fly by. Such a conflict of emotions in my heart. I've been struggling with feeling farther away from Reese with the changing of the seasons. I know this is far from the truth because I will always always carry her in my heart.

I was sharing my thoughts with a new friend who has also lost a child, and she told me she feels closest to her son when she is close to the LORD. What an amazing thought! Of course this makes sense since our babies are with Jesus. The closer I am with Him, the closer I am to Reese. I love this.

Another dear friend of mine recently emailed,

"The ones who would go with you, or even take your place, are not able completely to walk the same road. What we can do is actively wait for you on the other side of this valley of the shadow of death. We pray and watch and prepare our banners and cheer for you..."

What a beautiful picture of Christ's body. Thank you for handling me so gently. Softly. Praying I will come through this valley. Waiting expectantly with me to see what GOD is going to do. Praising Him for what He is doing. How He will redeem.

Someone reminded me today of Moses when he could no longer hold up his hands as the Israelites were fighting. As long as he held up his hands, they were winning, but as soon as he dropped his hands, the Israelites began to lose the battle. His friends on both sides of him held up his hands when he could no longer do it on his own. Thank you for holding me up.

This is one of my favorite pictures of Reese. I think they all are! To me it shows how little and dainty she is. I am so thankful for the two whole days we were given with her, even though a lifetime wouldn't be enough.

You do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

James 4:14


40 comments:

Sarah said...

Katie,that is a beautiful, beautiful picture.Praying for you! ♥

Clementsville: Population of 4! said...

Such a beautiful picture of Reese. Her little hand holding onto that bunny is just priceless!

I am lifting you up right now to the Lord, He is the only thing that is getting you through this!!

I think about you all the time!

Praying hard for you!!!!!

Katie

JamieW said...

I am also really struggling with time moving forward right now. I actually wrote about it yesterday and I wrote about my feelings about Fall on the first day of Fall. Sometimes I feel so alone but then I read your thoughts or talk to others that have been through this and I am amazed by how frightenly and sadly similar we all feel. That is a beautiful picture of Reese. My heart aches for her along with yours.

Mindy said...

I absolutely love that picture. Such a beautiful, sweet little angel! I am praying for you.

Heather said...

I love that picture of beautiful Reese! I also love that story of the friends holding up Moses' hands. I am proud to hold up your hands in prayer, Katie. I love hearing your heart on this post. It makes complete sense to me how you are feeling about the seasons, etc. I also love what a friend wrote about us waiting for you and praying you through the valley...we are here. Even when things seem darkest, we are here. And more importantly, God is there. I pray tonight you would feel Him with each breath you take.

Linds said...

Look at her precious little hands on that bunny. She's precious Katie. We're praying for you!

busymom said...

I think your friend was right-Jesus can hold you and Reese at the same time.
Just work through one day at a time, and we'll keep praying that you are lifted up. I think the Holy Spirit is definitely moving-you have really gotten some great words of advise and some absolutely precious prayer warriors! They have to be divinely inspired! : )
And your picture is precious! Still praying, Holly

AdoptedbyGrace said...

Katie,
We ARE all still here cheering you on and watching Christ walk along side of you through this journey you chose not to walk. What a beautiful picture of Reese and the body of Christ.

Tonya (ta-ta) said...

Katie, I have checked your blog for a while now, and never left a comment. Please know I have prayed for you so much. I cry everytime you put a sweet picture of your angel on the post. I also have 2 angels in heaven, it is so hard but all I can say is God is your strength. This Proverb has gotten me through many days of sadness "trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understand, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths. love and prayers

Kelly said...

OH Katie - that picture is just precious. I bet you can sit and just stare at it for hours.
I have no idea how you are feeling but I'm praying for you and lifting up your hands for you to God right now.

thoughts of a beggar said...

Your words are truly incredible and so accurate.

Thank you, Katie
-katie

Susy said...

Katie,
I wish I had words of encouragement tonight, but as I read your post I just want you to be holding your sweet baby so badly. I'll pray for peace and understanding for both of us tonight.
God bless.

Ann said...

Katie,

What a heart-wrenchingly beautiful picture of Reese.

Thank you for continuing to write. I see God's grace in you, and in that I greatly rejoice.

Your assignment is Psalm 20, the whole thing. Here is part.

"May He grant you your heart's desire,
And fulfill all your counsel!
We will sing for joy over your victory,
And in the name of our God we will set up our banners."

I'm praying for you as you move into a new season.

love,
Ms.B.

Crystal said...

This picture is perfection! I hesitate to write any words that are unjust-- they are with great intention. I am continually in awe of what is going on here. From where I stand, it is a BEAUTIFUL story of Jesus strength in weakness. Daily thinking of you and your family!

-Crystal

Booksh Bunch said...

Praying for your family:)

Chelsea said...

Katie,
A good friend of mine sent me your blog tonight, and it has already ministered to me in amazing ways. I just lost my precious baby boy one week ago today, and I have soaked in every word of your blog. It's so good to know there are others who are seeking the Lord's face as they walk through a similar valley.

God bless you and your sweet family and know that someone else--just a few months behind you in the journey--has been blessed by your words tonight. I'll be praying for you to be daily lifted and carried by our great God. Reese is absolutely beautiful!!!

Rikki said...

I wish we could talk. Just sit and talk. I can't identify with what you are feeling but your vulnerability makes it seem so real to me. I come to your page everyday...your strength (even though you may not feel it) is amazing to me. Your perserverance is truly God's grace shining through you. I love reading your blog and I know that I would love spending time with you. Know you are constantly in my prayers!

Jennifer Lynette said...

Reese is precious. I continue to pray for new mercies each morning for you and Jason.

hi-d said...

What a beautiful picture! Praying for you.

kwlenexa said...

Your posts usually always say what my heart is feeling, too. I hate that we have to go through this, but it is comforting to have someone else to share the same kinds of feelings with. Thanks for being so real and so vulnerable. I know you are helping many. Love you my sister, Kathi

Sara said...

Katie, I have been praying for you and your family so often over the past months but have not commented yet, so I wanted to do so today. I am friends with Meredith (lived with her while she was in pharmacy school and I was in med school), and my husband and Faber were in the same med school class.

You are on my heart so often and I am always thankful to come here and read your words. God is using you now even through your great pain. Thank you for letting Him! I will continue to pray for you.

Lisa said...

Sweet Katie,
I hope you have a chance to hear Selah's new song, Unredeemed. The words are so beautiful... Praying for you. I have walked a this road, twenty two years ago. God will heal your broken heart, you will never forget your daughter Reese, but He will give you strength and a story for His glory. Nothing laid before the Lord will be unredeemed.

Unredeemed

The cruelest words, the coldest heart
The deepest wounds, the endless dark
The lonely ache, the burning tears
The bitter nights, the wasted years

Life breaks and falls apart
But we know these are

[Chorus]
Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But when anything that’s shattered is laid before the Lord
Just watch and see it will not be
Unredeemed

For every choice that led to shame
And all the love that never came
For every vow that someone broke
And every life that gave up hope

We live in the shadow of the fall
But the cross says these are all …

[Chorus]

Places where grace is soon to be so amazing
They may be unfulfilled, they may be unrestored
But you never know the miracles the Father has in store
Just watch and see it will not be
Just watch and see it will not be

Kelly said...

Sweet, sweet picture of your precious Reese. I'm praying for you as you're in this valley. You will make it through it. Hold onto the Lord's hand and he will take you through it.

Fabiola said...

The picture is really precious.

My heart goes out for you. Your words are so real.

I hope you can feel peace in your heart.

Fabiola

Becky said...

What a sweet picture. A friend gave me a bunny just like Reeses'! It is in my office so that will be another reminder to pray for you. It will always remind me of Reese from now on!

I love Fall but it is also the anniversary of my Dad's death so it is hard for me sometimes too.

Just like the change of seasons in our world, there are seasons of our lives. You are in a season many of us have not had to walk through - the loss of a child. Different crops are harvested each season. For those crops to mature to the point where they are to be harvested, they have had to endure plowing, pruning, watering, sunlight, pest control. The end product has reached maturity. I don't know you in real life Katie, but I wager that your walk with the Lord has been seasoned. You have not allowed the weeds to overtake you. God is harvesting you and you are becoming mature in Him.

You are a blessing!

SouthernGalsBoutique said...

Beautiful picture... her precious little hand... Thanks for coming to visit my site! :-)

Shady Lady! said...

My heart just aches for you.

Summer said...

Katie,
First off we will continue to hold you up even when you think you can't anymore! Reese will always be in your heart! I can't imagine the change of seasons for you and the heartache you must feel! Just know Reese is celebrating the change of seasons with you looking down from Heaven! Maybe ya could even carve her name in a pumpkin to make you feel even closer to you, and sit it by your front door! That is such a beautiful pic of Reese and I love that little bunny! She does look so dainty and girly! Hang in there!
Summer :0)

Summer said...

I meant to say make you feel even closer to her! I can type, really! Ha!

Jennifer said...

Katie,
I am praying that in all the beauty of the fall, you will feel sweet Reese. The picture of your girl is precious! I love it!
Love you!

Sara said...

The picture is precious and I think Reese is just beautiful...she would have definitely taken after her mama!

I read this verse the other day while I was studying and I thought of your little family. The Lord continues to bring you into my thoughts and prayers and your words here are always a ministry to me as well. Your words alone in the past few months have forced me to re-evaluate my relationship with God. And they have made me so much more aware of all the special, little everyday moments that I am able to enjoy with my children. Because of you and Reese, I am able to be in the moment so much more often with them!

I praise God that through your tragedy you are glorifying Him and being such a Light in our dark world!

God Bless,
Sara

The Niemeyer Nest said...

Crying again for you and Reese. I can see how you would want this year to fly by in some ways but you will make it through this time! You have God with you and prayer warriors surrounding you. It must be so HARD and I do not even know what to say except I think of you daily and wish that the peace that passes all understanding be with you.

Greg McDonald said...

Katie--

I do not have a blog myself but came upon yours by "accident". My heart aches for you because I have been where you are. Six years ago after experiencing years of secondary infertility, we were anticipating the birth of our baby boy. In the 7th month the cord became excessively tangled, resulting in his death. He was beautiful and perfect...just appeared to be sleeping. And he was/is--in Jesus' arms instead of mine. But just for now. I will have him again in heaven and life will be perfect! I still have days where my arms ache to hold him, get him ready for his first day of school, see his daddy teach him how to play ball and fish, watch his older sisters interact with him. I see children in our church that are his age and imagine his being like them at this age. Yes, time heals but ultimately the wound will always be there and Jesus is the only one who can give me the fortitude and courage to go on with life. You will see Reese again and what a beautiful time it will be! God be with you!

Charlene McDonald

Tracychele @ The Week-Ender said...

Just Precious! I know it is hard to look at the pics, but aren't you glad you have them?? You should never have any regrets with her. She is so lucky to have had you for two days, too!

Leslie said...

Katie - I wish I was better at expressing my thoughts and feelings about you and your beautiful baby girl. My heart just aches for your family and I'm sure this fall/winter will be especially difficult. Seems like that is always a really tough time when you have lost someone so very dear to you. I will continue to pray for you. I love the picture you posted of Reese. So touching.

Trac~ said...

I love that picture of Reese - such a sweet one. Sending a lot of love and prayers your way. Big Hugs!

Jason and Ashley Conway said...

Just stumbled across your blog and wanted you to know that I will be praying for your family.

Alex and Jill said...

That picture of Reese is so sweet...love it.

Think of you daily...always praying.

((hugs))

Leigh Ann said...

So beautiful, Katie. I love what your friend said, we wait and pray and cheer for you. That is what I am doing.

Leanne said...

I love that picture of the body of Christ, waiting for you on the other side of the valley....but I love that some walk with you, beside you, the ones who're walking this road right now.

My heart definitely aches for you. I ache when I see those pictures of Reese, and of how you must have felt, knowing that she wasn't going to get to be with you guys for very long....

Sometimes I still long to go back and smell Janie's skin. I want to kiss her sweet hands and take more pictures of her teeny feet...

It's all we have, but at least we have it, huh?

You are not alone. You are very, very loved and thought of and prayed for all around the country.

Keep your eyes on the Hills.

 
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