Right now I seem to be still and feel as if this is just how I need to be. My emotions, my thoughts are so full it's difficult to express (thank you, Lord, You know). But I feel my spirit is still. I am numb to most feelings because the pain crowds out everything else. My heart is bleeding.
I switch from being mad that we do not have our Reese to waiting expectantly and full of hope for GOD's redemption. I am not angry at GOD because He has filled our lives to the brim with blessings. Jason and I have each other. Zach. Family. Friends. Strangers who are reaching out. A loving and holy GOD. He is not abandoning us.
I don't know how it feels to be lighthearted anymore. Jason and I will carry this burden forever. I praise my GOD who is carrying it with us and so are our family and friends. From now on our happiness and joy will be tainted with the loss of Reese (yet Heaven's gain!). It is a difficult reality to face.
A woman at the gym today asked me if I had had my baby. I told her yes but she did not make it. I dread these conversations and feel sorry for the people who ask me! Who expects an answer like the one I give them? Bless their hearts.
Life is going on. Has been going on. Others are hurting, too. Jason and I go through all the motions of life, but I am longing for Heaven. For Jesus. For my precious Reese.