**I bought the big frames from my last post at War Eagle (a big craft fair in NWA every fall). The booth does not have a website, or I would be happy to pass it on. They are one of my favorite finds. ; )
I love the song "How Deep the Father's Love for Us." This line always stands out to me..."How great the pain of searing loss..."
Some days my heart is so heavy. Other days I'm lighthearted but always aching to have Reese with us. In our arms and in our home. Almost seven months old. Life really does go on.
I hear moms around me talking of their little baby girls, and how I long for this. I am very torn and weary living in this constant battle of missing Reese, caring for Zach (and loving it!), and being joyful over this new little one.
Since Reese went to Heaven, I have been surprised by the countless feelings that accompany grief. Although we've never experienced anything as devastating as losing a baby, I still never expected some of the emotions I have. Some are brutal attacks from Satan, while others bless my heart and soul.
I can be having a good morning and walk by a banner at church for the Father/Daughter date night this month. Thoughts hit me how Jason and Reese will never be able to do things like this. He was so good with her.
Realities like this knock me over like a punch to my head, leaving me feeling resentful and crushed. Defeated. I know this is not from the LORD, but I'm always so thankful He understands my heart and loves me anyway. He carries me through my darkest and happiest moments.
Lately I've been sorting through the fact that I am a mother to three children. Obviously Zach is our son on earth whom we love and adore. He depends on us for his every need (and demand!), and it is our desire to raise him in a family who loves Jesus and honors GOD.
Then we have our sweet Reese. Although she is not here, she is very fluid in our lives and just as real to us as Zach. Reese's life is not something I can nicely put in a box and get her out when I want to sift through things. I would never want to do this anyway! She is our daughter, and I still have to "tend" to her.
Right now tending to her life means many things. It's talking about her. Writing about her. Organizing her pictures in albums. Printing off emails from people telling me how GOD is using Reese in their lives. She lives on through precious people who have changed hearts because of her two short days on this earth.
I also tend to Reese by taking care of myself. Setting boundaries of what I can and cannot handle. Being easy on myself because I am her mother, and the full depth of our loss will never go away. I carried her, felt her grow and move inside me and delivered her.
Something very important to me is leaving her legacy for Zach and her younger brother to know what kind of sister they have.
I want Zach to know (when he is older) if it weren't for him I'm scared to think of how I would be. Without him around, it's easy for my mind to go to a dark place of doubts, questions about Reese, insecurities, hopelessness. A place I do not want to be yet even when I'm there, GOD meets me.
I want Reese's younger brother to know that GOD has a special purpose for him. He would not be here if it weren't for her life. I want him to feel secure in our family because of GOD's plan and perfect love.
Now I have another little boy inside of me. Baby #3. I cannot wait until he arrives! Although I'm in no hurry. ; ) My prayers involve a full term healthy baby boy.
Daily he is growing inside me, taking from me what he needs, moving around at a rapid pace. My body feels him as sometimes I have lots of energy, and other times I'm not sure where my strength went. ; ) I must take care of myself for him and prepare for his arrival.
Half way there. ; )
It's no secret how I dread with everything inside of me going through Reese's closet and putting her things away. I've had offers to help, but I need to do this for me. I hate that to make room for our next little guy I have to put away Reese's things. It's so unfair to him, but I also think it's part of my healing. More despair and joy mixed together. There's just no easy way in healing.
Jason and I know we are so blessed despite what has happened to us. Sometimes it's difficult to look beyond the pain to see what we truly do have. Some days I just don't want to. Thank you GOD that You sit with me as I struggle through tears and thankfulness at the same time.
I feel your prayers so strongly. I do believe this pregnancy and delivery will be different, but I also know where we have been with Reese. We've already let one of our babies go. We realize how fragile life is because we've had to.
We are humbled and thankful for all of our children. My prayer is that I'll be the mom they need me to be. Who GOD wants me to be.
Praise GOD this is not our home. We are on our way there, and no pain or heartache await us. Only celebration. I will spend eternity with Jesus...and do all of my catching up with Reese. ; )
The death of His faithful ones is valuable in the LORD's sight.