Thursday, October 15, 2009

Truth


Oh, my sweet Reese. How my heart aches for you. You would be a little over two months old now. It's still so hard for me to believe you are in Heaven. Your Dad and I love Zach so much and squeeze him tight more than ever these days, but you are missing from our family. Our little baby girl. It was not GOD's plan for us to have two children on earth as close together in age as we desired. I pray He redeems our pain however He chooses. I know He will.

This burden is so great. Late at night I go into your nursery when I need to feel near you. I sit in your rocker and cry and watch your Life's Moments video. There is a gaping hole inside of me, gushing sorrow, emptiness, yet also comfort knowing you are now whole. Healthy. Full of life. I love looking at all of the pictures we have of you. Seeing them makes my heart ache for what we will never know, then I smile at your perfection.

Some moments I want to scream, "My baby daughter died! Can the rest of my life be easy please?" I see couples with their new baby girls and wonder what happened to us. I would never wish this pain on anyone in the world.

GOD's plan is so much greater than ours, Reese. So beyond my understanding. I trust in His plan or I wouldn't be able to put one foot in front of the other, yet the pain is so great at times I cannot breathe. I love you, and miss you so.

Last weekend Jason and I brought flowers to Reese's Garden. The light pink daisy immediately reminded us of her flower headband. All the different shades of pink flowers are perfect for her. In a few weeks we will be able to put the flowers in a vase on her grave marker.

Satan has been attacking me with a vengeance. I feel battles raging inside me constantly. Every place in my heart and mind that is vulnerable, he is there. A friend who has also lost a child wrote in a letter to me,

"Satan is no gentleman for sure, he doesn't back off when we are hurting or when the unimaginable has happened to us - he came at me with everything he had with lie after lie...he tried to get me to believe that my life was over, that we wouldn't have happiness again, and that we shouldn't have other children. Thankfully, our great GOD pursued me even harder..."

How beautiful. He saves me. At the depth of my hopelessness, GOD shows up. He tells me He is here. In our home. Surrounding our family. How great is GOD's love. Pursue me, LORD. You will have the victory.

Another friend wrote, "With the passing of time our wounds heal but usually not before the scab gets knocked off several times!"

I had to smile when I read this because it describes my feelings so accurately. I feel "knocked" around sometimes, pounded on, more like run over. GOD is hurting with us. He picks up my pieces.

One of my precious roommates at Baylor sent me this powerful verse.

These two things cannot change: God cannot lie when He makes a promise, and He cannot lie when He makes an oath. These things encourage us who came to God for safety. They give us strength to hold on to the hope we have been given. We have  this hope as an anchor for the soul, sure and strong. 
Hebrews 6:18-19 



54 comments:

Becky said...

God cannot lie. Isn't He amazing? Can you imagine traveling the path you are on without Him shepherding you? Psalm 23 says He is with us as we take that walk through the valley of the shadow.

You are learning so much about grief. For that reason, it is becoming your friend. It is helping you grow, reach out, trust Him more.

Seraphim said...

We honored your sweet Reese today in our video tribute at Rory's Garden. I know it in no way eases your hurting heart, but please know she is loved and remembered xxxxx

Kelly said...

I'm so sorry Katie. Thanks for sharing your very raw, very honest feelings - to let us know how you are doing. I'm praying even harder for you today.
That picture of Reese is so precious - she was so beautiful.

Mer said...

Love you sister. Praying for reprieve for you today. I hate that you are under attack, on top of everything else. Keep keepin'. Holding you close in prayer.

SouthernGalsBoutique said...

Isn't it great that we serve such an amazing GOD. I pray that over time your heart begins to heal. I love that picture of Reese, gorgeous.

Hailey said...

always in my prayers.

Summer said...

Praying harder for you today!

Brandi said...

I'm so sorry that you have to endure this pain. I think and pray for you all the time. What a beautiful picture of your sweet baby girl.

Larry and Kara Wright said...

I will be praying for you all day today!!

Mommy P said...

Oh Katie, my heart hurts for you having to endure such pain. It seems so unfair. I still think of you daily and pray for you each and every time I do. When Mary Faith does something new, when the girls are both crying and I want to cry. I hate saying it, but your pain, your story, your loss, has made me appreciate every moment with the girls. Reading your blog amazes me. You have been through so much and still have an amazing Faith and Trust in the Lord. I don't know if I would...I hope that I would, but I just don't know. Praying for you and crying with you.

Lauren Kelly said...

Everything about this is beautiful Katie because you’re so transparent in sharing with us the pain and grief you have to work through each day. Thank you for letting us walk this journey with you and allowing us to love you and pray for you!!

Mace and Brei said...

praying for you

Sara said...

My heart aches for you! Satan is evil. I am so glad you are close to God. I can't help but think what it is like for people that don't know God. Still praying for your comfort!

Jess said...

I've been reading your blog since your loss, but never have commented. I am in awe of your faith, yet cannot even begin to imagine your loss. Through your words, it shines that God lives in you and is carrying you during this time of loss and hurt. Satan can't take that from you.

As I write this, I can hear my baby girl sleeping in her room and I so want that for you. The first night I read your blog, I had to immediately scoop up my tiny newborn and try to give her as many hugs/kisses/love as one could possibly give. Everytime I love on her, I am reminded of your sweet Reese. She is beautiful and so are you...inside and out.

Beth said...

Remembering Reese today.

Happy Birthday, Katie!
May Jesus bring you joy on this day.

Praying for & carrying you, always.

Beth

Brittany said...

You are so strong and when I read your words it brings tears to my eyes. Though I have never met you and this seems so strange, you are never far from my heart and often in my thoughts. I pray daily for your family and I KNOW that GOD WILL redeem your pain!

Deciduous Heather said...

Hi Katie,
I know today will be a rough day for you, so as I start my morning here on the east coast, I wanted you to know I would be thinking of you today. I am by no means any stronger than the average gal, but if I could I would bottle up some strength to send your way....prayers will have to suffice. I will pray that grace will descend on you....and that He will hold you gently and keep His hands over you. Take your time healing, my friend. What a beautiful post about Reese, her perfection, and his truth. (((HUGS)))
~Heather in NC

Janie said...

Oh sweetheart how I wish I could take away your pain. Keep looking to our Saviour for your strength. You amaze me and everyone else with your love. Satan HATES you and me and he WILL continue to knock those scabs off...just let your Jesus continue to heal them. Your raw feelings bring out so many of mine.....just goes to show you that even 3 years later there will still be hurting. But our GOD heals this hurt and tomorrows hurt...HE will never fail me or you. Sweetie, I don't know you but I love you and am sincerely praying for you today. If I was there I would give you a BIG hug!! Have a great day....we're praying for you.
Janie

2 little Boys said...

I am praying that God builds a fortress of protection around you today and that EVERY time you feel attacked His word will come singing into your heart. Ever in my thoughts and prayers.

Daily laying it at the Master's Feet!
Laura Ann

Faith said...

Continuously praying for you!

Whitney said...

I don't know what to say to you except to trust. Trust that God has a plan bigger than you know. Trust that there was a reason far greater than you could ever imagine for Reese's passing. Trust that you have so many people praying for you and lifting your family up to Him in the midst of all your pain and anguish.

Linds said...

I'm so sorry you're hurting. It makes me hurt to read your words. I wish there was something I could physically do to take away just a portion of the pain. But since I know that's not possible, I pray. You are in our thoughts and prayers daily.

Sunny said...

Praise Jesus that God isn't a man who would lie. Oh, how knowing that TRUTH has kept me from depths of despair. I pray the enemy would be bound from your mind today. He knows that he cannot have our souls once we know Christ, so he tries for the next best thing - our mind. I'm glad you are aware of the warfare that is going on around you so that you may combat it with the promises of God's word. I'm lifting you up in prayer today!

AdoptedbyGrace said...

I am praying Isa. 61:1-3 over you today Katie. Those promises brought me through the deepest pain of my life. My tears are for you - much love in Christ alone.

Aura said...

Katie- My wish for you is that not only you continue to find strength in your faith, but that you give yourself credit where it is due, as well. I was not raised with any religion, and when things go wrong, I've always counted on my own strength to get me through the hard times. It must be really amazing to have something like your belief in God pull you through the hard times...sometimes it's hard to get out of those days when we don't have any answers in life. As a non believer, in you I see a flesh and blood woman who has picked herself up from the unimaginable. You see that God is amazing to help you do this, but I see that it's just you -a strong woman who is doing her best to get through every day with an optimistic attitude. I hope the days come easier to you as time passes by.

Lindsay said...

Praying even harder for you today. Thank you for sharing your true emotions. What a beautiful letter and verse from your friends. I know you are hurting and I am so sorry. Your family is in our thoughts!

Clementsville: Population of 4! said...

God is amazing and so good! Continue to demand satan to leave you alone and I will pray that with you! Keep your chin up and know many people still pray for you everyday!

The Ellenberg's said...

Praying for comfort and for God to speak to you every step you take, through things in your home, in a flower as you walk, through friends, signs, whatever just that you would be reminded of His presence at every turn. Praying for Satan's lies to be blocked from even entering your mind. Praying for God's word to be impressed on your heart and in your mind to combat Satan. Thank you for your transparency so we know how to pray for you.

P.S. I graduated from Baylor also, 1994.

stb said...

You are amazing - I am so sorry for your loss.

Kelli said...

Oh Katie, my heart aches for you in the midst of your grief. Knowing that God is so much more powerful than Satan, helps us get through. Get behind us Satan and hold tight to your faith in Him. Praying for you at this moment!!!

Alison said...

Katie-That post breaks my heart. I can only imagine the depths of your pain. Your reward will be so great when you see Reese again.

Marisa said...

Oh, Miss Katie...you and Reese have been on my heart and mind SO often. I hurt for you...from one mama who lost her precious daughter to another--I am so very sorry. You lost your Reese just a few months after we lost our Maggie--I understand that immense heart desire for our daughters (and all the lovely things that go along with that privilege) and I know the hole that is present and profound daily. It is a horrible club to belong to. I think about our girls cradled next to one another in Jesus' arms. Praying for protection of your heart and mind...today especially. Satan knows his way into those dark, awful places...it is his business. Redemption, peace, everlasting life...that's God's business. Sending you a big birthday hug and continued prayers, sweet girl.

Love in Him,
Marisa
www.miskamiller.blogspot.com

Mindy said...

OH Katie, I just hurt for you and I know it doesn't even come close to the amount of hurt and pain you are enduring. I am praying for you. What a beautiful picture of your little angel Reese. She is so beautiful.

Nicole said...

Katie, than k you for sharing your feelings. I think it's easy for someone on the outside to think you are doing ok. I appreciate knowing you need continued prayers! YOu are WAY stronger than you give yourself credit for. Just being able to rise above satans power and recognize it is a huge gift. We don't understand a lot in this life but I live and look forward to the day that we will. Remember you are a daughter of God and this has not happened as a curse, I can't help but believe that one day, in the next life, it will be a gift. Not sure what that means, but I feel it! :)

Laura said...

Thank you for sharing your heart so beautifully, yet again. I love seeing pictures of Reese. I'm still praying for you everyday and am thankful to get to read your blog and keep up with you. You are, and will always be, an inspiration to me. And when I go get Caroline up from her nap in a few minutes, I'm going to hug her a little tighter because of you and your love for your daughter that teaches me and shines so brightly through your blog.

Click Clack Mom said...

I hold you in my thoughts and prayers every day. I don't have the right words to share, just know that God will prevail. He will heal.

You are a woman of such honesty, strength and courage.

Mommy 2 One Angel said...

Thank you for being so transparent. I'm still praying fo you. Keep trusting God. He is always there for His children NO MATTER WHAT. Love and prayers for you and your sweet family.

Leanne said...

Katie, hang in there...

Hang in there.

You will have hard days and easy days. I mostly want you to know that the roller coaster of emotions that you are experiencing from one day to the next is totally normal, even one year or 5 years down the road.

She was so beautiful. I wish I could have held my Janie for longer. I wish I could have had more pictures. It's so good that you have so many pictures of Reese and it's so awesome that you were allowed to be with her for as long as you wanted.

Praise God for His mercies.

Praying for you.

Lauren said...

Crying for you tonight and also for Reese who missed having you as a mommy here on earth. Praying you will sleep well tonight and wake up refreshed.

Annie said...

Katie, keep hanging on... This is a season you have to get through-- you'll never be "over" it, but you WILL get through it! Thinking and praying still for you often!!!

Melissa said...

There are still no words....your writing always amazes me! I think of you often and raise you up in prayer.
Such a sweet picture of Reese.
Hugs,
Melissa

The Cummings Family said...

Thank you for sharing your sweet words to Reese! I'll continue praying for you-strength to get through the attacks of the enemy and grace to accept God's helping hand!

Kate's Mommy said...

my heart aches for your beautiful family and the loss of beautiful Reese. She, honestly, is one of the most beautiful, perfect babies I have ever seen. praying for your family.

jdpw said...

Katie,
My heart breaks for you but I know our God will see you this unbearable grief.
We can not begin to understand why these things happen but I do know that your faith has been a very powerful witness to so many people.
I continue to lift you up in prayer!

Crystal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Crystal said...

Isn't it amazing... When we think we are empty and have no where to turn, God is always there, waiting patiently for us to acknowledge Him and ask for Him to step in.

Psalm 116: 1-6 (The Message)
I love God because he listened to me, listened as I begged for mercy.
He listened so intently
as I laid out my case before him.
Death stared me in the face,
hell was hard on my heels.
Up against it, I didn't know which way to turn;
then I called out to God for help:
"Please, God!" I cried out.
"Save my life!"
God is gracious—it is he who makes things right,
our most compassionate God.
God takes the side of the helpless;
when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.

Tracychele @ The Week-Ender said...

The flower is exactly the same! That cannot be just a coincidence! We are all still praying so hard. I hope you feel it when you are alone and quiet. Take care of you.

Sara said...

What a beautiful, touching, sad post. You write so beautifully about your sweet Reese.
I think of you often and pray for you daily. Unfortunately I know the pain that you feel. Losing a child hurts in a way that is indescribable.

Our Curly Girls said...

Thank you, Katie, for sharing your precious baby with all of us...and for sharing your love for our God. I wish I could hug you, but please know I really am squeezing you through prayer. xoxo

Tristan said...

My heart aches for you. I'm praying for you.

Angie said...

Oh Katie I know that gaping hole all to well. It is an extreme pain, emotionally and physically. But you are right...I am so comforted by the fact that our baby girls are healthy in heaven with Jesus and we get to see them soon. It is not how we would have had it and yet again you are right - God's plan is so much greater than ours. He knows our days, thoughts, moments before we do. He is aching with us.

I am lifting you up in prayer tonight. I love your photo's of Reese, thank you so very much for sharing.

In Him, Angie

ps...thanks for the sweet comment - we are crying together. Missing and loving our sweet baby girls.

Jess said...

I don't usually comment, but I have been following your blog, and am so very blessed by it. Your faith in the middle of your deep heartache is so encouraging, and beautiful to see. I pray God will continue to hold you, as he is holding Reese. I can tell you are a wonderful person, and I don't even know you, but I know God loves you so much and He is faithful in all His promises. He will comfort you, carry you, bless you, and turn your mourning into blessing.

KLM said...

Katie,
I have been reading your blog for a while. I guess I stumbled upon it and stayed because you are from my state (we are in Conway). I read all your posts during my pregnancy, prayed for you during your illness and cried when you lost your baby girl. Never did I imagine that I would lose my baby daughter one week before she was born (due to wrapped cord). Tomorrow is her funeral....
I have come to your blog for comfort...I have read your entries, looked up your verses, and remarked to my husband that God will carry me as he has for you.
Thank you for sharing your life with us. If you are ever in Conway, I would love to meet you and have you over to give you a hug. Your words have spoke life into our weary souls....

Franchesca Cox said...

Your daughter is so beautiful, and I am so so sorry for your loss. It is devastating.

xx

 
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