Saturday, August 29, 2009

I AM

Several times throughout the day I feel like posting this as my facebook status...

"I'm tired of crying. Tired of hurting. Aching. Anyone want to trade lives with me?" 

I don't always feel this way, and I honestly don't want to trade lives with anyone. This is just a thought that goes through my mind sometimes when the pain overwhelms me. I continue to be amazed at your words that the LORD prompts you to say to me. I cannot tell you how much they have impacted me.

 Thank you thank you for being sensitive to Him speaking to your heart. Thank you for praying for us. I am humbled as some of you have written that you pray for us daily as GOD brings us to your mind. Wow. I have never felt so carried in my entire life. It's how I get up in the morning, get ready for each day, play with Zach, and just function. My family and I are blessed beyond measure!

A few years ago when we were trying to get pregnant with Zach, one night I cried out to the LORD because I was so discouraged. Jason and I wanted a baby so badly. I will never forget listing off to GOD everything I thought I was. I was that woman friends would feel sorry for. I was infertile. We would be that couple who could not have children....etc. I will never forget GOD's peace settling over me, hushing me, and hearing Him say, "I AM." 

After Reese's death, my mom shared how the LORD had put Psalm 46:10 on her heart. "Be still, and know that I AM GOD."

When Jason and I walked into the chapel before Reese's memorial service began, I noticed on a stained glass window the words, "I AM." My Dad later pointed out to me that "I AM" was written on many if not all of the windows in the chapel. 

I AM. This name of GOD is so final. So peaceful. It answers every question. Every doubt. Everything in me finds security in I AM. He is my Father. How comforting. His heart is breaking with mine. He is counting every tear. He knows the emptiness I feel. The depth of my despair. He also knows how it feels to lose a child. 

GOD has been so faithful in my darkest hours to remind me that He is I AM.

Some friends gave us a Glenn Packiam cd, and the song "My Hope" has been ministering to my heart. I listened to it for the first time last night, and it is still running through my mind. It's such a simple and sweet song. Some of the lyrics are 

"I will be still and know You are my Father. My eyes will be fixed on You alone. 

I put my hope in You. There is nothing else to do. Through every valley I know You're by my side, and my life is in Your hands. 

Your love will never fail. Your mercies are new each day.

Through every circumstance my hope will stand for my life is in Your hands."


39 comments:

Ann said...

Oh, Katie,

I'm so sorry. What a deep valley for you to walk. Surely your sorrows won't be wasted.

"Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me.
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!"
Psalm 57:1-3

May you cry out to God and be keenly aware that he sends out his steadfast love to you.

I'm praying for you.

Miss B.

cami w said...

Katie --- it's so weird to open up your blog and know we have never met, in fact, we've only been "friends" for a short time...however you have impacted my life in a way you'll never know. I had been away with my family and when I got home I couldn't wait to get in bed w/ my laptop & open up the few blogs I follow, Kelly's Keepter, Bless our Nest, and yours, I knew Reese would be coming soon. I was devestated to read she had come early and even more the day she past. My heart when out to your entire family, for in the short time I'd been following your blog it was obvious how precious and loved she would be. I am a very blessed mother of three and can't imagine the pain you are going through. I have read your blog every day and am constantly amazed at your strength and the openness with which you have shared your experience. I want you to know that your strength has helped me so so so much lately. I find myself amazed and inspired by your ability to remain in His word and be led by God throughout this. I wanted to say thank you. I want you to know that while your latest blog reads of your appreciation for everyone praying for you, I want to thank you for your prayers. Watching you turn with such an honesty to God and trusting in Him in the midst of your pain is a lesson I hope I never forget. Please know Katie that while we don't know each other and may never meet you are a friend who has shown me grace, faith, and a lesson in love - thank you.
Cameron

Laura said...

I have been reading your blog for a couple of weeks, and my Heart ACHES for you and your family. I have had loss with 2 pregancies. I too was tired of the aching and crying after losing the babies.
(I was 15 weeks gestation) I tried to ignore the sorrow and go on because I was so tired of the aching and crying. I ended up acting mean. It was because I tried to skip the mourning process. There was no skipping, I had to go through the mourning process again. Crying is cleansing, although it can get a little old. I just felt that I needed to share this with you. Know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at such a difficult time.

angela said...

Not sure if you have heard of this family's story, but they just lost their 4 month old baby this week. http://thejonesfamily52009.blogspot.com/ Maybe you all could walk together in this journey. I think it helps so much to know that others have been there or are going through the same thing. No parent should ever have to experience such loss. Still think of you often and continue praying for you.

Teale said...

I have been praying for you and your family. We lost our daughter under somewhat similar circumstances (it seems), she developed some sort of infection in the womb and consequently would never be able to breathe on her own. They never figured out what caused it. The unanswered questions were so difficult for me. Before I even finished reading this post I was already thinking about sharing the verse with you "Be still and know that I am God". So often I found myself reminding myself of that- to be still, when the world was going on so fast without me, in a sense I felt so often I was being left behind. The world was ready to move on after the loss of my child and I refused. I still refuse, I will never "move on". Thankfully with the Lord's guidance I have learned to "move forward". Even now I still often need to remind myself to "be still and know that He is God".
I am so very sorry for the pain you are enduring. I know we have never met, but I am thinking and praying for you. I pray you will find the peace to get you through the next seconds, minutes, hour, and days.

hi-d said...

You have such a "genuine heart!" It pours out through your writing! Thank you for sharing. It's so healthy for you to express your emotions and feelings.

You don't know how many people you have touched and how many you WILL touch! I love the "I AM" story...and it's so awesome when you see signs of confirmation over a word that the Lord has spoken to you, it's so comforting and amazing!

Psalm 56:8 (New Living Translation)
You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.

I love the different translations as well....this one is from "The Message" Bible:

Psalm 56:8 (The Message)
You've kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.

God Bless You!
Heidi

Melanie said...

Katie,

I have been reading your blog for a few months now. I stumbled on it when a friend told me to check out a decorating tip on Shannon's site. Through the months I would check in to read about Zach's latest antics or to see how your pregnancy was progressing. Isn't it amazing how we are able to feel we've made a "friend" we've never met? :-)

As August drew near, I would check more frequently because I was so excited for your family to welcome its newest member. My heart aches for you as this is certainly not the outcome any of us expected.

Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers every single day. Thank you for sharing your faith and your struggles with all of us--it helps us know how to pray for you on that particular day. It also serves as a huge source of inspiration to me. You are amazing.

Every time I hear Natalie Grant's "Held" I think of you. I also heard Garth Brooks' "The Dance" on the radio the other day and had to say a quick little prayer for your family.

Thanks for your continued testimony.

Kelli said...

This song brings comfort to my soul! The lyrics to "In Christ Alone"

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

In Christ alone! who took on flesh
Fulness of God in helpless babe!
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones he came to save:
Till on that cross as Jesus died,
The wrath of God was satisfied -
For every sin on Him was laid;
Here in the death of Christ I live.

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain:
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave he rose again!
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me,
For I am His and He is mine -
Bought with the precious blood of Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Heather said...

Katie, we don't know each other and the chances of us meeting this side of heaven are slim, but I pray for you. Ever since kelly posted on her blog about your sweet baby girl going to be with Jesus, you have been on my heart. For me, this is the beauty of the body of Christ. Others reaching out to others they don't know, and lifting them up to our heavenly father, even when we don't know what to pray, He knows the needs of others. My heart aches for you and how I wish your daughter was there with you as I am most sure you do too. Your strength and courage during your darkest days are a light to this world for Jesus. You inspire me and I am amazed at your strength. Tonight katie, you and your family are being lifted up to our Healer, our comforter, our rock in which we stand upon when we don't have the strength, the I AM. May He continue to comfort you in the days aheads and thank you for sharing with us your heart.

Whitney said...

What a great reminder that when we think of everything we have to deal with in this world all we REALLY need to know is that HE IS. Such a comforting feeling.
This verse always helps me to remember that no matter what is going on that He has already taken care of things:
"I have said all these things to you so that in me you may have peace. In the world you have trouble: but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

AdoptedbyGrace said...

Hi Katie,
Thank you for allowing us to stand in the gap for you and your family. I check on you so that I can know how to pray for you. I want you to know that it may seem like everyone just goes on with their lives while you are left with such great grief; please know that yes life does goes on, but you have not been forgotten. I pray for you everyday. It doesn't seem fair that through your grief and Reese's short life others find strength. Thank you for sharing Reese with us and for allowing us to be a part of your journey to God in the midst of your pain.

Becky said...

Katie -

Being still does not come easily to me. I love that verse in the Bible but have always focused on the 'Be still' rather than the 'I am'. Isn't it amazing that God meets us each where we are and where we most need Him?

Today we celebrated my granddaughter's 6th birthday. As I left their home I stopped for a moment at the memorial area (It is a landscaped area with a tree they planted) they made for the baby that they lost almost 4 years ago. I never met that little soul. Don't know if it was a boy or a girl. I do know that they are missing and that sometimes such a poignant feeling washes over me. One thing I am certain of though -that child is in Heaven. That child has been spared from choosing. God chose. I will never have to wonder where they are spending eternity and for that I am so thankful. The same is true of your Reese. She is healed and perfect. One day you will be there with her. All because 'He is'.

Mary Ann Miller said...

Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you here in Ohio. I may not know you but I care and I know God does care. Continue to take one day at a time. You are a blessing to your fellow "blog sisters".

lifewithmysweeties said...

Katie,

I am so very sorry. It has been awhile since the last time I read your blog and when I discovered this last night I really didn't know what to think. My heart aches for you and your family. I do believe that God will pour out peace for you.

It is a heavy load to carry. When I lost my mom almost two years ago (very unexpectedly) I had a long conversation with a lady at my daughters school, she is the chaplain/counselor, very knowledgeable and sweet as she can be, likened my hurting and heaviness to carrying a backpack that is so heavy is just weighs you down and she told me eventually it will be a little easier to carry but it will always be there. She is so right. But some days it is harder than others and it seems that the world around you has stopped. Your testimony is an inspiration!!!

Prayers and hugs for you and your family.
Melissa

Suzanne said...

Thinking of you and your family today!
Love and Prayers,
Suzanne

P.S.-What a cute pic of Zach...such a big little man!

Sara Blackburn White said...

Your loss aches my heart! You are so strong and I am so sad for your loss. You are so amazing and God might not heal your wound but he will lead you and your family to happiness again! We pray for you everyday!

In Christ,
Sara

Linds said...

I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your heart in such an open way. May you continue to feel the "peace that surpasses all understanding" during this time. We are praying for you daily!

Mindy said...

Praying for you.

Mary said...

Katie,
I recently started reading Kelly's blog from a link from a friend of mine and read her prayer request for your family. I am so sorry for your loss. As the mother of a 2 year old I cannot even begin to imagine your pain. I know the ache of losing close family members but the loss of a child I don't. My thoughts and prayers are with you daily. I pray He will carry you when you cannot go on your own. I know the angels are cradling baby Reese for you and I'm sure they have pretty ribbons tucked in her hair just like her Mommy did for her.
~Hugs!~
Mary

Alison said...

Katie,
You ARE the strongest person I have ever met. You might not feel strong, but your faith exemplifies it every day. I have been most impressed by the words you spoke at Reese's funeral. They moved me and I think of you daily.
Your reward will be GREAT.
Keep your faith and hang in there.
Alison

The Costellos said...

Praying for you, Katie. Please know that so many of us carry your burden with you. I think God allows some people to be deeply moved and affected by another's grief so that we may carry part of the burden; to share their yoke so that they do not bear it alone. I have never met you but please know your sweet girl is heavy on my heart throughout the day and I pray for you as often as I think of her. Love from TN, mandy

Abbie said...

Katie, I know you have tons of people sharing stories with you, but know that many of us have gone through these same emotions. I lost my oldest chilad, 45 hours after birth (full term) to Trisomy 18. A year later I had my son. 3 years later, I lost my fraternal twin boys, who were born at 28 weeks. We lost one at 5 days and 1 at 6 days. I will never understand why I lost 3 babies, all born alive and all taken off of life support. What I do know is "I will bless the Lord at ALL times and His praise shall continually be in mouth." It is this verse that has helpef carry me through our tragedies. If you are interested in reading our story, our boys memorial website link is listed on my blog. God Bless!

Kelly said...

Continuing to pray for you. Your faith in the Lord as the great I Am is all you need.

hkent said...

I came to your blog when a prayer request for your situation was posted on Kelly's Korner. Although I never have met you in person I feel as if I have due to your sincere openness. I pray for you and your family each day. Your pain and sorrow is heavy on my heart. I am still so amazed each day when I check in on your blog how I am inspired by your strength and faith. I will continue to pray for you.

Kintigh Family said...

Dear Katie,

You've never met me but I feel like there is a bond because of the Lord and being moms.
The Lord brings you to my heart so much during the day, as I am dealing with my children. The good times and the bad! Your sharing what you are going through has led me to pray but also love my family deeper.
My heart breaks for you and I pray that God brings you peace that passes human understanding. I pray he will fill your heart and your arms once again.
As I read my Bible this morning, God directed me towards Psalm 91. It is the Psalm that has taken me through many valleys of my own. At the end God has a message(Vs 14-16):
"Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him; I will protect him, because he knows my name. When he calls to me, I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble;I will rescue him and honor him.With long life I will satisfy him and show him my salvation."
The Lord put it in my heart that this is a message you might need today. I hope it encourages and comforts you.
With Love in our Christ Jesus.
Anna Kintigh
www.kintighfam.blogspot.com

The Aspenberg Family said...

Hey Katie! I know I've commented before you are in our families prayers each and everyday!!!! But When i read your post this morning about the Lord just declaring to you that he infact is "I am" I was brought to tears and the Lord put this song by Mark Schultz "I am" this is a video of on you tube but here it is please watch....it's a beautiful song! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hILaSh78yHQ&feature=PlayList&p=0F612CB7F46EAA33&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=1

Sending Lots of Prayers and Blessings!
Stacey!

Chris, Kelli, Addison & Haylee said...

Katie~
From North Carolina, we are lifting you and your family up in prayers! I came across your blog three nights ago and haven't stopped thinking about you and your family. God has placed you on my heart everyday and I find myself weeping over Reese ... though I have never lost a child, my heart breaks for you and your family!
Your blogs are so encouraging .... God will carry you!
Praying for you,
Kelli Gill

Laura said...

Praying for you...think of you often.

Ashley Jo Anglin said...

Another girl and I said a special prayer for you at church today. I discovered on Wednesday I was having some pregnancy compications, and thought I was losing my baby. I felt so hopeless. I cannot tell you how many times you crossed my mind. I thought of your faith and strength and it helped me so much. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I will keep praying for you.

Kelli said...

Yes, He is...keep praying on that. I'm praying for you and your family. I've been reading your blog since your illness. Kelli

amy said...

Yes, we are still praying for you. All my bible study girlfriends have you on thier list as well.
You are precious in HIs sight!

Cherry said...

Katie,
Beautiful, simply beautiful. Your open heart ready to share all of your pain with the world is a treasure to God and is the source of incredible healing. I am praying constantly for you and Jason. People will say that you are special, because you are exhibiting tremendous strength. You are very special indeed. As you are keenly aware that the grace for this moment comes from Jesus, our source for living life today & experiencing eternity tomorrow. All those who truly seek Him can receive this same mercy and grace for their time of need. He is amazing indeed, isn't he, as He demonstrates to a watching world that you are crying out to Him to meet your needs. Blessings as you journey through this, one day at a time.

Melissa said...

Katie,

Like many others I know about your story from reading Kelly's Korner. I am so sorry for your loss and cannot imagine the pain that you are feeling. I have always found comfort in Phillippians 4:13~ I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. May you find peace during this terrible tragedy. I will keep all of your family in my prayers.

Blessed be HIS name!

Melissa

Boothbloggers said...

Katie,
I found your blog thru Kellys Korner and have been grieving with you ever since I read about your little girl going to be with Jesus. I sat in church today and I couldn't get you and your family off my heart. Every song we sang made me think of you and how your faith in God is holding you up and giving you a soft place to rest in spite of the deep sadness you feel. (and of course, i could not stop the tears from falling)I just had our first baby in July and every time I looked over at him I cried. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through. Even though we do not know each other, I want you to know that I prayed for you this morning, for him to comfort you and to renew your strength every day. You are truly an inspiration of faith, hope and love. Your daughter is precious and she has definitely made an impression on me that I will never forget.May God bless you richly! You are in my prayers.....
We sang the song "Blessed be your name", this entire song is what you are doing right now and it just was so real and made such an impact on me. I'm sure you know these lyrics, but i'll post them just so you know for sure what song i'm talking about.

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

misti said...

Katie,
I've been reading your blog for about two weeks now and I'm so sorry to hear about Reese! I have to tell you that you are an inspiration to me and I wish I could be more like you spiritually! I lost my precious baby girl Piper Elisse last Aug. I gave birth to her at 26 weeks due to sever preeclamcia. My placenta seperated due to the high blood pressure but the nurse failed to catch all the signs and I went like that through the night. Almost unconcious the next morning due to all the blood loss I went in for an emergancy C-Section. Piper was born August 2 but did not make it! She also went to be with the Lord and we know she is truly our Guardian Angel! That was the hardest thing I've ever faced! It's so unfair but I finally realized that Piper was so perfect that God needed her in heaven and had a special plan for her! We know we will see her again and like you I just can't wait till the day comes that I will get to hold her in my arms again! I dream of it often! A year has passed and I miss her every day! I have a memory box filled with her things from the hospital and her nursery that I hold dear to my heart. I will charish those things forever along with our photos of our precious Angel! I totally understand your pain only I didn't get the two days that you did and I'm so proud that you got that time to bond with Reese. There is a book that someone gave me that is wonderful! It's called Mommy Please Dont Cry " there are no tears in Heaven" by Linda DeYmaz you should read it. It gave me peace and I stll pull it out and read it often! Sorry to take up so much of your time it's just that your story reminded me so much of ours that I felt as if I needed to reach out and share with you. I also wanted to let you know that October15 is National Rememberance of Infant loss day and I attend a ceremony at Ft. Smith and have met some wonderful people that share the same feelings and emotions. You should see if there is something in your area and check it out! Oh and I now am proud to say that I gave birth to a healthy baby boy Griffin Lane on July 27th! Jesus carried me through and blessed me with a beautiful baby boy! I couldn't have done any of this without Jesus in my life! He is amazing! Thanks again for your amazing strength and inspiration! We are Praying for you and your family!

Misti/Ozark,AR

Lauren Kelly said...

Thank you for the reminder that he is the great "I AM". With each and every day I'll be praying that he will show you more and more how he is the "I AM", and with each day I imagine it will get easier and easier for you. Doesn't mean you won't have your moments, but take comfort in knowing it will get easier!

spiritmom said...

Katie...about 5 years ago my husband was very sick and had been in the hospital for weeks. I had three kids ages 6, 3, and 1 at home and I traveled 120 miles roundtrip each day to see him. I kept reciting "Be still and know I am God" over and over. One day on my trek to the hospital I pulled into a random church parking lot and put my head on the steering wheel and cried my eyes out, wondering where God was? Would I be left to raise these kids alone? When I got done with my pity party, I wiped my eyes and looked up and the chruch marquee. The verse printed on it? Be Still and know I am God. He is with you every step. He weeps with you, as do we. My continued prayers...

Jill said...

Well, that certainly ministered to me today. He is I AM. And that is enough. Love you, sweet friend. Praying for you today.

Sunny said...

Through the loss of my brother, through the pain of sexual abuse, through the pain of losing a much wanted pregnancy, through the pain of losing my fertility, and through the process of surrogacy which we are in now - I find that if I look back on the times I was at peace the most, it was when I let Him carry me. These times I can feel His manifest presence in my life. I'm in a state of uncertainty right now through what is going on, but your words help to encourage me. Your faithfulness and spirit encourage me. My pastor said some words that made me think of you. He was talking about picking his daughter up from camp and how she was rambling on and on; he was looking at her thinking how much he adores her and it hit him that with as much love as he feels for her - God loves her more. With as much love as you feel for Reese - God loves her more. What a blessing to know that the God of the universe has such love for us that we can't even comprehend! Peace be with you.

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved