Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Three

**I bought the big frames from my last post at War Eagle (a big craft fair in NWA every fall). The booth does not have a website, or I would be happy to pass it on. They are one of my favorite finds. ; )


I love the song "How Deep the Father's Love for Us." This line always stands out to me..."How great the pain of searing loss..."

Some days my heart is so heavy. Other days I'm lighthearted but always aching to have Reese with us. In our arms and in our home. Almost seven months old. Life really does go on.

I hear moms around me talking of their little baby girls, and how I long for this. I am very torn and weary living in this constant battle of missing Reese, caring for Zach (and loving it!), and being joyful over this new little one.

Since Reese went to Heaven, I have been surprised by the countless feelings that accompany grief. Although we've never experienced anything as devastating as losing a baby, I still never expected some of the emotions I have. Some are brutal attacks from Satan, while others bless my heart and soul.

I can be having a good morning and walk by a banner at church for the Father/Daughter date night this month. Thoughts hit me how Jason and Reese will never be able to do things like this. He was so good with her.

Realities like this knock me over like a punch to my head, leaving me feeling resentful and crushed. Defeated. I know this is not from the LORD, but I'm always so thankful He understands my heart and loves me anyway. He carries me through my darkest and happiest moments.
Lately I've been sorting through the fact that I am a mother to three children. Obviously Zach is our son on earth whom we love and adore. He depends on us for his every need (and demand!), and it is our desire to raise him in a family who loves Jesus and honors GOD.

Then we have our sweet Reese. Although she is not here, she is very fluid in our lives and just as real to us as Zach. Reese's life is not something I can nicely put in a box and get her out when I want to sift through things. I would never want to do this anyway! She is our daughter, and I still have to "tend" to her.

Right now tending to her life means many things. It's talking about her. Writing about her. Organizing her pictures in albums. Printing off emails from people telling me how GOD is using Reese in their lives. She lives on through precious people who have changed hearts because of her two short days on this earth.

I also tend to Reese by taking care of myself. Setting boundaries of what I can and cannot handle. Being easy on myself because I am her mother, and the full depth of our loss will never go away. I carried her, felt her grow and move inside me and delivered her.

Something very important to me is leaving her legacy for Zach and her younger brother to know what kind of sister they have.

I want Zach to know (when he is older) if it weren't for him I'm scared to think of how I would be. Without him around, it's easy for my mind to go to a dark place of doubts, questions about Reese, insecurities, hopelessness. A place I do not want to be yet even when I'm there, GOD meets me.

I want Reese's younger brother to know that GOD has a special purpose for him. He would not be here if it weren't for her life. I want him to feel secure in our family because of GOD's plan and perfect love.
Now I have another little boy inside of me. Baby #3. I cannot wait until he arrives! Although I'm in no hurry. ; ) My prayers involve a full term healthy baby boy.

Daily he is growing inside me, taking from me what he needs, moving around at a rapid pace. My body feels him as sometimes I have lots of energy, and other times I'm not sure where my strength went. ; ) I must take care of myself for him and prepare for his arrival.

Half way there. ; )

It's no secret how I dread with everything inside of me going through Reese's closet and putting her things away. I've had offers to help, but I need to do this for me. I hate that to make room for our next little guy I have to put away Reese's things. It's so unfair to him, but I also think it's part of my healing. More despair and joy mixed together. There's just no easy way in healing.

Jason and I know we are so blessed despite what has happened to us. Sometimes it's difficult to look beyond the pain to see what we truly do have. Some days I just don't want to. Thank you GOD that You sit with me as I struggle through tears and thankfulness at the same time.

I feel your prayers so strongly. I do believe this pregnancy and delivery will be different, but I also know where we have been with Reese. We've already let one of our babies go. We realize how fragile life is because we've had to.

We are humbled and thankful for all of our children. My prayer is that I'll be the mom they need me to be. Who GOD wants me to be.

Praise GOD this is not our home. We are on our way there, and no pain or heartache await us. Only celebration. I will spend eternity with Jesus...and do all of my catching up with Reese. ; )


The death of His faithful ones is valuable in the LORD's sight.

Psalm 116:15

49 comments:

Devon said...

this is so beautiful...you love reese SO well. so well. and its obvious in your every word.

i say daily that my oldest daugther "saved" me....few people understand that.

and like you (although opposite) i had boys in between my two girls so i understand your hurt of not raising a little girl...for me, i will never raise my little boys. its a hard part of our grief...

thank you for sharing your heart and your life.

Linds said...

thank you for being so honest. Watching how God's grace and redemption cover your family is so amazing and inspiring. We are praying for you guys....

Kubin's said...

What an amazing woman you are. To go through what no parent should have to go through and still have a strong faith. I pray to be more like you. You are so loving and a Godly woman. I continue to pray for you and your family. You cross my mind a lot. What a blessing you and Reese are to so many of us.

Jenn said...

I needed this. We all have our struggles and it's hard to contain some of the emotions...but I'm so glad we have a God that understands that!

Michelle Allen said...

Thak you for being so honest and about your feelings and loss.I pray for you and your family everytime I read your blog that God will continue to give you strength and for your little one that is coming soon. Your faith is encouraging! Beautiful post!

M.O.T.B said...

Keep posting what God leads you to post. You are touching people, helping people, witnessing...You are such a child of God!

nault's nook said...

Oh sweet friend, thank you for this post. I too as so thankful for a God who sees our thankful hearts despite the grieving tears we may also shed. God will always meet you. I know this time is hard as you prepare for your newest little one but know He is always carrying you!

Rachelle H said...

Oh Katie--all I can say is that I hear and understand everything you are saying (even if I didn't experience your situation exactly). Since I lost my first I always felt like I was a mom even though I didn't have children on earth. People would always ask if we had children or why we were waiting so long which always made for awkward answers. It is sad when you put all of those baby things away, but when you bring your baby boy home, for me, there was something so special about bringing some things out again with the new gift that God had given me--in some ways I felt His love that much greater because of the reality that He had restored what was lost. Until that time, grieving with hope became a norm for me! It's such a confusing time for your emotions--joy and sadness all at the same time, not to mention hormones. . .You have honored God with your faith and trust in Him and sharing with the world how He ministers to you, and for that I truly believe He will bless you.

Summer said...

Wow Katie,
I am in tears and almost speechless as I write this comment! That is the most beautiful post I have ever read! You are an amazing mommy to Zach, to Reese and to your new little one to arrive in the Summer! I can't imagine how hard and bittersweet it will be for you to put away Reese's things to make room for baby #3! BTW do you have a name picked yet! Know that I will be praying for you and if you ever need someone to just listen e-mail me sweet friend!

OH my goodness pregnancy suits you my friend! You are a very BEAUTIFUL pregnant woman....me um well I was BIG all over LOL....

What's Z's thoughts on having a big brother?? Betcha your gonna have your hands full and I bet he can't wait to show him how to get into the Q-Tips LOL :0)

xoxo
Summer :0)

~Mrs. Guru~ said...

Awe, you are a beautiful pregnant woman!

Casi said...

Wow. Just wow.

Katie, you bless and encourage me every single time I read your blog. Though I cannot know the depth of your pain, I can tell you that I am a better person because of Reese. And because of you.

Your faith challenges me. Your strength amazes me. Your honesty inspires me.

I pray this pregnancy and delivery will be redemptive. And that you will feel Reese smiling down at you as she waits for the glorious reunion that will take place at the appointed time.

Thank you for being honest and candid. And fun!

Lara said...

Something that may help with the grief of putting Reese's things away is to maybe give some of her cute PJ's and blankies to a quilter and have a quilt made. My cousin lost her 4 year old 5 years ago and just this Sunday at church someone had made her a quilt of her girl's jammies. She had tears streaming down her face because it touched her so deeply.

you look beautiful and I will keep you in my prayers. When I saw Reese's little feet, I think I got a fragment of a glimpse of your pain.

Giggles said...

Your post is so much of what I have gone through with the loss of our son two years ago and what I will be going through at the loss of my Mom last week. Thank you for putting into words what many of us feel but cannot express as beautifully as you did.

Sara said...

This was such a sweet post. Just know as I have written to you before, Reese helped me look at things differently with my parenting in various ways. Your strength has also proven to be a inspiration to me.

Reese is so beautiful and you are doing such a wonderful job parenting her. She must be thinking what an amazing family I have!

Thanks again for always sharing the most honest feelings with us.

The Blue Sparrow said...

I know what you mean, I can be having a fair day and see some totally random thing and have the wind knocked out of me. I guess thats just the roller coaster of grief for you. I love the jeans your wearing in your photo! Are they maternity? They're adorable!

Cari said...

Katie -- I love your transparency!! You minister to me each time I read your blog. Reese is a blessed little girl to be born into such a loving family. I have not doubt that Zach and her younger brother will be extremely proud to have such a beautiful sister and extremely proud of the way she has ministered to so many around the world. Thank you for sharing your heart.

Brittany said...

Wow! Beautiful words from a beautiful mommy about her beautiful daughter!

Mizell Family said...

Katie - I look forward to reading your blog each & everytime you post. You are truly an inspiration to me... Your Faith is beyond my imagination!! I wanted to let you know that by sharing your story & feelings it helps me.. You're so honest & I thank you for that!! When I am missing Weslee I have to remind myself of where she is & who she's with.. that melts my heart!! Thank you for being you - xoxoxo

Bec74 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Bec74 said...

Sweet Katie...amazing how a perfect stranger can touch my life in such a sweet way. How I was so happy and excited when you announced via your blog the Zach & Reese would have a new sibling. I was so happy to hear you have a healthy baby boy on the way( look forward to hearing what his name will be)..Life sometimes is so hard and there are just NO answers. Thank you for sharing your journey with us.

God Bless..

Ps..your growing belly is so stinking cute!!!

Tracychele @ The Week-Ender said...

Hello, Sweet Katie. That was a truly beautiful post. You look so gorgeous. You are certainly glowing. I can not imaging how hard things must be, like the nursery, but I believe you are doing a wonderful job keeping Reese with you in your heart and your home. She is part of the family and always will be. Keep your sweet head up and take care of you, whether that means crying or smiling. One day at a time!

Elizabeth said...

Thank you for sharing so deeply. Praying for you!! Love from Indy.

Fabiola said...

I have tears streaming down my face. I don't feel I have the right to compare what I've been through with what you've been through.
But I still can't open the closet's door where I have all the baby things that I won and I bought for my baby girl. It still hurts so much.
Every time I feel angry, you are always the first person to come to my mind. You have been such a HUGE inspiration to me!!

Thank you!!!!

The Niemeyer Nest said...

You are so inspirational! I am so glad you have Zach because without him you would have been challenged in so many other ways. He encourages you to keep on keeping on when really you must just want to go to get in bed! BUT, I think Zach makes it harder too because you knew how much you loved Zach. Mothers who are pregnant with their first just don't get it until that precious baby arrives. I am praying for you and thinking of you! You are such a wonderful mother to your 3 children - they are so lucky to have you. Blessings to your family.

Mary said...

I'm pretty sure even halfway to welcoming #3 you're way smaller than I am.

It's beautiful what God is doing in your life even though the pain is, as you mentioned, searing. I'm hoping the comfort and love outweighs the pain today.

Kaz and Amy said...

You are such a blessing and inspiration to me! I'm so encouraged every time I read you post! These pictures are so sweet! Praying for you

amy[www.theprikazskys.com]

The Templeton's said...

I have followed your blog for some time now and it never ceases to amaze me how your words fill these pages with so much strength and grace even when you don't feel like you have any left. You are inspiring, beautiful and blessed.

Rikki said...

Once again, what a beautiful post. Honest, raw emotions speak so well to others. You deliver right to the heart of what others are needing to hear and all the while, it is exactly what you are feeling. This is a ministry....through Reese...her legacy will live on. She has a precious mommy. Her brothers are blessed as is she. Katie, thank you for sharing your heart always.

Shady Lady! said...

praying for you. sad for what you have gone through & are going through. it really is heartbreaking, but your faith is so strong.

you are looking cute & pregnant now!

Beth Priest said...

Precious Katie...I love that song too! Thanks for sharing your walk thru such a tragic time. Press on! You mentioned the line about how great the pain of searing loss and I hope that can bring you comfort knowing that Jesus knows the pain of loss and he willingly, yes WILLINGLY chose to go thru the pain of losing His Father and having Him turn His face away for You! I was reading in Darby's bible to her tonight and it was a story of Jesus' death on the cross and they mocked Him and said if you are the Son of God then take yourself down from that cross (children's bible edition) and because He is the Son of God he could have but He chose to experience the death (went to hell for 3 days!) so that we don't have too. I say all this to encourage you that you are SO LOVED! and also to encourage you that you aren't alone, Jesus more than anyone knows your sufferings! I don't mean to preach but if Satan is going to fill you with doubt at times then by golly I am going to feed you with truth ; ). I am praying and love to see you running and walking with Jesus thru it all, it encourages me so much!

sloandefyinggravity said...

Seriously, I'm going through a "song phase" where I could (and do) listen to "How Deep" over and over. Some days I think I probably listen to it 10 times. My favorite line is "His dying breath has brought me life. I know that it is finished." I can't wait to have it sung at my wedding... some day!

Alex and Jill said...

I love the picture of her little wrinkled hand.

Beautiful post...as always. :)

Slumber Designs said...

Congrats on Baby #3! You have a beautiful family and this baby is going to be so loved. Take care of yourself during this pregnacy and enjoy the journey.

Tristan said...

Seeing pictures of Reese make my day so much brighter!

I pray for you and baby #3 everyday..

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks my last pregnancy and I always called the baby Ella..and just knew it had to be a girl...I never held that baby in my arms but I do believe I love my baby girl now so much deeper than I ever would have..I treasure every minute with her...I will forvever feel that I am the mother of 2 children also.
We planted a weeping cherry willow tree..because it always stays small..in memory of her..so she will never be forgotten..and I can feel like she lives on.

It is so hard to understand God's perfect plan..but I think you are doing a wonderful job,,you are such a strong woman!

Reese could not be loved more than you love her :)

Jess said...

This is such a wonderful, honest post. I relate to everything you said so much. I don't know where I would be without my two precious sons either, and the Lord knows that, and provided our sons as a comfort to us. I, like you am expecting another boy after losing a daughter as well. God is good, and knows exactly what we need. Praying for you as you navigate through all the emotions that come along with pregnancy after such a huge loss! You are an encouragement and inspiration, and God is using you and Reese both so mightily through this blog!

The Whitfields said...

I have been following your blog from Kelly's Korner for a little while now and your posts are always so beautiful and God's amazing GRACE is shown through them! Reese is certainly watching you from Heaven smiling down.

Always praying for your family!

Amanda said...

Katie,

Oh, how my heart aches for you as you have to face the task of packing up Reese's things to make room for your new little man. That task was truly one of the hardest things I had to do after my Gavin passed away. It was 7 months after his death before I go bear to pack up his nursery. I still had wipes in the wipe warmer and all of his diapers and clothes in the drawers. If it is something you want to do yourself, then do. But, do not consider yourself weak if you feel like you need someone by your side to do it. I asked one of my dear friends to come sit with me as I did it because I just needed someone to hold my hand and comfort me as the tears fell that day. Do it just how you need to do it and know that you are doing an amazing job as you continue to grieve and love Reese. It is still a daily struggle for me as I grieve for Gavin and long for him to be with his family. Bless you and your sweet family.

Blessings,
Amanda

Forever missing Gavin 4/7-5/3/08

amy said...

love your post. I just know our Lord Jesus just looks down on you smiling. What an incredible woman of faith and encouragement to so many as you grieve and rejoice at the same time. HE is so good. Praying for you and that sweet baby boy growing inside you.

The Gallup Family said...

Katie, these are beautiful words and obviously from your heart. Thank you for sharing with us the beautiful life of your daughter.

I am so happy for your family as you are expecting another baby boy.

You are inspiring with how you constantly look toward our heavenly father for strength and wisdom. Thank you for using your blog as a ministry to all of us out here that need encouragement and a reminder that we can only find strength through Him.

God bless to you and your family.

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

Katie, your words are so poetic. "Tend" to your Reese, for all your days till you are together again! You are a wonderful little momma, you are glowing with your pregnancy. God loves you indeed, you are a cherished daughter!

Momofgirls said...

Oh Katie...your children are blessed beyond measure to have you as their Mom. praying for you.

Jennifer said...

By God's Grace.
By God's Grace.

What a wonderful picture... your baby bump is beautiful!

~Jennifer
www.studiojru.com

Lynette said...

Wow!! Your faith is amazing. WHat a beautiful post. Praying for a wonderful second half of your pregnancy and from the peace that can only come through Jesus as you prepare for him. God Bless!

amy said...

Beautifully written... I loved everything you wrote in this post! you look great!

Kimberly said...

That last line just melted my heart, Katie.
God will give you everything you need to be a wonderful mommy to all your special babies.
xoxo

Alison said...

I thought of you having to do this and how difficult it must be. We'll all be praying for you. You are so precious inside and out!

Sunny said...

The belly bump picture is so cute.

Shanna said...

Katie you are so pretty! You make such a cute pregnant woman! Still praying for your family!

MyFairLadies said...

Excellent post, Katie -

I love how God is continuing to speak to you and through you!

You are a blessing,
wendy

 
Design by Small Bird Studios | All Rights Reserved