Monday, April 18, 2011

Family Weekend

We had a fun laid back weekend. The best kind!

Of course we went to Sam's. ; )
Oh, and another thing about Zach's "holey" jeans...he did have a nice church pair until he got holes in them AT church! Ha. I give up.

Zach ate all sorts of food at the "tasty" stands, and Colson was as happy as he could be with his bottle. It was great!

Our cuties before church

They look so big,

so sweet,

and so brotherly. ; )
I haven't talked about Reese much in the past few months here, but she is always in the front of my mind and emotions. I can't tell you how much it means to me when you acknowledge her in some way. So many of you do it effortlessly. Just as it should be.
In some ways I feel like the magnitude of what we have been through is sinking in deeper still. Maybe it always will. Grief is the craziest thing, and I will never even begin to explain it.
Lately I've been in situations where people have said things about us having two children, and I'm completely caught off guard. I fully know no one means to be hurtful, but it's like putting a knife in my heart.
Our daughter grew, moved, breathed, and lived inside of me for nine months. I've been through three full pregnancies. I knew Reese like no one else.
So many of my feelings haven't changed, and I cry out to the LORD often about it. Thankfully He never gets tired of listening. I'm just in a more quiet season concerning her life, and I'm comfortable with this too.
It's difficult for even me to understand how with all the laughter and silliness in our family my heart still so deeply aches. I want with everything in me hair bows and pink and ruffles and tutus in our home. My eyes are wide open to what I do have, but they are also wide open to what I'm missing.
Last night as I was looking at a picture of us with Reese I asked the Lord, "How is this ok?" I immediately felt in my heart His answer. "It's not. And it won't be until we are all together in Heaven."
Thank you, Lord, that You are real. Thank you for accepting every part of me. Every emotion. I'm homesick for Heaven and when we will be a complete family of five.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tested in every way as we are, yet without sin.
Hebrews 4:15

30 comments:

Karen said...

You are amazing, Katie. I love your honesty, faith, love, and kindness. Thank you for sharing yourself with the blog world... :)

Hillary said...

Oh Lord Katie,
Now you have me crying this afternoon! I like to think that there is a super special place in Heaven for our kiddos and right now Reece and Caroline are just waiting for us (and maybe playing together!) to get there to be with them.
Its just floors me sometimes how the feels and emotions from the past can rise up and feel so fresh sometimes.
You and your sweet family are always in my prayers!

Lots of Love! xoxox

Clementsville: Population of 4! said...

Oh sweet Katie, this post was wonderful. Sweet Reese is looking down on you, enjoying watching her brothers be together and just be silly boys! Such raw emotions, I wish I had the words for you but you are doing a amazing job! Keep up the good work and enjoy raising those sweet boys!

P.S. both of my boys have "holey" jeans and pants... I think it's just a boy thing :)

Kelley said...

You know I love your light, cheerful days, but I love your heavy days too. You are amazing. I love hearing how you speak to Him and how He speaks back. It's not ok. And He knows that. How blessed we are, in this broken and messed up place, to have such a High Priest, who knows us and sympathizes with us and feels for us and somehow carries us through and onward. Love you and as always, praying for you ~ K

Melissa said...

What a perfect way to put it Katie...homesick for Heaven and for our precious little girls. I needed this today, thank you!!!!!

Ann said...

Thank you for writing, Katie. I see Jesus in you.

My grandmother, my very first Christian hero, lost a little boy at two. Though she raised up four others, she always told stories about James Olin and always missed him. We all loved him, unseen, because she did. She believed in the reunion, too, like you do.

I'm praying for you still.

much love,
Ms. B.

Nicole Rodriguez said...

You just know exactly how to say what you're feeling in such a beautiful way. I know the sting of only your earthly children being acknowledged. I know exactly your feeling when you say you knew Reese like no other - those words ressonate with me so deep. I tell people the same thing about Alex. For having never met in person, I love having you as my friend. I'm always praying for your heart.

CrysHouse said...

I used your words on my blog today...but I linked back to you. I hope that's ok.

http://alifeinordinary.blogspot.com/2011/04/broken-records.html

Dana said...

You are such a genuine and loving person! Thank you for sharing your life with all of us! We are so blessed to get to know you on your blog! After reading the book heaven is for real I find myself daydreaming about heaven and being homesick for it as well. In the book the little boy tells his dad that Jesus loves kids over and over again and I find myself thinking and saying that often now too! I can just see Reese running and jumping into Jesus' arms and smiling so big!!! I know my words can never make you feel better but I just want to let you know that I am sending you TONS of love and prayers! I know God has you in His arms too!! Love you sweet girl!!!!!!

Mommarazzi said...

Grief is a crazy thing. I grieve for the loss of long-term normalcy....but I love what you said about your eyes being open to what you do have, but also what you are missing. Profound way to put that very tough emotion.

Linds said...

I've thought often of you and your family this week as we begin preparations to celebrate Easter. I love that song on the radio that asks "oh, death, where is your sting?" and am so joyous in the hope of you being able to see Reese again. What a comfort it is to know that Jesus has overcome the grave and that this is not our home. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary said...

I can just see Reese playing in heaven with her angel wings, wearing a tutu and a big pretty hair bow!! I'm sure the angels tell her all about her beautiful family and how much they love her!!

The Anglin Family said...

You have three children. For always..God chose you to be Reese's parents and I have realized some people think they will hurt you when they mention your child in heaven when all you really want is them to talk about her. You are still on my mind often and my prayers. Every day, I pray for all the parents who had to say goodbye to their babies too soon. I know I hold on tight to Ryan's dress she wore after birth and look at pictures and just want the world to know how much I miss my daughter..
Hugs and prayers!!!

Angie said...

Girl, I totally feel you. After having Kallen and writing about how wonderful she is and how happy we are - I sometimes stop and think the same thing - how can I ache so much? And the millions of people asking if this is our first baby, how many kids etc. It still catches me off guard and my response is always delayed.

You are right though, He never gets tired of hearing our cries and He hurts with us. And we will be with our sweet girls again one day, and it will be beyond words.

This verse has brought me great comfort over the past 2+ years - "The Lord will hear your crying, and he will comfort you" Isaiah 30:19

Praying for you sweet friend!

Miranda said...

You are such a strong person and I admire you deeply. You're such a good mom to your boys and you are also a good mom to Reese. I'm glad that you guys had a good weekend! I wish I could go shopping at SAMS - always so fun! :-)

Have a WONDERFUL week girly!

Tiff said...

Gosh Katie.. I admire you so much! You are so amazing! And I am crying now!

Grief is so hard to understand and even harder to explain. I pray for y'all often, and tonight I will say an extra one.

When I was little, I used to call the samples "try tasters" who knows where I made that up, but I still call them that and BTB laughs at me! :)

Z looks so rock n roll with his holey jeans!

Kelly said...

I know exactly what you mean when people ask how many children you have. I know my blessing in Heaven would be so sad if I ever claimed only two. Let those heart-twinge moments remind you of joy to come. Thanks for reminding me of mine this morning. =)

Lauren said...

Katie, I just love your heart and your precious family!!!!!

C R said...

Okay, so this "holes in the jeans" thing is exhausting to me. My son is six and exceptionally skinny and tall for his age. I can only find jeans that fit him well at GAP--original fit. They are not cheap! He wears a new pair for just a little while before they have holes in the knees. Ugh. I'm so glad shorts season is here (we are down to two or three pairs of jeans for 5 days of school and Sunday). Maybe I can save enough money over the summer to buy enough jeans to last next school year. I think I'm goint to buy at least 10 pairs right off the bat.

Becky said...

Ah Katie! It makes sense for you to miss Reese the most - you were the one who knew her most intimately. I realize that about the loss my daughter had. We never got to hold this person that the Lord was weaving, and often when I drive by the little area outside of their home that they have made in honor of that lost baby, I think of the life that is missing. I find comfort in the fact that this child didn't have to choose between eternal death and eternal life, God chose that for them. I know where that child is and someday, I will meet them for the very first time.

Thank you for the fact that although you sorrow, and are open about that, you have never forsaken the One who gave you those moments with Reese before she went to Him.

Angie said...

Katie I have been reading you for awhile now..i love your <3!!! You have such a sweet way of writing things, and you love all your children just like I do! Have a good day!!:)))

http://arobinsonphotography.blogspot.com

m&msmommy said...

What a beautiful post! I can't imagine your pain and the seasons of grief you go through. Reese is such a huge part of your family and always will be. I love the part where you said He spoke to your heart and said, "It's not okay..." because that is absolutely the truth. I just know it! :)

Continuing to pray for your heart and your family! :)

Meg said...

I honestly believe some people just don't think. I was discussing the manner that my FIL took his own life in therapy the other day and the therapist literally reinacted it. I still haven't fully digested it. The only thing I can think is maybe he was trying to fully grasp it. But it seemed so raw and hurtful.

So sorry you have to go through things like that.. I know you live with that pain daily whether or not you write about it on your blog.

Maryellen said...

Katie: That was a beautiful post.
I love your words about Reese.

It's wonderful that one day it will all be right !

Thank you for the reminder and encouragement.

Blessings

Mer said...

You thirsty??? Sweet post sis..I know you miss her so much. Love you! mer

The Ramblings of a Thirtysomething Wife said...

Thank you for being so open and honest about the good, and the bad, in your life. Though I don't know you personally, I know you are an amazing woman, mother, wife and friend.

Rebekah said...

My heart just aches for you. I know you miss sweet Reese. It is so beautiful how the Lord always meets you right where you are and meets your needs.

Rebekah said...

BTW-ya'll drink a lot of bottled water;)

Gottjoy! said...

Katie,
I have not forgotten you are a mother of three. As I know many others remember. As I approach my due date, I feel like in so many ways grief and joy are intertwined.

Thank you for sharing your heart.

And whoa about that Sam's trip. You may have to graduate to one of those flat bottom carts. Then it would be hard to contain the boys, though=). Loved these pictures=).

Lifting you up today, Karen

Amanda said...

Katie,

Oh Katie, how you speak exactly what is in my heart. Yes, we are so amazingly blessed to have the children we do have here on Earth but that does not mean that we do not ache for our babies in Heaven. I still find myself asking God how us losing Gavin is okay and how we are supposed to go on sometimes. I guess grief will always creep into even the sweetest and happiest of times. Gavin would have been three just two weeks ago. March and April are always so difficult for me. Know that I am thinking of sweet Reese as well as my Gavin this Easter as we celebrate Jesus overcoming the grave.

Blessings,
Amanda

Forever missing Gavin 4/7-5/3/08

 
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