Monday, November 9, 2009

Rory's Garden

Reese's marker came in wrong. EXTREMELY. TERRIBLY. WRONG.

I saw it even before I got out of my car at the memorial gardens. The granite is the wrong color. I completely lost it.

I did what any other normal angry heartbroken mama would do. I kicked my car, banged my fist on the steering wheel a few times, and called Jason and my mom crying hysterically. Really.

The mistake was made at the manufacturers, and we have been very pleased with the memorial gardens we chose for Reese. But seriously. We've waited six weeks for her marker to come in, and now we have to wait six more!? Can anything go right?

After I pulled myself together, I ordered Zach's birthday cake from a bakery and searched for the most beautiful silk flowers I have ever seen for Reese's vase. While driving in my car I listened to Selah's You Deliver Me as high as my volume would go. My heart kept crying out, "Deliver me, LORD. I know you are good" over and over.

What a morning.


This is the best I could do before I picked Z up from MDO. I am pleased, but I still want to work on it a bit.

On a much softer and lighter note, Sarah added Reese's flower to Rory's Garden. Isn't it wonderful!?

Thoughtful gifts like this bring a sweetness to our hearts. Our raw feelings from Reese's short life on earth are not as overwhelming as they used to be, but the ache is greater and grows deeper with each day. The longing for Reese and depth of our pain still makes my stomach drop. Sometimes I feel as if I can't breathe. It comforts us greatly to know how much others love Reese, are thinking of her, and doing amazing things like this to remember her.

Bless your heart if you have read this post. I'm a mess.

As for man, his days are like grass: he flourishes like a flower of the field.

Psalm 103:15

83 comments:

Summer said...

Oh sweet Katie, your allowed to be a mess girl! I would have sooo kicked my car and hit my steering wheel after 6 weeks of waiting and then it's wrong! HELLO people, they should so reimburse you something for more suffering, as if your not going through enough already!
Anywho I am heated up at the manufacturer for ya! Don't get me started! Ha! Ha!

Anywho the flowers you picked are gorgeous! Red, imagine that! :0)

Wow Z is having a B-day huh! Very cool! Hope your day goes better! Here is a big hug from WV and if ya need to vent just e-mail me! You have my e-mail! You can vent as much as you would like!
Praying extra hard for you today!
Summer :0)

~Nicole~ said...

i'm so sorry reese's marker was wrong. praying for you...

Christa said...

Katie,

I am so deeply sorry about Reese's marker. I will be keeping you in my prayers today! Hugs from Texas!

Melanie said...

How awful for you; goodness knows you have enough to deal with already. But you need to cut yourself a huge break. You are completely allowed to lose it and vent your frustrations. You hold it together so well and continue moving forward each day, and you are allowed these moments of intense frustration. Just remember that God is holding you and loving you no matter your mood our outlook at the time.

Casi said...

Oh Katie, I am so sorry this happened to you! I can totally understand your frustration and tears - my heart aches for you and I pray they will get it right. And soon!

I do love the flowers - they're beautiful and the color is fab. You are totally allowed to vent, yell, scream, cry, stomp your foot and smack your steering wheel when you need to. Oh how I pray you will experience a fresh wave of His grace and goodness to get you over this hump.

Casi

walkers said...

Friend I am so sorry Reese's marker is not perfect. I hope that somehow it will be remedied. It looks beautiful still. You are such a precious mama.

oliviasmommy07 said...

oh sweetheart~you totally have every right to be upset. I would have too! God knows~even in our disappointment and anger~He knows. He understands the why of it all.
I pray peace, peace for you today. Peace that passes ALL understanding. Grace, grace~grace to deal with the shortcomings of others. Joy, joy~joy unspeakable~even when that is the furthest thing from your mind.

The flowers are beautiful!! Most of the time when you think of little girls you think of pink but EVERYTIME I think of Reese I think RED~LOVE IT!!

Kylie and crew. said...

What a day. I sure love how you end each post with scripture. The word is DEEP in your heart and it's so abvious. Thanks for continually being raw with your feelings. I can't BELIEVE they won't rush the order and that you have to wait another 6 weeks! I'm sorry.

Thomas and Jamie said...

You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to want what you PAID for. You're allowed to have this phase FINISHED! YOU'RE ALLOWED! And, you know what, we're here! Still. Praying. Hurting for and WITH you!

Jill said...

I hate it so badly for you that Reese's marker was wrong. But I have to be completely honest and say that after I felt so sad for a second, I had to giggle a little at the thought of you kicking your car and banging your steering wheel! Sweet, soft-spoken Katie, lashing out in her car. That is just something you can crack up about! :) Not that I would have if I'd been there. I would have totally been upset with you because that marker being wrong is totally uncool.... but then I would have cracked up... just cause I love a little comic relief in the serious moments. :)

Hope you can giggle a little today. :) Love ya!!

Cate said...

Take time to be angry. Take time to cry. Take time to be bitter. But remember who is in control. I wish someone had taken the time to tell me it was okay to be angry, mad, bitter and a wreck last year when we lost our first baby.
Praying hard for you friend. My heart truly breaks for you.

Kelly said...

I am so sorry her marker was wrong. How grossly unfair that was. You had every right to be hysterically upset. The flowers you chose are very pretty.

Mindy said...

Oh my Goodness...I would have been so upset, too. You have every right in this world to be a mess!!!

The flowers are beautiful, you are beautiful and Reese is beautiful.

I am praying for you today.

Kubin's said...

OH Sweet Katie...I cry for you, I pray for you, I just want to give you a huge hug!! I'm so sorry about the marker.
Lots of love going your way
Christie

Lisa said...

Katie-

It broke my heart today to read about your post. You are so allowed to be angry...after waiting so long for it to come in.

The flowers look really good and I know you will be having a good time planning Zach's birthday!

((Hugs))

Lisa :)

Launa said...

oh hon... so sorry about Reese's marker! But the flowers are beautiful and so is her name!

Michele Jackson said...

So sorry to hear about that. :( I know that is NOT what you needed right now. Bless your sweet heart. The flowers are gorgeous. Beautiful flowers for a beautiful little girl. Love ya!
Michele

Amanda said...

I am so sorry the marker was wrong.
The flowers are beautiful!!!

Todd and Courtney said...

oh sweet girl. I totally got teary eyed reading that. The flowers you picked out are gorgeous!!!! I would totally come visit Reese if I lived there :)

jayfersgirl said...

Oh, Katie, of course you were upset! Every mom reading this knows we'd react the same way...things are supposed to be perfect for our kids. Especially huge things like this.

Launa said...

Katie-
I checked out Rory's Garden and her flower name and the verse are perfect!!! So beautiful!

Alex and Jill said...

Bless your heart. I'm so sorry Reese's marker wasn't right. You have every right to be a mess.

Praying for you right now, sweet girl.

Sarah said...

I'm sooo sorry about that!!! I'll pray the correct one won't take 6 more weeks! :( I hope the rest of your week goes much,much better! Thinking, praying and sending lots of hugs!! ♥♥

Tristan said...

I would have kicked the car too, so sorry it was wrong, that's just not fair :(

I think the flowers look beautiful!

Colleen said...

Prayers sent from afar! You have a right to be angry and express it. The flowers are GORGEOUS!!!

Brandi said...

I'm so sorry!!! The flowers are beautiful just like beautiful Reese. You deserve to do all the screaming, kicking and crying that you want!! Sending you lots of hugs. Praying for you!!!!

julie said...

The flowers are beautiful. I have been reading your blog for a while now. My brother died nine days before I was born due to a doctor's mistake (he was seven) the doctor stuck a tube down his throat wrong and cut off his oxygen. My mom has clung to God and her faith is what makes her push forward. Praying for you!

Kari Beth said...

looks beautiful, Katie! you are doing a great job. glad to see you on sunday. you are just precious!

Kathryn said...

I got all teared up reading this. I know how much you look forward to that stone being in place. I could hardly bear to go visit until ours was in place. When they put our stone in, some of the cement they put in to hold it, got on the stone and hardened. I got all upset when we came to see it. The Sexton is a friend of my dad's, and he got it taken care of right away.

All that to say, I know how you feel. I hope they get it replaced in less time than the current stone took. For what it's worth..it looks lovely with the color that is there now. I'm sure it will be BEAUTIFUL with the color you chose!

Susie from Bienvenue said...

(((hugs)))...prayers...and we are here for you~

Shelly said...

I just want to hug you right now! My heart breaks for you and I can't even imagine the pain and heartache you must have felt all over again when you saw that marker. I think you reacted the way ALL of us would have! After all you've been through-if kicking and hitting the car is the worst you do-you go girl!! :)

Praying for you still.

Lindsay said...

Absolutely normal to be a mess. Not even a mess, just a Mommy who reacted as I would. However, the flowers you selected are beautiful! And Happy Birthday to Z man! Prayers are being lifted up for you right now! ((((big hugs))))

Becky said...

What beautiful flowers! Today I got a surprise note from a dear friend who also lost a daughter - Sheena was 17 and didn't survive a heart/lung transplant. The Lord also used her testimony after she went Home, just as He is using Reese's......

Still praying......

Karen said...

Oh, that broke my heart. I know that would have been upsetting to me, but your flowers are so beautiful! You are such a good mommy, Katie!!

I love Selah's cd, also...Into My Heart is my favorite ...

Amanda said...

Katie,

I am in awe of your strength. I lost my son Gavin last year after 26 short days with him. I am so sorry for the problems with Reese's marker. I can relate because I remember how long we waited and I held my breath when seeing it for the first time because for one it all seemed much more permanent/real then and also because I was terrified that his name would be misspelled. You did a beautiful job with the flowers. I am going to Michael's tomorrow in search of some new flowers for Gavin's grave as well. It makes me feel closer to him when I am able to do the even the smallest things for his gravesite. I guess that is the mother in us, wanting to take care of our children in any way that we can. Continue to surround yourself with family and friends, they are the only reason I am still standing today.

Blessings,
Amanda

Forever missing Gavin 4/7-5/3/08

Brittany said...

Saying extra prayers for you today! :) Hope tomorrow is a brighter day!

PS, and the flowers are BEAUTIFUL!

Leanne said...

Wow.

Wow.

wow.

I'm praying for you right now.

"When the road is winding, and way too long, You deliver me"....

Hang on.

Mommy 2 One Angel said...

Here's a virtual hug for you. *HUG* I know exactly how it is to be a mess. It's not easy that's for sure. I don't understand why it's SO hard for manufacturers to get something right for a change. The first place my parents ordered my brother's marker from took forever to even order it. Finally mom and dad cancelled the order and went somewhere else. The new marker came in last week and it's beautiful. (if a grave marker could even be such..it's hard for me to discuss it...) I'm still praying for you. The holidays are going to be different for us this year. I pray that God will continually wrap His loving arms around you and hold you tighter than ever before. Deliver me is my "out" song too. I love it. I blare it often. Still praying for you and your family. God bless!

Mommy 2 One Angel said...

and btw the flowers you arranged for Reese are just gorgeous. She's smiling from Heaven I'm sure. ;)

Genie Marie said...

Hang in there Katie....you are allowed time to break down...to cry and beat your fists(we all do it...we just don't admit it). So sorry about the marker..but the flowers are beautiful and so is the picture of her name on the petal....so sweet. Keep trusting Him Katie...I am praying for you in Georgia!!!

Maxcey said...

Go ahead, kick, scream, yell!! I would of done the exact same thing! My heart is aching for you today and everyday to come. Love and prayers from Nebraska!

Maxcey

Carol Kennon said...

I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through this. You have every right to be a mess...every right. Praying the new marker is exactly how you want it to be and gets in sooner. The flowers are beautiful. Great job on them. And, what a wonderful song to listen to at a moment like this. I had to turn the volume up on that same song just yesterday. I'm sure Selah had no clue as to how much that song would minister to so many people in so many different ways. Praying for you and your family.

Lil' K said...

You are definitely allowed to have any moment where you are angry and long for your sweet girl. Thank you for sharing this with us and for your honesty. As I have said before, it is your strength and HONESTY that make me want to be better....

Thank you!

Linds said...

you had every right to be mad and upset. I probably would've been raging if I were you! you poor thing! praying for you!!!

The Galindo Family said...

I can't even imagine the pain that you are feeling right now, but I hope that you find comfort in knowing that you are in our prayers daily!

Makila said...

Katie,
I've been reading for awhile now but haven't left a comment. I want you to know I'm praying for you and I think of you often.

I am sorry Reese's marker was wrong.

Makila

Heather said...

I can't even imagine, I think I would have done the EXACT same thing, Called my Mom and Jon crying and everything :)

You did a great job on the flowers! They are beautiful!!!! Just like you and sweet Reese.

Samantha said...

Katie -

You are not a mess... you are amazing.

Love you,

Sam M.

Jane said...

I don't know you.

Chances are that I will never meet you.

I pray for you all the time anyway.

Reading your thoughts reminds me why I do what I do.

It reminds me to keep a smile on my face, no matter how hard things might seem.

It reminds me its okay to cry.

It reminds me that its even okay to cry and smile at the same time.

It reminds me that even though I spend 18 hours a day at the hospital/school/library, I am blessed to be living my dream.

It reminds me to think about others feelings.

It reminds me that medicine is more than just a science.

Thank you for continuing to share your life with us.

Thank you for helping me on my path to become a better physician.

Thank you for always reminding me that God is in control.

Nicole said...

THe Flowers and vase are beautiful!!! Really, very stunning! Reese is so luck to have a mommy like you, looking out for her as she looks over you! I am sorry her plaque didn't turn out ok, but when you get it FINALLY it will look great! If you ever want a friend to visit her garden with you I would love bet here for you!

Taylor said...

I'm so sorry today wasn't a great day. On a better note...the flowers look beautiful! And you are most certainly entitled to be a mess, it's more than understandable! You just cry if that's what you need and know that we all love you and are wrapping you in spiritual hugs and continuing to pray!!

Kimberly said...

I'm so sorry Katie. I hope and pray the marker will come very soon and be just perfect. Sooo many prayers for you and your family tonight from Australia.

Tracychele @ The Week-Ender said...

Well, shame on them for messing that up! It is a very sensitive and important thing and it should have been double, triple checked!!! I am so sorry. The flowers were beautiful and I sure hope they will be keeping that marker down until the right one comes! Keep your sweet head!

Donna said...

Oh, Katie! Bless your heart! I would have kicked my car and banged my fists, too! Hopefully the manufacturer will get things straightened out for you. I'm praying that it won't take the full six weeks!
Reese's flowers are absolutely beautiful! Praying for ya!

SouthernGalsBoutique said...

((hugs)) Katie... you have every right to be upset and angry like that! I would have been the same way. This quote was in an email I just read, and then I came to your blog... so I'll share it with you. 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.'.. your in my prayers

Jen said...

Dear Katie,
I'm so sorry for your disappointing day. It must have been like a physical slap to see the wrong marker in place. My mom went through a similar situation last week when she went to see her mom's (my grandmother) marker. My grandma died 2 years ago from cancer and was cremated. She asked my mom to make sure she was buried on her father's grave, but that cemetary was a long way away and hard to deal with for various reasons. My mom finally got the arrangements made and Grandma was buried with her parents. The marker was ordered and delivered over the summer. Imagine my mom's horror (I picture it just as you described) when they drove out to the cemetary and found that the marker had been place a far distance away from the actual gravesite. Mom said she nearly fainted with emotion and wanted to dig it up and move it herself, right then and there.
She made some phone calls when they got home and hopefully the situation will be fixed, but they won't be able to get back to check until spring. So I know it's a tender spot for her until then.
Also, some people tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal because it could easily be fixed, but you mustn't let anyone make you feel guilty about your tender heart right now. If you had ordered Zach's cake and it had his name spelled wrong, you'd insist that it be fixed and you'd be right to ask! This is the same for Reese and how you're taking care of her. You're her mom and it's perfectly fine for you to feel angry and frustrated about this difficult situation.

Continuing to pray for you and Jason as you spend another day in Jesus' comforting embrace.

In Him,
Jen from PA

Amy in PA said...

Keep your eyes on the cross, girl.

Shady Lady! said...

So sorry Katie - it does look beautiful though. The flowers are gorgeous.

Be as big of a mess as you want.

Sara said...

Katie,
I am sorry about the marker. You definitely deserved to have it be right! As I read my devotion this morning the Thought of the Day made me think of you. "God can use even tragic situations and circumstances for divine purposes." I feel HE is using your tragic situation for His divine purpose and I know you believe that as well. Please know that through your tragedy and your faith and transparency and truth I have been affected! For the first time in my life I have LONGED to be closer to the Father. I have sought Him, not waiting to be sought! I can feel the changes being made in my heart, in my soul. I know it doesn't ease your pain or the burden you are going through, but Reese was not taken from you in vain, as I know I am not the only one being affected by her short, perfect life and your carrying on her legacy. Please keep being transparent and letting us see into the most personal parts of your journey. Continue to let us lift you and your family up in our prayers. Let us cry with you, for you and let us smile with you! Thank you so much for sharing Reese with us and for sharing your story...Hugs to you!

Rebekah said...

We still pray for you every day, but we will be praying extra hard over the next few days. It is alright to have breakdowns. I really appreciate your honesty. I am so sorry that you are hurting so badly. God is still holding you and loving you in the midst of such darkness.

Lauren Kelly said...

Katie, bless your heart! I couldn't even imagine. It's the small details that are the hardest to work through, but when you have a good release of those flood of emotions, you can gain a new perspective and that's truly what will get you through each day :) Love you!

The Kahler Family said...

You are a beautiful mess.
He is doing amazing things through Reese's life and through your family.
Thank you for sharing your pain with us so that we know how to pray.
Gorgeous flowers.

The Cummings Family said...

God bless you! Remember, even in our messiest times, God loves us! Praying for you :)

Sunny said...

You are far short of a mess...you are a mother grieving the terrible, unthinkable loss of her precious child. You acted appropriately for the moment you were having. I pray for you. Keep taking one breath at a time, one step at a time...

Rikki said...

Bless your heart! Still praying for you and I promise, I will get your stuff to the mailbox soon!

Karen said...

I am so sorry that Reese's mark was wrong, how horribly frustrating. Like you need to deal with their incompetence right now!!!! Lots of prayers for you and Reese today. Hang in there.

Karen

AdoptedbyGrace said...

Katie,
Sending much love and compassion your way. The flowers are breathtakingly beautiful just like Reese. I am sorry for your hurt.

Jennifer said...

So sorry things were messed up with Reese's marker! I hope you don't have to wait long for the new one.

The flower arrangement you put together is beautiful, the colors you chose are very pretty!

(((Praying for you)))

Laurie said...

Katie-I think about you all the time! I am so sorry about the marker. I love that you are so real! Praying for you!

Kim said...

Katie,
My heart, thoughts and prayers are with you EVERYDAY. I think about you and Reese and your family everyday and I know you are in the hands of the Lord. You are a strong woman, and I admire you for that.

You have every right to be so very angry. The flowers are beautiful. Just like Reese.

Hugs,
Kim

MammaWarrior said...

I really do not think ANYONE can relate to this emotional time unless they have actually BEEN there! It's nothing like picking up the wrong birthday cake, the wrong pictures.....this is something that only another bereaved parent would understand! I bet you did kick your car, I am positive you fell apart! YOUR ENTITLED! When we fall apart there are no words. There is nothing to say that will ever make this ok. Thankfully you are a faithful woman and turned to Jesus for comfort! I look to you with admiration! ((hugs))

Momofgirls said...

praying for you, sweet girl. i know it is hard, and unfair.

Carla said...

I am SO sorry about this. Please know it is okay to react the way you did. Do you mind if I ask why you called your post Rory's Garden. I must have missed something.
The flowers are perfect.

Love,
Carla in Maryland

Tina D said...

Sweet friend,

I am so sorry for your pain. Your longing for your sweet baby girl. I pray for you daily. I follow your blog all the time, and my husband questions that. He says "why would you subject yourself to such sad stories, it's torture". I feel that I have to follow your word. You are so God-loving and so inspirational. I can't imagine your loss, but I see and feel your grief. It's so real and so strong. You make me appreciate EVERYTHING in my life. Reese makes me appreciate all things, good and bad in my life. Praying for you always!
Tina

The Blue Sparrow said...

I am so sorry that Reece's marker is wrong. It's one of the last things that we can control so I understand why you were upset. We want our babies sites to be beautiful. Sarah did a wonderful job on her flower. Its just georgous! *HUGS*

Patti said...

I can so understand your grief. I lost my son who was a Navy pilot in an accident when he was 27. When they finally got the marker it had the wrong birthday on it. I sat on the grass and cried hysterically and then went to the cemetary office and yelled at everyone I could find. Do not do that to my son!!!! Do not do that to me!!! I guess when you are hurting as bad as you are...I was there so I know...anything and everything is reason for a breakdown. It is okay. It is the way your heart deals with the tragedy of it all.

Alison said...

UGHHHH! How frustrating! Maybe they will get the new one in before 6 weeks.

Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry about the marker! As I rocked my baby boy to sleep tonight, I pray that the Lord of comfort and peace would hold you tight tonight! You are being lifted up in Indianapolis!

Kelli said...

Katie,
I don't know what to say other than cling tightly to God's promise to never leave you!!! Hugs:))

hi-d said...

I am so sorry, Katie! Your frustration is totally justified! I agree with Summer...I think the manufacturer should compensate or reimburse you...something!!!

I must say that your flowers are absolutely beautiful! Take care my friend...

hi-d

Rachel Freeman said...

I don't think I've ever commented but I found you through Kelley's blog and Heather's deal blog.

I have tears in my eyes and don't even know you.

I have been looking for the perfect thing to put Reese's name on. Hopefully my kids and I can find something soon! I have been praying for you daily!

Megan said...

Reese's marker looks beautiful, but I'm sure the one that you picked will be even prettier! I've been following your blog for about three months (I found you through Kelly's Korner). My cousin (who is like a sister to me) delivered and lost her baby boy on Monday. We knew it was coming because he had been diagnosed with Trisomy 13, but the sting has still been so great. I have found so much comfort in your blog. Thank you so much for taking the time to share!

The Vosslers said...

I have thought of you and prayed for you so often. This all happened while I was pregnant with my fifth baby (a girl after four boys). Your story reminds me to not hold so tightly to this little baby who was born two days ago. To give her to Jesus to do what He will with her. To thank Him for His grace in our lives, in whatever form it comes. And I pray for you. I do. Your story has impacted my life. If I were you, I'm not sure I would care ... I would be so wrapped up in my pain that I wouldn't care who my story helped, I would just want my baby back. I have tears in my eyes as I sit here, holding her, ready to be discharged this morning and bring her home the way you didn't get to do. And I just want you to know that I've been reading your blog and praying for you and asking God to give you comfort and hope. And I wish you had never had to walk through this.

There is a beautiful song about trials. It is called When Trials Come.

"When trials come, no longer fear, for in the pain our God draws near..." and it says that the stars shine most brightly in the night. God's grace is pouring down on you in a way that those of us who have not walked this road have never felt because of not having the need. He is close to you.

 
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