Wednesday, August 25, 2010

My Heart

Colson is six weeks and one day old. ; ) I had high expectations of him sleeping through the night at six weeks, and I talked with him at length about this. I guess he didn't think I was serious. Oh well. ; ) Soon! His longest span of sleep at night is five hours, so it's nice.

I keep thinking how much I love having him in our home. He fills my arms and heart, and I feel closer to Reese in a different way than before he was born.

A few months ago one of my best friends told me about another couple who lost a baby. She thought about it a long time before she told me and said, "Reese's legacy includes your ministry." I love this thought. Anything connected to Reese gives me purpose.

Healing does come, very slowly and just how GOD sees you need it. For us Colson has been a big part of this. Just having another baby is healing in itself because it was what we wanted. Our boys also keep us so busy I don't have much time to "dwell" which is nice at times.

It's sometimes strange for me to see pictures of us as a family with Reese and now with Colson. We are the same but different than we were last year. I carry Reese always in my heart and think of her as I look at our boys together. She is the beauty that surrounds their rowdy natures.

My heart is heavy for those moms and dads who have lost a child. A year later I still cannot believe it happened to us. After Reese passed away it was very healing to talk to other mothers who had lost babies. Whether it had been ten years or ten weeks before, I soaked in their wisdom and advice. Just having heartache as our connection was comforting in it's own way.

Two weeks after Reese went to Heaven, I spoke for hours with two family friends who also have babies in Heaven. They are both a few years older than me, and we now live in different cities. I will always remember their words and truth they poured into my devastated heart.

I know my close friends have felt limited in how they could comfort me this year. Thankfully, they are not limited in their encouragement or prayers.

This is what is on my heart today. If it's healing for you, please do not stop talking about your child in Heaven. For me it's extremely helpful, but others may be more private with their grief. Both are completely fine.


Just for fun and cuteness...
This morning Zach shared his cars with Colson (notice the yellow car by Colson's head). He was so proud of himself, and there are at least two more cars that had fallen down by Colson's neck. This had to be comfortable. Ha!

So sweet. It's progress. ; )


You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in Your ledger,
each ache written in Your book.

Psalm 56:8

20 comments:

Jodi Lansink said...

I feel the same way. When I read your words, I feel like it is coming out of my mouth. You are very blessed to have 3 adorable little ones!

Kristi (Turley) Jackson said...

I love how Reese lives on in your life. My mother lives on in mine! I lost her in August 22, 2008 to a massive heart attack - totally unexpected. One year later, due on the anniversary of her death, I have my very own little girl. (Such a surprise after 2 failed pregnancies!) God takes, God gives & God makes all things beautiful in His time. I miss my mother so much and talk about her still even though she too is in Heaven. Sometimes others aren't sure how to respond but I let her love live on. Thank you for sharing your heart!

Clementsville: Population of 4! said...

So so sweet Katie!! If you get a chance this just came to mind. I friend of mine that has lost a child started a ministry called CrossHeart Ministries. The website is www.crossheartministries.net, check it out when you can, she goes to my church and here in the Memphis area she has helped so many parent who have lost children! It's such a great ministry and something one day that could help you or give you ideas for Reese! We all love her so much!!

Leanne said...

Yes, Katie.

It helps others to read of your journey with Reese because initially, we feel so alone and so like when our babies die, nobody else out there could possibly be feeling this same pain....

When we are so transparent and so honest about the journey, other moms heal too. There is safety and strength in numbers.

I can't believe Colson is already 6 weeks old!!! Amazing!

Take care!

Linds said...

Your friend is so wise in her statement. She will always live on through what you are able to share with other families, and you are able to reach other families who lose little ones in ways that those of us who have not will never be able to experience. I love how you are so open about it... it helps me understand so much better than if you didn't speak at all. We are praying for you guys!

PS-- Zach is such a good big brother sharing his toys. I am scared that Brayden will just THROW them at Connor... LOL.

The Rohman Family said...

I have never experienced the pain of losing a child, but some dear friends of mine have. Through them, I have learned a lot about what you posted today...that everyone's grief is different. My friends have found a wonderful way to help with their grief surrounding the loss of their first son. Any of your readers who are interested can check it out through my blog at www.erinrohman.blogspot.com.

PS, all 3 of your children are so beautiful. I love the cars by Colson's head...just like something my oldest would do for his baby brother :)

The Buchanan Family said...

I needed this today. Its been three years since I lost my granny and I know its different to lose a child but losing a love one period is heart breaking. Thanks for sharing.

Ally said...

Thank you, Katie, for always being so open with your faith and your grief. I never thought that I would lose a child, but here I am, at 21 weeks pregnant, expecting to lose my child shortly after his birth. We are committed to loving and caring for him while I do carry him, but my heart aches when I think about what is to come. But I, too, know that the Lord will be by our side through it all. Thank you for your post today!

Lauren said...

This is beautiful, Katie...just like your precious heart!!! :)

Shelley said...

I love that you share such honest feelings with all of us, even those of us who you don't know! The picture of the boys reminded me of when my daughter was a newborn. My son (who was about 3 at the time) was showing her one of his cars and her hand happened to flop down on one. He told me he wanted to take her back to the hospital because she was trying to take one of his cars. It's so interesting to imagine what must be going through their minds!

Gwen Toliver said...

Katie - I so appreciate how you continue to find joy and to live a life of gratefulness even in the midst of grief. I keep praying for you!!! Keep shining brightly for Him.

The Bunch Fam! said...

Funny that both of our boys are into cars right now...MIGHT it have something to do with their Fathers.........?

Sara said...

Thanks for always sharing your heart!

What cute brotherly love. We are trying to work on sharing with Bryce, but as an only child right now it is hard - everything is his so why share. Ha!

Amanda said...

You are so right Katie. Everyone has to deal with their grief in their own way and neither way is wrong. It is healing for me to talk about Gavin all the time. My boys talk about their brother in heaven regularly and we are open with them. I find that sometimes I have bottled up the tears for a while and then they just come spilling out. It reminds me that I have to let myself feel the pain and the grief just represents the depth of my love for my precious son.

Blessings,
Amanda

Forever missing Gavin 4/7-5/3/08

Summer said...

Katie,
Hi sweet friend! Thanks so much for your note today! I love that your friend told you that "Reese lives on through your ministry" that is so true! Reese has touched so many lives and through your ministry you have helped so many people! Oh how I wish that you didn't have to go through all of this! I admire your strength, you are truly the best mommy!! Reese is smiling at how wonderful of a mother you still are to her and always will be! I love that you talk about her so openly, incorporate her in family pictures, send sweet announcements on her first birthday with jesus (in which I loved) I cry everytime I look at it....

On a lighter note um I had to laugh right out loud at Z sharing his cars with Colson....oh boy oh boy do you have your hands full LOL....

love you
Summer :0)

Lindsey said...

Your blog is such an inspiration. I love all the verses you choose! Keep talking about your baby girl...I won't stop talking about my lil babes! How true that talking to another angel mommy or reading anothers blog can slowly start the healing process.

Jodie said...

Thank you for sharing your truth with us. Your post today gave me hope. I lost my baby boy 4 hours after he was born, 9 months ago. It's neat that your little son has brought you closer to Reese. I hope that happens for me too someday. Thank you.

Trac~ said...

Big hugs my friend! Love the picture of the boys and glad Z man is making progress each day! I'm sure they are going to be great friends and very close! xoxoxo

Mer said...

Colson is looking so big!!! I'm so glad i get to hold him soon!!!!!!! Love you much!

Karen said...

Thank you for sharing this, Katie! It was so encouraging to read this...
I love seeing pictures of your boys. Keep them coming=)!

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved