Monday, December 30, 2013

Real

I hope ya'll had a Merry Christmas. It's almost Happy New Year. ; ) We had a wonderful week with our families in Little Rock. The days went by way too quickly! 

I have missed blogging regularly. I love to write. There's only so much I can write with an Instagram pic. ; )

I have shared so much of my heart on this blog, and it's time I shared a journey we've been on the past four months. I can't keep writing about our family without telling this recent chapter in our story.

It's a reason I haven't blogged much. I feel like I've been living in a dream that turned into a nightmare. I'm still a bit in a fog. We kept this very private to protect our family, and it was difficult for me to write without bleeding my emotions.

This fall Jason and I had a specific adoption situation we pursued. The opportunity presented itself the week of Reese's birthday and glory day so we could not deny the timing. We jumped all in. How could we not?

The details we perfect. A bright young woman who chose life for her baby. A healthy baby girl due in December.

I felt like the LORD had used the last 18 months (and really four years) to lead me to this point.

We decided to walk down this path as GOD led. Jason was cautious, and I was over the moon hopeful yet really tried to guard my heart. I know what real darkness is and still fight it. It was all completely out of our hands, and I'd never felt so helpless in all my life. 

The process was not easy by any means but I knew when I had this baby girl in my arms everything would be forgotten and worth it. I wasn't living in a dream world yet the Lord confirmed to me countless times that this was His will. His Word was my food and drink. I couldn't rely on anything else.

Adoption is something we have never felt called to or saw ourselves doing, but this situation was very specific. We did not seek it out. We went through the process for this one baby. A baby girl we believed belonged in our home.

When I told my testimony on Kelly's blog I was so hoping to share our good news then. Even though I don't deserve understanding it all made a little sense out of losing Reese. Because the Lord had this baby for us. 

We walked through open door after open door doing all the right things - waiting and waiting - until a few weeks ago when we found out the birth mom chose another family. 

Jason and I knew there were no guarantees, and we did what we said we would do. It sounds so black and white but my emotions don't quite get that. I'm very confused yet also feel peace.

I'm not sure why heartache seems to follow us. I KNOW I'm truly blessed with Jason and our boys. With our families and friends. I adore them all and I do not take God's blessings lightly.

There is still so much I would like to share but need to protect myself and Jason. Once again I feel carried by prayer. I joke that people must be tired of praying for us! 

I wish I had a happy ending to share. I'm still sifting through my questions about something that was so real yet out of our reach. It's cruel.

I've gone back and forth wondering if I should even share this, but it's another part of who we are now. I want to be real and not give Satan the chance to thrive in secrecy.  

I love the Lord, and I know He hasn't abandoned us. I'm already in a much better place than I was three weeks ago. I'm not sure why He allowed this to happen, and I desperately want Him to reveal Himself to us. I know He isn't finished. I still have hope. I'm very thankful for our families and friends who pray and hope and believe for us. They show me God's goodness.

I will keep watch for You, my strength...My faithful God will come to meet me.

Psalm 59:9-10

58 comments:

Green Girl said...

Oh Katie I am so very sorry. A girlfriend of mine is presently in the process of adopting this week and dealing with all sorts of emotions. When we go through the dark days we don't see what happens at the end of that season and it makes sense then. God is clearly using you for so much good and you have blessed so many just by being you. There are beautiful things coming your way soon that exceed all of your expectations. Prayers your way

Jamie said...

I am so sorry. That must be heartbreaking. I'll pray for your family.

Elizabeth said...

I am so sorry, Katie! Adoption can be such a roller coaster. You must feel so devastated, sad, and disappointed. Please keep it in the back of your mind to try again if/when you feel it is right...I think you all would make a wonderful adoptive family. The families I know who have had a failed adoption...but went on to have a successful one have told me that they felt a clarity once the whole plan is laid out. It would be so much easier emotionally if we could just get a sneak peak! I'll say a little prayer for your heart.

Sara said...

I am so sorry, Katie. In different ways, I understand what you mean. I'm so sorry for your loss again and for your heartache. I love the way you continue to set your face towards the Lord and are such a beautiful example to all of us. Much love. <3

Wendy said...

I believe there is a baby girl out there just for you. She might not even be conceived yet, she might be in the womb and she might be already born. She is there and one day, all things will come together at the exact right moment for you. Don't despair.

Elizabeth said...

One more little P.S. After we'd lost our 2nd child...and were pursuing adoption (which led us on a tremendous roller-coaster and eventually did end successfully), a friend told me "if the ending isn't happy for a family like yours, then the story clearly isn't finished." I can't wait to see your happy ending!!

Eleanor said...

Katie, my heart breaks for you. I'll pray for you and your family and some sort of clarity and understanding from all of this. I can only imagine how hard it is for you to set up your heart to welcome a new baby girl, only to have the adoption fall through. Sending big hugs and prayers your way.

Shelly Powers said...

I thought I would share a blog with you that the very same situation happened to a high school friend of mine. She refers to the situation on her blog as the maybe baby! She has since adopted another little girl LC! Sometimes reading about someone who was in your same situation offers hope for the future! God bless! The blog is http://amwalk21.blogspot.com

belle said...

! It is a loss indeed, a different kind of course but still one to be grieved.... you are in my prayers :(

((((hugs))))

Melissa said...

I'm sorry sorry to read this news. I can't imagine the emotional roller coaster you're on right now. Keep your eyes up - God is faithful and filled with mercy. Will be praying for you and your family.

hi-d said...

I'm so sorry for your heartache and loss. That has to be incredibly difficult. You are strong, brave and real and I admire you for sharing your story. God be with you and may He reveal His plan for you soon!

Heidi

DianeTaylor said...

Katie - I had tears in my eyes reading this post. I just finished reading One Thousand Gifts (the book) and I know that God's grace is with us always. That life isn't an emergency - it is something to be savored and treasured, moment to moment. God knows your heart, Katie. He laid that path out for you to follow - and you did, regardless of the fear in your heart. I lost my only child last year, my beautiful son Jonathan - and I have been stumbling thru life ever since. Feeling lost, knowing that so many of my hopes and dreams were crushed in the ashes of the fire that took his life at age 24.....why? I am still asking that question. I ask that question about your daughter. It makes no sense and yet, looking back, I understand it had to happen. So many good things have come from losing Jonathan, losing Reese....God weaves good into evil. It is a daily struggle for me to keep my faith close. I completely understand why you guard your heart in this situation - it is still so tender with the loss of your beautiful baby girl.

I will continue to pray for you - God will reveal his plan to you and it will be glorious!

Hugs,

Diane

Hillary said...

I'm so sorry friend :(. Praying for you and your family. I too know that God has an ultimate plan for all of us. I know the next chapter in your life will be amazing and I can't wait to read the next chapter that God has written for you!

Lots of love xoxox

Sue said...

Katie,
I have never responded on your blog but read it faithfully. I'm so terribly heartbroken and sorry for you and your family at this time. Thank you for sharing and please know that there are many many people praying for you.

Mandy said...

I love how you share your heart. I love how open you are about your deep hurts. The Lord is not finished with your story yet, sweet sister. There will be "rest for the weary". I know you are weary. Love you so.

Tracy Fowlkes said...

Thank you for sharing.....Praying your heart heals......I am going thru something so similar- I told my husband that I know I am so blessed....but yet feel so undeserving, because I want a little more (another child)

Life with the Akin Clan said...

My heart is breaking for you right now. A failed (oh how I hate that word!) word is a loss all over again. Take time to grieve this just as you have grieved Reece. I wish I could give you a hug and assure you it will all be ok. It may not be for awhile but God is going to use this for His glory, somehow, someway. It's the sad feelings we could do without though. And do not give up hope on adoption. Adopting is such a roller coaster but when God leads you to the perfect child for your family, all of the tears, paper cuts and emotions are worth it. Praying for you and yours.

Prayers from Longview, TX,
Aimee Akin
(Meredith's friend)

meg said...

I was SO hoping to find a happy ending, somewhere, at the end of this that I half skimmed it the first time -- I just wanted it so much for you. I've been a long-time reader, maybe through Kelly's Korner a while back?, but have never commented. I just love checking in on your adorable family and I'm so sorry for the way your year is coming to an end ... I can imagine the heartache and questions and I'll be praying for you.

Sherry Stewart said...

I am so so sorry for your pain and loss. I have two boys that are 26 and 27 now. We came close to adopting a little girl 23 years ago. God had other plans for that sweet little girl and she was adopted by the twin sister of one of my special friends. I got a new daughter (in-law) last month. I realized this sweet lady was born 2 months after we had to give up our daughter we had for 2 sweet weeks. God is so good. We don't always understand His plans, but he knows the future. I will pray for your pain and pray you don't have to wait 23 years for your dreams to be fulfilled. Your boys remind me of the sweet times I had with my boys.

m&msmommy said...

Oh Katie, I am SO sorry to be reading this. My heart breaks for your family. As a long time follower of your blog (I follow along even though I seldom comment) I "know" what amazing people you, Jason and the boys are, and I am just so, so, so sorry!!! :( I will be praying for you!

*My eyes just happened to glance over as I was typing this to Elizabeths "p.s." comment...and I absolutely LOVE the quote she shared "if the ending isn't happy for a family like yours, then the story clearly isn't finished." SO beautiful and SO true! Prayers to you my friend!

Carmen Gathmann said...

Praying so hard that Jesus will surround your family with His love and peace as you process this loss. I can't imagine the heartache you must be feeling. GOD loves your family SO MUCH, Katie, and He has a beautiful future for you. Hang in there, sweet girl! {{HUGS}}

Ronda Rhodes said...

Thank you for sharing your heart, even through your pain. God is using you in mighty ways Katie! Praying for you and Jason and for God's next chapter in your story.

jen said...

I adore your blog and have learned so much from you. I am praying for you and your family. Walk on, sweet sister!
A faithful reader, Jen

Becky said...

I am so sorry. Many years ago, we too had an adoption that fell through. I was even able to be with the mom when she gave birth. I have learned that when you take the 'd' out of disappointment and change it to an 'h', you have Hisappointment. Only eternity will reveal why, but just knowing how much He loves us makes it so much easier. My prayers are with all of you as you process this loss.

Christy said...

I'm so sorry, Katie! Thank you so much for sharing your heart. Praying for you and Jason.

Margot said...

Oh, Katie. I am so, so sorry. Praying God reveals himself through this heartache. You're faithfulness is an inspiration to me and so many others.

The Robnett Zoo said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I have lost a son at birth )20 years ago) and was never able to conceive again. When we started our adoption process I was so hopeful. My story is long but I will break it down. We had the girl who saw a desperate woman with a rich husband and used her pregnancy to try and gain financially. That baby girl is now almost 6 and with her maternial grandmother. Then God brought us the most amazing baby boy , Colt will be 5 in March and is my perfect little man. Then out of the blur 3 years ago we adopted Lilly. A year after that we lost a baby girl after having her in our home when the birth mother changed her mind. A huge heart break. It was a emotional miscarriage. I still grieve for my daughter. Then again out of the blue 12 weeks ago we were asked to adopt A baby. Storrie is now 6 weeks old. There is a lot more to our story, but what I know is every heart ache lead us to Storrie, Colt and Lilly and now is worth it. God has a plan for your family. And I really believe he has another abby for you. I have felt it many times while reading your blog. Stay strong!!

Tesha Papik said...

Oh I am so sorry for this loss. Praying for you and for God's perfect plan to unfold. As always you are a beautiful testimony for Jesus.

Jennifer said...

So proud of you for sharing your heart. Continuing to pray. Trusting the Lord to bring beauty from these ashes. {Isaiah 61:3} Love you, friend!

Bec74 said...

This is why you have been on my heart so much lately. Don't know you, other then through your blog. Been praying for you, knew nothing that was going on... But prayed for you anyway. I had a feeling something baby related was going on. God laid you on my heart for a reason. I pray you feel peace that passes all understanding. With every door that closes, another one always opens. Praying!

Dianna said...

My heart aches for you and your sweet family. What a difficult thing to go through. I will pray for your healing and understanding.

Lauren said...

Thanks so much for your realness!!! I appreciated it soo much and you have encouraged more people than you will ever know!!

Dail said...

Praying for you, Katie. Several families in our church have adopted precious children through our county department of social services. A couple of the families were not able to have their own children and our pastor's family added to their existing family. It has been so wonderful to see these children thrive in their new homes! These parents started our as foster parents and eventually adopted. Perhaps that could be an option for you. Either way, lifting you up in prayer.

Courtney said...

Thanks for sharing! Prayers for you all!

JMG said...

We have six adopted children each one adopted as infants... we have had many situations that didn't work out I was crushed each time ...now as i look back I can truly see Gods hand in all of it....i believe God uses each baby to lead you to the baby that is ment for your family...God truly is the only one in control..

JMG said...

we have adopted 6 times each of our chilren came to us as infants, we have had situations that havent worked out and it is so difficult.....i believe that each child leads you to the child God has chosen for your family, it just may not be the path you thought you would take keep the faith

Beverly Annette Photography said...

Katie, I too have gone through a lot of hard stuff this past year. I was reading my devotional "Streams in the Desert" this morning. It is from Feb 19 :
Every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ( John 15:2 )
A child of God was once overwhelmed by the number of afflictions that seemed to target her. As she walked past a vineyard during the rich glow of autumn, she noticed its untrimmed appearance and the abundance of leaves still on the vines. The ground had been overtaken by a tangle of weeds and grass, and the entire place appeared totally unkempt. While she pondered the sight, the heavenly Gardener whispered such a precious message to her that she could not help but share it.
The message was this: "My dear child, are you questioning the number of trials in your life? Remember the vineyard and learn from it. The gardener stops pruning and trimming the vine or weeding the soil only when he expects nothing more from the vine during that season. He leaves it alone, because it's fruitfulness is gone and further effort now would yield no profit. In the same way, freedom from suffering leads to uselessness. Do you now want me to stop pruning your life? Shall I leave you alone?
Then her comforted heart cried, " No!"
God bless you. Isa.35:

Sarah said...

I am so sorry for this heartbreak. I went through this in a similar way in our adoption journey 14 years ago. As I read what you wrote, I could feel all the emotions flooding back. Later, we were able to adopt our son. He is now 13 and the joy of my life! I pray that your story isn't finished....God has begun a great work in YOU and Jason....and HE isn't finished yet. :) You are in my prayers.

The Graham Family said...

Oh Katie! Your heart is so full of love -- you guys would make wonderful parents for many many little girls out there. I have a feeling your story isn't finished yet. Hang on tight and see where God leads next... hugs....

Melanie Mueller said...

Katie~ I am so sorry for this heartbreak! I can only imagine how you must feel. I am glad you shared this with us. You are a person I greatly admire not only because you are a great wife and mother but because you are a Godly woman who is real and shares how God is working in her life. Thank you for that! I will keep you and Jason in my prayers. Nope-not tired of praying for you sweet friend!!!

Ashleigh said...

Katie - We never get tired of praying for you! Praying for peace that passes all understanding for you and your family. Be encouraged that you were such a blessing to me so many years ago when you led a pledge class bible study group I was a part of, and now through reading your blog! You radiate hope and joy, even through unimaginable heartache. It is an honor to pray for your family!

Elizabeth said...

Dear Katie, I have been reading your blog and praying for your family for many years. My heart broke for you as I read each and everyone of your posts after Reese went to be with the Lord. I am now walking this journey with my dearest of friends who just lost her husband and her 16 year old son in a car accident. The devastation of this lose is more then she can bear on some days. She often questions God as to why He took both of them and what was the purpose behind them both going home so soon. She clings to God with everything she has and I know that God will use her testimony for His glory one day. Her passion for Christ has only grown stronger and stronger since the accident and every single day the Lord meets her exactly when she needs it. I will pray that God meets you at the moments you need it the most as well. I know that there are many things we just don't understand about this world, that one day when we meet our Savior face to face, I am sure we will see the purpose of our lives here on earth. Until then cling to Him and know that you have a lot of precious brothers and sisters in Christ lifting you up in prayer. I pray that brings you a tiny bit of comfort as you morn the lose of this sweet girl in your life. God Bless you !!!! Elizabeth

Marty said...

I was so sorry to read of your failed adoption. :( I don't know you, and I have not been through anything like this. I can only imagine your emotions. I think it's okay to question why, I really do. God is big enough to handle it. Sometimes the answers will become clear later on in life, but there are just some things we will never know this side of Heaven. And I believe that sometimes God allows things in our lives that don't really have as much to do with us and our circumstances...as they do with God using us to show His glory to others. Just like you've done here in your blog. You shared your heart, your disappointment, your struggle...and yet you are still praising Him, and acknowledging Him as the Source of your strength and peace and comfort. You just never know how many lives this particular post may have touched. Praying for you, Katie.

Brandi said...

Oh, I'm sooo sorry to hear this. I can't imagine your heartache!!!! Praying for you guys!!!!!!

Marian said...

So very sorry, Katie! I was unaware that this has happened to your sweet family! Will pray that God will draw you near and reveal His next step for your family. I know Trisha and Cam's hearts are broken as well as your parents. We don't always understand God's ways, but I know you trust His ways and plan for your family. Much love, Marian

Thomas and Jamie said...

Katie - I've just read this blog. As we speak, my husband and I are waiting on a phone call on our very own specific adoption. In fact, we had this little girl last year through an emergency placement through CPS and when she started to get too close to us, her Mom sabotaged the whole thing and the little girl went to another home. Now, here we are, almost a year from the last night she slept in our house and we've jumped through all of the hoops. We're waiting and praying and hoping that CPS will do its job and have some common sense! Praying for peace for you!

sarahlee880 said...

Life is one big road with lots of signs. So when you riding through the ruts, don't complicate your mind. Flee from hate, mischief and jealousy. Don't bury your thoughts, put your vision to reality. Wake Up and Live! See the link below for more info.


#wake
www.inspgift.com

Eleanor said...

Hi Katie! A friend posted this link on her facebook page tonight and my heart and thoughts immediately went to you and your post from a couple of weeks ago, so I thought that I'd share the link. I really can't find the right words to say, except that He has a plan. :)

http://conservativepost.com/lizzs-emotional-story/

MLP said...

Katie, I am so sorry. My sister and her family seems to have heart break after heart break in their lives and it kills me. It's so hard to grasp!!!! Soooo blessed yet soooo difficult, too. I'm sorry. All I can think of is that day when each of us reaches Heaven and first and foremost you are greeted by your beautiful girl but also that moment when we say "AHA!!!!! This is why. This is perfectly why, God! We get it!!!! And we thank The Lord for it all because we finally understand!" I know it doesn't make your trials easier today but there is comfort there. I know you know that. Holding you close in my prayers.
Mindy

Uhu work said...

Many peoples want to earn money on internet without any investment but there is many online jobs which have many investments. Now you can earn without any investment with Just clicking and Earn daily upto 10 Dollars.
Join this Best opportunity to make money online without any investment or Charges.
HotProClicks.com

Hannah Elisabeth said...

Praying for a baby girl for your family... God is not far away, though sometimes it seems cloudy and like we can't see Him. You can check out Faithful Adoption Consultants on FB if you'd like.

Uhu work said...

Make Money Online Without any work, You can Invest as low as 1$ Dollar to 100$ Dollars and Get Daily profit of 2.50% for 90 Days.
Minimum Withdraw 1 and Instant Payout with PayPal, EgoPay and Perfect Money
Join Now
http://www.hotfxearnings.com/

Uhu work said...

Classified Sites, Pakistani Classified Sites, USA Classifieds, Indian Classifieds, Entertainment Articles, Entertainment News, Entertainment Pictures, Bollywood, Hollywood and Lollywood Pictures and Videos, Entertainment Latest updates, Hot Entertainment News and Pictures Funny Entertainment Pictures, lol Pictures, Funny Pictures and Much More Fun Only on 1 Current Affairs Network
hotcurrentaffairs.com

Uhu work said...

World Latest vehicles, Super Cars, Super Latest Speed Cars, Expensive Cars, Latest Mazda Models, Racing Cars, International Sport Cars, Concept Cars, PS-Pod, Strange Vehicles, Nissan, Royce Corniche, Ford Concept Cars, Strange Vehicles, Mercedes and More Sport Cars and Vehicles with Pictures and Info
WorldLatestVehicles.com

Dinesh gir said...

Latest Automotive Information with Pictures, latest speedy cars, top vehicles
TopAmazingCars.BlogSpot.Com

Dinesh gir said...

Female Celebrties Facebook Covers, Most Popular Fb Covers in the Industry
UniqueFbCovers.Com

Dinesh gir said...

Home Based Business Join Now without any Work
Earn 400% within a Month
Payout within 24 Hours with Perfect Money, OkPay and EgoPay
Join Now
Dollar-Inv.co

Dinesh gir said...

Best Investment Plan with PayPal PayPal PayPal
Payout within 24 Hours with Perfect Money, PayPal, OkPay and EgoPay
Join Now
AllTimeProfit.com

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved