Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Loss

Right now I seem to be still and feel as if this is just how I need to be. My emotions, my thoughts are so full it's difficult to express (thank you, Lord, You know). But I feel my spirit is still. I am numb to most feelings because the pain crowds out everything else. My heart is bleeding.

I switch from being mad that we do not have our Reese to waiting expectantly and full of hope for GOD's redemption. I am not angry at GOD because He has filled our lives to the brim with blessings. Jason and I have each other. Zach. Family. Friends. Strangers who are reaching out. A loving and holy GOD. He is not abandoning us.

I don't know how it feels to be lighthearted anymore. Jason and I will carry this burden forever. I praise my GOD who is carrying it with us and so are our family and friends. From now on our happiness and joy will be tainted with the loss of Reese (yet Heaven's gain!). It is a difficult reality to face.

A woman at the gym today asked me if I had had my baby. I told her yes but she did not make it. I dread these conversations and feel sorry for the people who ask me! Who expects an answer like the one I give them? Bless their hearts.

Life is going on. Has been going on. Others are hurting, too. Jason and I go through all the motions of life, but I am longing for Heaven. For Jesus. For my precious Reese.

More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ...

Philippians 3:8


51 comments:

Kickin' Kari said...

(((((Hugs)))))) Still saying my prayers for you and your family.

Gretta said...

I still lift you & your family up in prayers everyday! May you feel the love & prayers of all of us surrounding you everyday.

Lauren Kelly said...

Katie, it’s moments like these that I wish I could reach my hands through the computer screen and give you the hug I so want to give you right now. I’m still kicking myself on that, one, sheesh, and I missed my very own opportunity. You may not know me personally Katie, but I’ve gotten to know you and your precious family through the blog world and it’s been an honor to lift you up and encourage you during this time. Just please remember and keep in the forefront of your mind that it will get easier. It won’t ever be completely gone, but yes, it will get easier. I cannot say I know from experience what you’re going through but I have experienced loss in other forms, and so I can say without a doubt that God has your sweet family wrapped in his arms, and sweet Reese, she’s holding ya’ll right along with him. Love you!

Kelli said...

Oh, Katie! I don't have the words to bring comfort to your weary soul, but please know that in prayer I am lifting your burden to Him who heals all wounds.

Pipsylou said...

I love your heart. Your honesty is so brave, and I am so grateful to you for showing us your wounds. I know, too, that my own pain will be redeemed. It's just so hard to wait, isn't it?

Praying for you, sweet sister in Christ!

Rachel

Lauren said...

Praying right now that you will have lighthearted days ahead of you this side of Heaven.

Mommy 2 One Angel said...

I'm having one of those days too...I certainly hope it helps to know that so many people are lifting you up in prayer. The pain of loss never goes away, but God always gives us grace to face each new day. Praying for you and longing for heaven along with you. God bless!

Karen said...

You are so honest with your feelings. My heart continues to hurt for you. I continue to remember you and pray for you daily.

Melissa said...

hang in their girl. we are all still here with you....praying, crying, loving your family.

Brandi said...

I think of you allllll the time. I even have my bestie reading your blog; because your strength is amazing to me. I love the fact that you still have your faith!!! The message in church this past Sunday was The Perfect Storm, Acts 27:1-28:10....the application: God has placed you in life's storm to lead people to Him. I am so sorry that you are suffering!!!

Tracy and Adam Larson said...

I have said many prayers for you and wept many tears. Your faith and strength are an inspiration to so many. May God give you the comfort to know He is rocking Baby Reese in His arms, holding her tight until you and Jason see her again.

Tracychele @ The Week-Ender said...

What a sweet and caring soul you are to be concerned about the feelings of others who ask about Reese! I cannot imagine the pain you feel, but I have been on the other side of that and the extreme sadness I felt not only for the person dealing, but also because I brought it up when they may have been trying to have a good day. Bless you for caring so much about others. That is why so many people you do not even know care for you and your family!

Summer said...

Katie,
Your strength still amazes me! I can't imagine how tough it must be for you right now! Especially the questions people ask who don't know what has happened! I pray that your pain eases and your heart heals! What a caring person you are to think of others and there feelings in your time of grief! Keep your chin up! I pray only good things lie ahead in your future!
Summer :0)

Summer said...

Katie,
Your strength still amazes me! I can't imagine how tough it must be for you right now! Especially the questions people ask who don't know what has happened! I pray that your pain eases and your heart heals! What a caring person you are to think of others and there feelings in your time of grief! Keep your chin up! I pray only good things lie ahead in your future!
Summer :0)

JamieW said...

I am thinking of you today. Our children actually died around the same time and lately I have been having similar feelings that I could just describe as emptiness as the world flies on past me. You have put it so well though. Take care of yourself.

Tristan said...

When I had a m/c in Jan., I felt those same feelings..the feeling of emptiness and nothing. I know it must be way harder holding your precious baby girl..but I am so happy that you had the time with her that you did.
Even though I am expecting again...I also feel that someone is missing from our family, and I don't think that feeling will ever go away.

You are right..in times like this..you just have to count the blessings that you do have :)
Sending you tons of hugs and prayers..

Becky said...

Sometimes it is difficult to look at people walking by who are experiencing just another normal day when you are smothering in grief. I just really do not know what to say other than I am still praying. His plans are still His plans and they are still the best plans.

Shady Lady! said...

Oh Katie I wish I could take some of your pain away for you! Hang in there.

Valerie said...

My heart aches for you. Still praying here in Iowa!

Adrienne Orrock said...

Katie, I came across your blog while searching online about infant loss. I just lost my first child, a little girl. She was 1 week old when she died on Sept 12th. The hurt is unlike anything I have ever known. I can relate to the feelings you conveyed in this post. What I want to say is that I truly believe that through the atonement of Christ your heart (and my heart) will be healed in time. There's a quote that has brought much peace to my soul, "Thus the Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distress that so frequently beset us. At any level of severity." As we turn to Him He truly can take our burden. I wish you well on your journey. Thanks for sharing your tender feelings, it's helpful for me to see how others in similar situations are dealing. You're welcome to check out our story if you'd like.

Adrienne

Oh and this scripture helps me too. Isaiah 49:13-16, as mothers we gain a greater appreciation for this analogy

Mindy said...

My eyes fill with tears for you and my heart hurts for you. I am just so very sorry. I am praying for you.

Janie said...

Oh sweetie, I had a difficult day myself. We had some wonderful news come our way and it just reminded me of how God is continueing to bless us. Even though we have faced a loss so deep, God is continueing to bless our lives in ALL areas. It amazes me how when something good happens I am always taken back to our difficult times of Lila Rae's life and how God is caring us EVERYDAY. I only wish my baby was here to celebrate our news...but like you said heaven's gain my loss. But ONE DAY...I'm going to sit at the right hand of my Lord Jesus and hold my baby girl. I don't know if I've made much sense but I know God speaks through our words and I only hope mine have impacted you in some way. Hugs tonight sweetheart and prayers always.
God is Good..ALL the time,
Janie

Little Mama said...

Still praying for you, sweet Katie!

Kelly said...

I think of you so often. You know, I bet that the Lord places those people in your life to ask you about Reece so that they can see His love, faith and understanding through you.

You are indeed blessed. That little Zach looks just like your hubby.

Love Zach's duck costume. Just wondered if the ducks at Reese's Garden gave him the idea.

Love and prayers from Georgia!

Crystal said...

Praying over you right now!

Sunny said...

Katie, I just have no words that might soothe your hurting heart. I feel your pain from your writing and am so glad that you are expressing it, that you are getting yourself out to the gym, and attending family functions. You are strong! I'm glad you are leaning on the Heavenly Father. (hugs)

Mandy said...

I just love you so, so much. I am on my knees, palms, up praying for you daily. I am here.

Rikki said...

My heart is sad for you. My family has a little surprise for you...more to come about that later....=)

Jennifer said...

This is a verse a friend recently shared with me. It is a verse I have always known but never read in The Message version:
"Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." Romans 8:26-28 (MSG)
I don't begin to understand the pain you and your family have and are enduring but my prayers are with you.
God Bless!

Lindsay said...

Your words are so powerful! I know I always say that, but I always mean it ...so it's okay, right?! :)
I pray and think of you and your family each day.
((((hugs))))

Melody said...

praying for you, time will help to heal things but the loss will always be real. I lost my first son on October 29, 2006 and as the date approaches each year the emotions become so raw again. I also hated how hard it was to tell other's about your loss, sometimes I felt worse after telling them because they feel so bad themselves. Makes things so much harder. You have been so strong and I am so glad you have such a support system. Will continue to pray as the holiday's approach.

Praying in Memphis,
Melody

www.gettingreadyforbabyburchett.blogspot.com

Karen said...

Still saying my prayers for you and your family.

Karen

Caryn said...

Katie ~ don't lose hope!

"God never hurts us needlessly,
And He never wastes our pain;
For every loss He sends to us
Is followed by rich gain."

You will be amazed at the blessings to come in your life. And as painful (and joyful) as it may be... you are going to be an aunt to a beautiful baby boy! Enjoy all of life's blessings!

Life with my sweeties said...

The tears fall so easily thinking of you and your sweet baby!! I read a couple of days ago about the girl holding Reese and it made me smile! And I wanted to tell you that my momma is up there too!! I hope she has had the pleasure of holding her. She would be a great babysitter!!!:) I am sure she misses holding my girls. She LOVED my sweet girls so much and we miss her terribly!! She died 2 years ago on Oct 6 very unexpectedly and her birthday was yesterday. Needless to say I have had a heavy heart lately. Thinking of you often.

Hugs,
Melissa

Jen said...

Keeping you close in thought and prayer. My heart hurts for you. I so remember all of the feelings. That never goes away. You grieve with everyone elses loss as it brings back the memories of your own. It has been 9 years since the birth and death of our angel babies, Emily and Erika, and every once in a while I run into someone I haven't seen since I was pregnant and they will ask about the twins. It still hurts, but it makes me smile to know that they are still remembered...that someone cared enough to ask about them. The answer you have to give is painful and I can't imagine being on the receiving end. I find comfort now knowing they are in Heaven and loving on your sweet Reese right now. Our loss is Heaven's reward and we will meet again! Sending prayers and hugs your way~

hi-d said...

Katie, thank you for sharing your heart and emotions. I read Lauren Kelly's comments and totally agree with what she's saying. I too have experienced that "numb" feeling or "non-feeling" in my life. Although, I have never been through what you have experienced, just know that you will get through this. Just be...

Leslie said...

You are on my heart right now - and I am usually not up and on the computer at this hour. Just praying for your sweet family. I can only imagine. You are so strong and amazing Katie - truly! Not many people in this world are. Doesn't make it any easier, but just know how many people you are helping out there.

The Blue Sparrow said...

In the first weeks after loosing Bryston I was furious at God. I felt cheated and still do but I know now how misplaced my anger was. And alot of that revelation was found through reading your blog. You inspired me to cling to my faith rather than pushing it away, so thank you Katie and know that your lost angel and the grace youve shown through your greif has helped me so much. Bless you and your angel Reece. *Hugs*

KK said...

Praying for your broken hearts. Such a hard thing, nothing can make it better but the Lord.

3LittleByrds said...

Katie, I wish I could give you a hug. I pray for you daily. Your such a strong person. You amaze me.

*Michelle* said...

Just the title of your entry brought to me a quote from a well know man in the area who his father passed recently. He would tell people when they would tell him "sorry for the LOSS of your father" that he "didn't lose his father, he knows exactly where he is." I loved that,and how proud it must had made him to be able to say that. I know that my words wont heal your broken heart but I just thought I would share them today. Your Reese was a beautiful girl and we can all tell how proud you are of her as well. Praying for you always.

Susie from Bienvenue said...

Awwww. Katie. If I could just hug you up I would. You know I have been reading your blog for sometime now. I met you through Shannon way back when..smile~ I read your post and feel as though you are trying so hard to not be angry at life and God right now. I sit and I am in awe of how you are handling everything. I know that the Grace of the Lord is getting you through most days. Sweet Katie...it's ok to get angry and feel sad ..even mad. God knows your heart. He knows your hurt. After I suffered a very hard loss I went through your same emotions. I felt I needed to be strong for others always. One day I just got mad and had a rough chat with God...I felt better that day. My hurt is still there but I just let what Im feeling that day happen. I still get angry but I know and the Lord knows it's ok...On those days He just loves on me right back~

Brittany said...

Katie,
Your words are filled with such beauty, even though they are also filled with such pain. Your love for Our Father is so beautiful and inspirational! I am praying that He takes away your pain and leaves only the beauty!

austie86 said...

My mother lost her first child, and recently her first grandchild. We were talking a few weeks ago and she told me that she holds on to this verse to help her get through the loss of her daughter and grandson.

Matthew 6:19 “Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

I really like the part that says "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." How true. :)

Jenna said...

Sweet Katie, I am praying for you and you sweet family so much. Thank you for showing us your heart and especially for sharing that sweet baby girl with us. You are greatly loved!

Trac~ said...

Sending a lot of love and prayers to you and your family Katie! (((BIG HUGS))))

Carla said...

Dear Katie,

I am praying for you in Columbia, MD.

With love in Christ,
Carla

Melanie said...

Katie,

When I am completely down and out and think I can't go on another day, I remember that I am a child of God. Like a child, I grab my big fuzzy blanket and I head for my overstuffed chair and pretend that God is holding me. Yep, that's right--even though I am in my 40's and it may sound crazy to most, it works for me. I know that in His own way God is holding me through my trials and tribulations. I also remember the comfort I received as a child when my heart ached and I would be held by one of my parents. Somewhere along the line I decided to find a place where I felt "held" and could pour my heart out to God. It may sound foolish and too simplistic, but aren't we supposed to have the faith of a child? ;-) Maybe I'm too literal...

I'm still praying and thinking of you. Hugs from Nebraska!

Genie Marie said...

Katie, I can't imagine what you are feeling but my dearest cousin lost her daughter after only 19 hours here on this earth. I remember sitting with her in the hospital, praying with her, and grieving for her. I never knew what to say..the right words...but I would just pray and give words of hope. That's what I am doing for you...I can't relate...but I know the one who can...I can't take away your hurt....but I know the one who can bring comfort and grace...I can't imagine how you feel...but I know the one who knows every thought, emotion, and feeling that you have...so tonight I am praying that He will show up in your life in a big way...becaue I know HE can! Storming heaven on your family's behalf!

Heather said...

I am praying for you, Katie. I think what you are feeling is exactly where God has you. Try not to feel like you should be feeling or doing anything than what you are. He is holding and carrying you.

Kimberly said...

Katie,
Saw this and thought of you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9JTwJ_1lzE

(Steven C C Heaven Is The Face)
Think of you and your sweet baby girl often. Praying for you from Winnipeg, Canada...
Kimberly

 
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