Thursday, February 11, 2010

Six Months

Reese was born six months ago. Today I'm sad. Angry. I can't stop crying. Tired of trying to make this our new normal. Can't get out of my mind that we "should" have a precious six month old daughter in our home. Hard day.
What would she look like today? What kind of personality would she have? Would we be settled in with having two children so close in age? Sleeping again? How different would our lives be?
I love this picture because to me her profile is so much like Jason's...in a girly way of course. Our two children look so much like him maybe this next one will look like me? Probably not. ; ) That's just fine with me, too.
Where is this peaceful woman today?

Lord, what a perfect gift you gave to us for two days. Thank you. We'll never be the same.

Sweet Daddy
Beautiful feet

How she has changed our lives for the better. We love you we love you, Reese!

After Reese went to Heaven, a precious friend of mine shared with me this advice, "Grieve hard." Sounds so simple, yet it hit me so profoundly. I have been grieving hard, and I want to. I need to. Have to. I cannot shut my feelings off because even if I try they don't stay hidden very long (ask Jason!).

Thank you for grieving hard with me and at the same time rejoicing greatly with us as we see and continue to wait for GOD's redemption.


I keep right on praying to You, Lord, hoping this is the time You will show me favor. In Your unfailing love, O God, answer my prayer with Your sure salvation.

Psalm 69:13

80 comments:

Lara said...

My heart breaks for you. I think the advice to "grieve hard" is sound. If it's any comfort, just think of the fact that Reese is in paradise, in the arms of Jesus. I know that doesn't help you down here, but your sweet baby is home. Praying for you.

Jill said...

I am so sorry. I have been following your blog for about 8 months and haven't really ever left a comment. I came across your blog as i realized we had little girls due around the same time. My heart hurts for you as you grasp the moments that you would have had with Reese. You are an encourager to me and keep me going when things get rough. You are in our thoughts and prayers, and may He lift you in the moments like today, her 6 month birthday.

Amanda said...

Your friend is so right, Grieve Hard! I grieved for a very long time, I still grieve at times and think we always will to some point. At Kate's funeral our pastor said "God through time will heal". I have remembered that this past 4 1/2 years and I have learned how to live again but that did not happen over night - I believe you have to let yourself truly grieve as long as you need to. You know sometimes I think about Jesus just rocking Kate in his great big rocking chair. What a day it will be when we get to see our little girls again. Happy 6 month birthday Reese!!

Mary said...

Katie, I am never sure what to say but had to say something today. My heart aches for you. I am praying for you. Praying that you will feel God's arms wrap around you with love. That He will hold you tight and not let go.

I always love your pictures. Resse is SO beautiful!!

~Bekah said...

all i know to say is God loves you and so do I. I have enjoyed reading your blog, crying w/ your posts, laughing, loving the pictures and expressions of God on your faces but I know today is hard but yes, Grieving hard is what you must do. We lost my grandpa in September and I had to help my mom in his home and it still smells like him and that is hard to smell and see. He should be here but as my husband told me today, he did not enjoy his earthly life but just realize how he lives now w/ your grandma watching you and shelby grow and laugh. that is his life and it is abundant and free from pain, sickness, tubes, needles, THIS EARTH! i know he's taking turns playin w/ Reese today on her 6 month birthday. He loved little girls. he called Shelby, "little Bee" since he always called me "queen bee." so i know he's got your little bee in his arms and talkin w/ God as they play today.

belle said...

my precious daughter died on aug 11, 2009 as well. today i "celebrate" her 6 mo birthday also.

my heart is breaking wide open with you. (((hugs)))

i too, still grieve and struggle to regain that amazing sense of peace and rest that God gifted me with to get through the funeral.

Sara said...

I am heartbroke for you today. I really don't know what to say and I doubt anything I could say would make the pain and hurt go away. I will be praying for you tonight just like every night. I hope you can find some sort of peace today.

Annie said...

The "what's" (what would she be doing, what would her hair look like, what would her favorite thing be, etc..) are ALWAYS the hardest. As are the milestone days... Praying for you right now!!!!!!!

Jennifer said...

Oh Katie. My heart literally aches for you. You are in my prayers. Your friend gave amazing advice. And know that we are grieving hard with you.

the bowlin family said...

sweet katie, i wish i could be one of the friends that you quote on your blog that says something to bring you peace or comfort on your hard days- i just don't have the words because i can't begin to understand the sadness you feel. i am praying for you today and so often. i love every picture you share of your sweet daughter reece. hugs!! stephanie blanchette bowlin

Minnesota Girl said...

Such a sweet post. I'm sure Reese is looking down and smiling at you, Jason and Z.

Are you going to find out the sex of baby #3 before it arrives, or just find out the day he/she is born?

Design Apprentice said...

Dear Katie,
I, like your other readers, feel so heart broken for you today. I am so sorry for all you have gone through. You are such an excellent mother to both of your children. I'm sure Reese, in Heaven, is so joyous that you are her mother. You are in my prayers.
Your bible verse for today fits beautifully and perfect.

Megan said...

Praying for you today...

Summer said...

Katie,
My heart aches for you! I cry with you, pray with you and I agree with your friend "grieve hard"!!

I pray you find peace today Sweet Katie! Oh how badly I wish precious Reese was with you today, but then I think she will always be with you in your heart! I'm so sorry your day is sooo rough! It stinks....

Hang in there friend
xoxo
Summer

tiffany said...

holding you close in prayer today, sweet katie.

ashley said...

There is so much I want to say to you right now - but none of it seems right - there is nothing to say. I hate that you are in pain and I find myself also wondering what Reese would be like at this age. I would love to pour scripture over you, but I know you're in God's word and living and breathing it daily. I want to grab you out of the pit and just hold you, but God's arms are so much bigger... and for some reason, He STILL has me in Dallas. :) Reese's pictures continue to take my breath away (I think they always will) Cry out today knowing that God promises "joy in the morning" Psalm 30:5 I love you so much friend and am honored to be on my knees for you today.

Lauren Kelly said...

Saying a prayer for you right now, sweet friend!! Love you very much!!!

Apple of His Eye said...

Love and praying with you sweet friend!

Lauren said...

Hi love. I know it's a hard day today, I'm praying for you. My eyes always fill with tears as I look at those sweet pics of Reese. She is in Heaven celebrating her 6 month birthday with Jesus. There is a song on the radio that comes on now and then and I have no idea the name of it or who sings it, but the words stuck to me today..."save a place for me, save some grace for me"...Reese is saving a place for you, you WILL get to see her again, what a glimmer of joy and hope here on Earth! Love you!

Jenna said...

Praying for you sweet Katie.

I can't imagine your grief. I am praying that God will ease your pain and provide you with comfort.

Tanner's Mom said...

My heart breaks for you Katie!
God bless you and hold you so tight you can feel her through him.

Jodi Lansink said...

I feel the same pain you do. This week will be 7 months for us....somedays I get mad and cry too----its ok to do that!!

Brei said...

praying for you, precious lady

*Valerie* said...

Katie, I've been following for 6 months, Feb 1 was the 15 year anniversary of my cousin Marcus' death. I always find peace in this poem that was on his programs from the funeral home.

I'm Free
Author unknown

Don't grieve for me for now I'm free,
I'm following the path God laid for me.
I took his hand when I heard him call,
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day,
to laugh, to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way,
I found my peace at close of day.
If my time seems all to brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief,
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wanted me now, he set me free!


Reese is watching over you and your family smiling, she is watching over this new pregnacy, she is y'alls little angel! She is rejoicing with the Lord. You will see her again! Your faith is so amazing to me and you are such an inspiration! My Caden is 6mo and 3 wks today, I never take a moment for granted! I am praying for you and your family, May God wrap His arms around you and grant you peace and comfort on all your hard days. The song Lauren is talking about is so fitting, I will send you a link to it! Many Blessings,
Valerie

Rebekah said...

Praying extra for you today. It hurts my heart that you are not getting know Reese and watch her grow and develop, too! I can not even begin to imagine the emptiness that is there. I pray that God will fill that void with a peace that passes all understanding today and in the days ahead! I love these pictures of Reese. She is beautiful! I know she is so proud that you are her momma!

Karen said...

Yes, grief is hard and you grieve hard. And nobody told me before that all these "unchristian-like" feelings would bubble up. But I learn to lean on Him and lean into my grief, as you have, precious precious Katie. You grieve with hope and it shines through everyone of your posts! What a testimony you have.
But I know you miss her desperately and I will continue praying for you.
Love you...love your precious heart.

Karen said...

Hi Katie, you have every reason to be upset and angry today. I wish I could give you a huge hug and tell you that everything will be OK. Beautiful Reese is in heaven smiling down on you today. God bless.

Karen

hi-d said...

I am so sorry Katie...I agree that it's so important to grieve. God Bless you, dear lady!

hi-d said...

I hesitate to post these verses, because I don't want them to come across the wrong way...but I was looking up the word 'grief' on biblegateway.com and came across the below...my heart is that you would know that you are okay in your grief...and that God has you in the palm of his hand. Just be, my friend...


Jacob tore his clothes in grief, dressed in rough burlap, and mourned his son a long, long time. His sons and daughters tried to comfort him but he refused their comfort. "I'll go to the grave mourning my son." Oh, how his father wept for him.
Genesis 37:34-35 The Message

Sarah said...

Grieve, be mad, tell God your hurt. He can take it. He grieves hard with you.
Praying tomorrow is a better day...even if "tomorrow" is many years from now. No matter how young she was, you are still and always will be her mother.
Sarah

Jess said...

What beautiful, sweet, peaceful pictures you have to look at today on Reese's 6 month birthday. I know she is celebrating up above with the Lord on this special day. May you be comforted to know God is right there with you as you grieve her not being in your arms. Grieve to Him for He is the healer of all.

Tristan said...

I'm saying extra prayers for you, I am just so sorry you have to go through this and I know you must miss your baby somethin' awful.

I love when you share pictures of Reese..she is so beautiful!

Dawnette said...

Praying for your family on yet another very hard day.
Father give this precious family peace and time to grieve, but also let them speak of Sweet Reese with love and joy. In Jesus name, Amen.

Casi said...

Katie,

My heart is breaking for you right now. I cannot imagine how you feel but I do know that Reese has changed many lives - including mine. She has not and will not be forgotten and neither are you, Jason and Zach.

While I pray with all my heart that the new baby will bring you absolute joy, I know nothing will ever take the place of your precious Reese. You amaze me with your strength and constant reliance on the Lord. Thank you for being open, honest and real.

Jill said...

praying for you today...right now!

Boni said...

Katie,

My heart just breaks for you. Grieve as much as you want and need to. I think that's the best medicine. It will never be OK, but you will eventually come to peace with this. I have faith and say prayers for you.

Reese is so close to Catherine's age. I know that probably doesn't help you, but please know that I cherish moments even more with my children (especially her). I think about you and have cried for you many nights while I have been rocking her.

I don't know how you feel, but I am compasionate and will continue to pray and grieve with you.

In our prayers,
Boni

Courtney said...

We are praying for you.

Todd and Courtney said...

:( It makes me cry, the whole situation. She's beautiful, Katie, just beautiful. She's the perfect combination of the 2 of you. PS: I think you should come to the Beth Moore conference :)

Dana said...

I pray for you sweet friend. I consider you a "friend". I tell my husband Jason about you often and share how amazing you and your family are. I can't begin to grasp all that you have been through and the emotions that you feel. Just always remember Reese is in a much better place than we are and she is smiling at her wonderful parents and brother. There is so much in my life too that I don't understand at times, but always try to remember God knows why. And, sometimes just that is all that gets me through. I know I stumbled upon your blog that night for a reason. Thank you for sharing.


On a lighter note, I bought the bath color things for my girls, they were a huge hit! Of course, my 3 year old loved them, but my oldest who turns 10 tomorrow loved them too! Looking for any fun in this extremely snowy and cold weather!
Take care :) ~ Dana

walkers said...

love, that is a hard mile marker. I love that word to grieve hard, how sweet in it's on way. praying for you today sweet mama. I love that you feel so deeply and are letting yourself do that. She is so beautiful and does look so much like her daddy.

Deciduous Heather said...

Katie! (((HUGS))) My heart breaks with you...Happy 6 months to sweet Reese....take your time healing, be gentle with your feelings, but allow yourself to feel.... and know that Reese is in heaven with no pain, no lingering health problems, and one day you will see her sweet face. I wish I could say more or do more to help...know that you and your family still remain in my prayers. Your precious Reese has touched my heart, and she won't be forgotten. :)
Heather in NC
p.s. She does have the most perfect profile ever <3

Susie said...

Katie, I'm praying for you today and remembering your sweet Reese. She is just beautiful!

Olga said...

I've written and deleted several comments, I just can't find the words. I'll just say praying you find some peace in your memories of your little angle Reese.

Fabiola said...

I wish I could give you a hug. I can feel your heart break and I don't get tired to tell you, every time I feel hopeless your are my inspiration.

Mary Louis Quinn said...

Thinking of and praying for you today, and always. I know this has to be unimaginably difficult.

Heather said...

I am so sorry, Katie. Words just aren't enough to tell you how sorry I am. I pray God will be right alongside you as you grieve hard. What great advice...to allow yourself to grieve hard. I am praying extra for you today.

Sarah said...

I love the picture of you and Reese. She looks so sweet in that headband!

♥♥

Elizabeth said...

"Let your unfailing love surround us, LORD, for our hope is in you alone." Psalm 33:22
I read this earlier in the week in bible study and have been praying that for you, may you feel His love and hope in Him alone. Love from Indy!

Diane said...

For some reason, 6 months after a death seems to always hit me the hardest. It did with my grandfather, and it especially did with my aunt. (She died the day before Chris and I got married. Six months after she died was my birthday.) In no way am I comparing those two lives to your sweet Reese. I just want you to know you're not alone in the 6 month grief. I wish I could have seen her at Christmas. I also wonder what she would look like right now. I cannot even imagine how your heart aches for her, sweet girl. Hang in there. Love you!

Lindsay said...

Katie, every night I pray that each day is just an ounce easier for you. My heart breaks for you and I know you are hurting, let it all out...it's healthy and prefectly normal. Greive hard seems like the perfect medicine. Reese is such a beautiful little angel. All the pictures that you share bring a smile to my face and tears to my eyes. He little tiny hand prints are so precious. I hope for just one single moment all the kind words of friends and even bloggy strangers...can bring some peace to your heart. What a day it will be when you get to see her sweet face again. ((((hugs))))

Kimberly said...

so sorry Katie. I am praying for you today and trust God to meet you where you are and be near to you. That is the only way to "grieve hard"-in His presence. May He comfort you and give you much grace to endure. Praising Him with you, too, for your newest expected blessing.

I also have to apologize now because I had previously asked you a question about your clothes and as cute as you always look I probably should have been more sensitive than to have asked you such a superficial question. So sorry about that.

Blessings,
Kim

Beth said...

I have no words that seem "quite right" tonight. 6 months later, my Mama heart still aches for you in a way that I cannot describe, and 6 months later, I'm still on my knees praying for you.

Mandy said...

Been praying for you all day. Mom, Dad and I have sat here and cried with you today. I love you so much.

beth said...

= (. I am so sorry. praying!

Hansen Family said...

Simply breathtaking photos of your precious Reese!!! Thank you for sharing your precious Reese with us.

Momofgirls said...

Praying for your sweet family...Hang in there, God has a purpose in the pain!

Shelley said...

Katie,
I don't know you but have been following your blog for quite some time now and have been praying for you and celebrating that you have a new little one on the way. There are no words I could say that will make the pain better...but I hope it does bring you some comfort to know that there are many of us here to lift you up and pray for you and be your shelter in this storm. I am facing a different type of loss...no where near as severe as yours but in a teeny way I can relate...I have a 5 month old foster son that will be leaving me soon and the hole it will leave in my heart will be HUGE. God has a plan for all of us and just know that you and Reese are a source of encouragment and a testament to strength and faith. You inspire me. I hope Peace finds your heart soon.

Hugs,
Shelley

Laura said...

Many prayers for you and your whole family. Every time I see a picture of your sweet Reese I am just flooded with tears. She is so beautiful.

Grieve Hard....I couldn't think of more perfect advice.

Mer said...

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God[a]; trust also in me. 2In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you. 3And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4You know the way to the place where I am going." John 14

Katie, we studied this passage in BSF this past week, and almost immediately my heart went to you. I know your heart is troubled. I can't imagine the pain you are in. I love how Jesus very matter of factly told his disciples who were processing what He was about to do..the cross..."If it were not so I would have told you". It was almost like he was just reassuring them...in case there is any doubt in your minds...believe me because I have said it. Believe the words He has shared with you. He's been so real and so tender. He has promised that He is preparing a place for you...a place that was already prepared for Reese...and a place where you know you will be also. How hard it must be to wait your lifetime, but it will be a only for a vapor that you are here. That's so easy to "say" but oh...how hard it would be to live. You are a strong faithful mamma. He will carry you until that day...he wouldn't have said so if it were not true. I love you.

Sara said...

Love, Love, Love those little handprints!! I think you received great advice from your friend and I think by sharing all of your grief here on your blog, you have impacted the lives of more people than you will probably ever know. Tonight I will pray a prayer of thanksgiving for the legacy Reese has left and also a prayer that your next baby will bring you more joy than you can imagine possible! Hugs from one momma to another.

jayfersgirl said...

Oh, Katie, I'm so, so sorry. I just can't even fathom the emotions that run through you every single day. And those milestones like today would be so hard...but it's all hard. It's all painful, and it's all not fair. I'm so sorry. Your friend gave you such wise advice...to grieve and lament. I just picture you doing a mental grieving as those in the Old Testament did physically -- tearing their clothes and pouring ashes on their heads.
I'm just so sorry.

Karen said...

Hugs and prayers for you sweetie! I would imagine all the milestone markers are going to be hard. I think you are an amazingly brave woman. Most of us can only cry right along with you and pray for your peace, but will never fully know the depth of pain you are feeling. Thanks for sharing the beautiful photos of Reese. She looks like Shannon in the profile picture. Blessings!

Mindy said...

Praying for you Sweet Friend.

I love all of these pictures. Those are the sweetest most perfect little feet!!!

Beth said...

What a pretty little baby girl, I'm so sorry she is not here with your family. My baby would have been 6 months on January 30, and her nickname is Katie :,)

Taylor said...

I can't believe it's been 6 months, that seems so surreal. I've been praying for you guys and hope that tonight brings sleep and rest. Sweet Reese is just dancing away I'm sure with our Lord!

Karyn said...

This is from Winnie the Pooh and it always reminds me of you, sweet Katie: ...you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think ...

Alex and Jill said...

Every time I see pics of Reese, I just can't believe how perfect and beautiful she was.

My heart just hurts with you after reading this post. Know that I'm lifting you up right now.

Trac~ said...

Awww... I am so sorry Katie. I know it has to be extremely tough and you are such a strong woman to be going through this. I know the Lord is going to bless you and your family so much with the newest arrival. You are such an inspiration and I am so happy I found your blog. I hope you have a nice weekend. P.S. Please check out my blog today - I have nominated you for an award. Big hugs! :o)

Amy said...

Praying for you Katie and your sweet family. I pray that the Lord wraps you in peace as you grieve hard for your precious Reese! As much as you would love to have Reese here with you, I pray that you will find comfort in knowing that she is celebrating her half birthday in the arms of our Savior!

casey-desmond's mommy said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. There is nothing that can be said to bring comfort...just knowing our comfort comes from the Lord. He is holding onto Reese as His Valentine. May you rest today is assurance of His providence. Blessings...

Alyce said...

I've been following Shannon's blog for a while and was saddened to hear of the loss your family has experienced. Heaven's gained a precious angel. Today I am glad I visited your blog...beautiful.
Blessings...

busymom said...

I don't have words, only prayers for you. God knows the peace and comfort you need, and I pray He's wrapping you in His arms. May He bless you. Today and tomorrow, and every day after. May His peace be with you. Hugs, Holly

The Cummings Family said...

Praying alongside you!!!

Jennifer said...

praying for you especially today.

Williams Family said...

I can't imagine what each day is like for you. I do not know you, but you are in my daily prayers. I love the blog world. You can have strangers praying for you because you would want the same in return. God Bless.

abxmomof3 said...

Hi Katie, I have been keeping up with you guys just haven't posted lately! I know this had to be a tough day for you. Know that we are all still thinking and praying for you. So happy about the new baby...my Zach also has a cousin named Weston (must be some Osceola juju!),

Take care and know how much you guys are loved!

Vickie

Ann said...

Oh, Katie,

May your hard grief drive you to the Word, our life, where in Christ all the promises are yes and amen.

So many love you, look up to you, watch you to see if your faith is real.

I pray your suffering won't be wasted but will count, for the kingdom, forever.

I love you and will continue to pray for you.

Ms. B.

Stefanie said...

I stumbled across your blog tonight...I want you to know you inspire me. My heart breaks for you. I am praying for your family that God will lift you at "these" moments and all moments.

TwinsanityMom said...

May god bless you all during this trying time.

Angie said...

Hey girl, I somehow missed this post. Those sad moments, hours, milestones, & days are difficult and always leave you exhausted.

Thinking and praying for you girl - love ya!!

 
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