This was our first actual conversation! I had to laugh because although he has no idea what a brother or sister is, he is taking in so much more than I realize. He will be wonderful with his new little sibling.
After Bible study Tuesday as we drove past Reese's garden, he was calling out her name again. I said, "Zach, Reese is in Heaven, but we can come here to remember her...even though we are always thinking about her." He kept repeating "-member, -member."
I love watching Zach at this age. I love that I don't have to be deep with him concerning Reese while continuing to create her place in our family. I want talking about Reese to be such a normal part of our everyday lives. Jason and I don't talk to him about her in a sad way, just like she is his baby sister that is in Heaven.
At times it can be a little "too normal" if this makes any sense. Overall it's a very good thing, just another one of my conflicting emotions playing tug-of-war in my heart. We can talk about Reese, look at her pictures, praise GOD for her life, but she is still not here. None of this brings her back, but we keep her memory alive and always will. The good days are so much more in between the hard ones, but the ache and pain is still so severe, sharp, and deep. I just want my little girl back.
Yesterday I was so excited to buy little Valentine's for Zach to hand out at "school" next week. I went to Hobby Lobby to have "Mine for a Moment" framed before I bought them. It took about an hour for me to pick out just the perfect matte and frame for the print. While I was there the song "Butterfly Kisses" came on. I haven't heard this song in forever but just lost it. It's such a tender song to begin with, but when I thought about how we'll never even get those kisses from Reese in the first place it was too much. My brokenness takes me by surprise sometimes.
As I checked out, I prayed over and over, "LORD, fill my broken places. Fill my endless "never will haves" with Reese. I believe You will. Only You can. Fill me, fill me."
If Reese had lived she would be a very very sick little girl. GOD has comforted my heart countless times by reminding me that she is alive, healthy, and free in Heaven. Not trapped in her little body, but living a dream. As her mom, I would truly choose that for her, too.
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.