Several times throughout the day I feel like posting this as my facebook status...
"I'm tired of crying. Tired of hurting. Aching. Anyone want to trade lives with me?"
I don't always feel this way, and I honestly don't want to trade lives with anyone. This is just a thought that goes through my mind sometimes when the pain overwhelms me. I continue to be amazed at your words that the LORD prompts you to say to me. I cannot tell you how much they have impacted me.
Thank you thank you for being sensitive to Him speaking to your heart. Thank you for praying for us. I am humbled as some of you have written that you pray for us daily as GOD brings us to your mind. Wow. I have never felt so carried in my entire life. It's how I get up in the morning, get ready for each day, play with Zach, and just function. My family and I are blessed beyond measure!
A few years ago when we were trying to get pregnant with Zach, one night I cried out to the LORD because I was so discouraged. Jason and I wanted a baby so badly. I will never forget listing off to GOD everything I thought I was. I was that woman friends would feel sorry for. I was infertile. We would be that couple who could not have children....etc. I will never forget GOD's peace settling over me, hushing me, and hearing Him say, "I AM."
After Reese's death, my mom shared how the LORD had put Psalm 46:10 on her heart. "Be still, and know that I AM GOD."
When Jason and I walked into the chapel before Reese's memorial service began, I noticed on a stained glass window the words, "I AM." My Dad later pointed out to me that "I AM" was written on many if not all of the windows in the chapel.
I AM. This name of GOD is so final. So peaceful. It answers every question. Every doubt. Everything in me finds security in I AM. He is my Father. How comforting. His heart is breaking with mine. He is counting every tear. He knows the emptiness I feel. The depth of my despair. He also knows how it feels to lose a child.
GOD has been so faithful in my darkest hours to remind me that He is I AM.
Some friends gave us a Glenn Packiam cd, and the song "My Hope" has been ministering to my heart. I listened to it for the first time last night, and it is still running through my mind. It's such a simple and sweet song. Some of the lyrics are
"I will be still and know You are my Father. My eyes will be fixed on You alone.
I put my hope in You. There is nothing else to do. Through every valley I know You're by my side, and my life is in Your hands.
Your love will never fail. Your mercies are new each day.
Through every circumstance my hope will stand for my life is in Your hands."