Big Deal

Zach @ four months

Colson @ six weeks

I love this onesie! It's fun to see Colson wearing the same outfits Zach did and compare when they wore them. ; ) There's just a little difference in their ages with this one. Ha!

Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker; for He is our God and we are the people of His pasture, the flock under His care.

Psalm 95:6-7

Weekend

This weekend we did a little of this and that...

Z chillin'

He even helped me iron. Sure. ; )

I was so excited to try out this new monitor. Our other one is fading quickly, and we needed one for both Zach and Coson's rooms. So Jason set everything up and guess what? It's range reached Colson's room but not Zach's. ; ( Back to researching monitors!

A friend sent me this sweet picture of Jesus holding a baby. Isn't it wonderful? I've never seen such a descriptive picture like this of Jesus and a baby. The look on His face tells me so much. It's the face that's carried me through this past year. He knows since He is holding a baby someone on earth is not, and He does not take this lightly. I love that Jesus is cuddling Reese, I just wish I was. One day.

Zach and I went to church this morning while Jason stayed home with Colson. It's still a little too early for us to take him. Zach got RSV when he was six weeks old, so we're a bit paranoid about germs. It won't be long though. ; )

I loved not getting up at all Friday night. Nice. ; ) This will definitely be a tradition every Friday night!

But He gives greater grace...

James 4:6

Brothers

I'm really starting to see Zach and Colson as brothers, not just Zach "being a big boy" and Colson "being a little baby."

I love seeing a bond forming between them.

Makes my day.

I've been looking forward to Friday all week. This afternoon I'm working out and going on a date tonight with Jason. He is also going to give Colson a bottle at his 2 am feeding. I'm so excited! I hope I can sleep. ; ) Colson slept for a 5 1/2 hour stretch last night, so he may sleep all night for Jason. Ha!

Have a great weekend!

But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord, I say, "You are my GOD." My times are in Your hands...

Psalm 31:14-15

My Heart

Colson is six weeks and one day old. ; ) I had high expectations of him sleeping through the night at six weeks, and I talked with him at length about this. I guess he didn't think I was serious. Oh well. ; ) Soon! His longest span of sleep at night is five hours, so it's nice.

I keep thinking how much I love having him in our home. He fills my arms and heart, and I feel closer to Reese in a different way than before he was born.

A few months ago one of my best friends told me about another couple who lost a baby. She thought about it a long time before she told me and said, "Reese's legacy includes your ministry." I love this thought. Anything connected to Reese gives me purpose.

Healing does come, very slowly and just how GOD sees you need it. For us Colson has been a big part of this. Just having another baby is healing in itself because it was what we wanted. Our boys also keep us so busy I don't have much time to "dwell" which is nice at times.

It's sometimes strange for me to see pictures of us as a family with Reese and now with Colson. We are the same but different than we were last year. I carry Reese always in my heart and think of her as I look at our boys together. She is the beauty that surrounds their rowdy natures.

My heart is heavy for those moms and dads who have lost a child. A year later I still cannot believe it happened to us. After Reese passed away it was very healing to talk to other mothers who had lost babies. Whether it had been ten years or ten weeks before, I soaked in their wisdom and advice. Just having heartache as our connection was comforting in it's own way.

Two weeks after Reese went to Heaven, I spoke for hours with two family friends who also have babies in Heaven. They are both a few years older than me, and we now live in different cities. I will always remember their words and truth they poured into my devastated heart.

I know my close friends have felt limited in how they could comfort me this year. Thankfully, they are not limited in their encouragement or prayers.

This is what is on my heart today. If it's healing for you, please do not stop talking about your child in Heaven. For me it's extremely helpful, but others may be more private with their grief. Both are completely fine.

Just for fun and cuteness...

This morning Zach shared his cars with Colson (notice the yellow car by Colson's head). He was so proud of himself, and there are at least two more cars that had fallen down by Colson's neck. This had to be comfortable. Ha!

So sweet. It's progress. ; )

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in Your ledger,
each ache written in Your book.

Psalm 56:8

Fun & Firsts

Lately our days are full of firsts and play dates. I even took both boys to Walmart alone. Big step for me! Zach did say the other day he wanted to go to school, so I guess he has had enough time with his little brother and me. Soon enough. ; )

Norah & Z

Isn't she beautiful? Zach thinks so, too. ; )

Z swimming at our friend Meredith's house. It's fun seeing my friends with more than one kiddo. They seem to juggle it so well. ; )

Guy time with Hudson in the bounce house

Zach and Hudson are one week apart, and Z loves to play in his bounce house!

Laura came to meet Colson this weekend. I loved seeing her! Her little boy Braysen is a cutie.

Me, Colson, Rebekah, Cilla, Laura, & Braysen

Rebekah just moved back to NWA. I loved seeing her and her sweet little girl, too.

Couldn't resist. I know you are smiling right now, too. I love all his little faces. ; )

Happy Monday!

Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.

Proverbs 4:23

Just Talkin'

Colson says "hi!"

Yes, he is lying on a pink blanket. It's Reese's so it's ok. He doesn't carry it around with him or anything. ; )

...put your hope in the LORD. For there is faithful love with the LORD, and with Him is redemption in abundance.

Psalm 130:7

Can You Tell?

It's been fun comparing Zach and Colson's baby pictures. I think they look so much alike as babies! Although Colson does has more hair and chubbier cheeks than Z did when he was born. Jason sees some of Reese in Colson, but I don't at all. She is just her own beauty, I guess. ; )

Zach

Colson

Zach

Colson

Zach

Colson

It will be neat to see how much Colson looks like Z as he grows. He is so chunky he may be bigger than Zach someday! Payback time. ; )

Zach is so much better with his baby brother now. He has definitely turned a corner. Yay! It was a difficult first month with him after Colson was born, but lately he is as sweet as he can be (with of course his usual two year old fits!).

Today he asked me my name. I said, "Mommy." He replied, "Mommy Katie Rowe." What?!

He also says Jason's name is "Babe." I guess I call him this a lot. ; )

I'm so thankful last week is behind us. Thank you for praying us through another big first. We felt very supported and loved.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him.

Psalm 34:8

August 17, 2010

One year ago today I spoke these words at Reese's memorial service. I still believe them.

His promises are true.

...Your servant has found the courage to pray this prayer to You. Lord GOD, You are GOD; Your words are true, and You have promised this grace...

2 Samuel 7:27-28

Reese's Day

Such a perfect day.

I've been thinking about and planning Reese's birthday for months, and Jason and I decided to spend it with our families (since I especially didn't know how I would be). We truly wanted to celebrate Reese on her special day. She also shares a birthday with my mom, so the day was extra sweet.

The days leading up to Reese's birthday were like a shadow cast over my heart. I fought bitterness as I bought flowers for her marker and plants for our families on Tuesday. Part of me wanted to beat the ground with the roses as hard as I could I was so upset. Thankfully feelings like this always pass. The struggle between staying in my pain too long and choosing to look for God's truth.

We gave everyone a plant to remember this day.

Our families went to Reese's garden Wednesday morning, and I placed 100 beautiful tiny white roses in her vase. My dad shared some words from his heart, and we released 100 balloons.

My dad spoke about celebrating our Creator, the child and the chosen. I loved everything he said, but a few words stood out to me.

He said the Creator "loved Reese then (before time began), He was with her during her life on earth and He is with her even as we gather here to celebrate her birthday."

"She came in a hurry, as if she had some place important to go. We knew her all too briefly, but God had known her since the beginning of time. He also knew His plan for her life - a plan we would not have chosen but perhaps some day, we'll begin to understand."

He said such precious things to Zach and Colson they will one day understand. "Colson, you live because Reese went to be with God in Heaven. And while you are special and unique in your own way, your life gives us all hope that through you and through all of us, Reese lives on."

Jason's dad prayed and we released ninety-nine pink, white, and cream balloons, and a red one marking Reese's first birthday. Her red balloon stood out until all of them almost disappeared. It was amazing how far we could see them in the sky.

We spent the rest of the day together. I love our families!

That night it was all about the cakes. ; ) My mom's delicious strawberry cake.

Reese's cake

Her one little candle sure pulls at my heart strings. Zach blew out her candle after we sang "Happy Birthday."

Our parents gave us this garden stone to remind us of everything GOD is. We love it. Thank you!

Mandy and Abby spent all of last week with us. My niece Abby is two months older than Zach, and they love each other so much.

They brought Reese pink roses. Beautiful!

Cute trouble

Cute drama

Family time

Ha!

Sweet day. Sweet families. Sweet girl.

Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth. And the former things will not be remembered or come to mind. The sound of weeping and crying will be heard in it no more. Never again will there be in it, an infant who lives but a few days...

Isaiah 65:17, 19-20

One Year

Our family with Reese one year ago ~

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3he1XXg_dY

We made it.

One full year.

As a friend wrote to me this morning it's "the day that has taken forever to get here, and yet somehow came too fast."

I'm not sure where or who I thought I would be when this day arrived. Better? Stronger? Healed? Still broken? I'm so thankful I do not have to define myself because Jesus knows right where I am.

He knows the crushing feeling I have felt this month as I dreaded Reese's birthday and glory day approaching. He sees me when I am so overwhelmed I cannot breathe. He counts every tear I cry. He feels the depth of pain in my heart that I cannot even express.

He understands the joy I feel as I see Zach and Colson. Our sons. He brings me back to His goodness and faithfulness.

Some of you have walked this road with us for an entire year. A year of countless "firsts" without Reese.

How have we made it to this day, August 13, 2010?

Through countless prayers and tears.

Through Jason holding me and not saying a word.

Through Zach getting me out of bed every morning.

Through my mom calling and asking, "How's your heart today?"

Through my Dad's sensitive words.

Through Mandy's reminders not to rush myself with healing.

Through Meredith's guidance to GOD's truth.

Through Faber's answers to all of my questions about Colson's new life.

Through Shannon's ease in talking about Reese.

Through Bo, Cody, and Andrew's gentle support and presence.

Through watching Jason's parents be there for him (and me). I know where he gets his quiet humble strength.

Through our parents watching Zach when I needed to think and focus on Reese.

Through countless texts or emails from friends saying, "I love you. I miss her, too."

Through other moms who have babies in Heaven rushing to my side.

Through thoughtful gifts given in honor of Reese.

Through a stranger's comforting words.

Through Jesus' love and tenderness throughout the long days and dark nights.

Through new friends, old friends, and friendships deepened.

Through knowing Reese is wonderful and safe in Heaven with the Lord and many other loved ones.

This little guy may have something to do with it, too. ; )

Happy one month, Colson. We're so happy you are here.

Many more things have led us to this day. Hugs, laughter, answers to prayers. I love you in Christ, and thank you for loving us with Jesus's love this year.

Thank you Jesus, for the hope we have in You.

The LORD will work out His plans for my life--for Your faithful love, O LORD, endures forever. Don't abandon me, for You made me.

Psalm 138:8