Enough

A friend sent this little poem to me, and it is too sweet.

Reese,

I thought of you with love today

But that is nothing new

I thought about you yesterday and days

Before that too.

I think of you in silence, I often speak your name

All I have are memories and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake

With which I'll never part

God has you in His keeping

I have you in my heart.

Several friends have told me they don't want to keep asking how I am doing because they don't want to bother me. Don't worry, it does not at all! I will be honest and tell you if you want to know. I'm as real now as I've ever been.

Some days tears are at the surface, other days they are not as close.

It's still difficult for me to grasp that a regular day means going to Reese's Garden, feeding the ducks with Zach, wondering when her gravestone will come in, thinking about the flowers I want to place in her vase.

I should be cleaning spit up off clothes, talking high pitched baby talk, putting endless bows in Reese's hair, reminding Zach to please quit throwing balls at his sister, and dazed for lack of sleep with a newborn.

Mixing in grief throughout the "normalness" of life. Shopping at the grocery store or the mall and facing a stranger who asks me if Z is my only child. As Zach naps each afternoon I wonder what Reese and I would be doing and can almost see her playing in her little bouncer.

I thank GOD for Z, and I love taking care of him. He needs us. We need him. He does not bring Reese back, but he does soften our pain. What joy he brings us. Countless times I have wondered how people go on after losing their first child when the pain of losing our second child seems unbearable. I know GOD has a different path for all of us, and He has chosen to show us His grace and mercy through Zach.

At the same time I wonder what all I have missed in my friends' lives since Reese was born. I know they don't want to "burden" me with their issues. Everyone has been unbelievably loving, supportive, and understanding. Just what I need as we heal.

I also miss the silly regular things of life, but at the same time what used to be important to me is not anymore. I long for the day when my heart is light and memories of Reese are much more sweet than heartbreaking.

I am so glad there is more than this life. Often I think, "Jason and I have had ENOUGH." At those times GOD always shows me He is Enough.

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.

2 Corinthians 4:8-10

Play Play Play

If you are interested in making your own Blessing Ring, I thought it may be helpful to tell you I found the ring at Hobby Lobby. There are gold and silver ones in the jewelry section.

When I was a little girl my Dad would joke with me about school saying, "All you do is play play play." It was true, but I always denied it. ; ) I am reminded of this as I watch Zach play every day.

Zach & his friend Madison

Aren't their smiles great?

A calm moment

Zach is actually trying to "scooch" Madison off the trampoline. That's a boy for ya.

A little drawing by Zach at MDO ~ I thought it was precious!

Oh, the simple life. If only I could go back to those sweet days. ; )

Thank you for sharing with me how Reese has made you appreciate your children more, love on them more, squeezing in all the time you have with them each day. I can't ask you enough to please treasure all the little (and big) moments you have with your babies because I cannot. Do it for me.

Hearing how your hearts have been effected by Reese's life gives me such joy and allows her sweet presence to live on.

You are my hiding place; You will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance.

Psalm 32:7

Little Get Away

A few of you asked where you could find the name frames. The website is http://www.emilyschocolateblue.blogspot.com. ; )

A few weeks ago Jason cooked up a trip to Vegas. We love to travel, so I didn't hesitate to say "yes!" We're crazy, I know. Our friends Clint and Ashley went with us. They are wonderful and so comfortable to be around. They knew this wasn't going to be a "haha funny" trip, but more of a "laid back let's get away" trip.

It was much harder than I thought it would be. I missed Z a lot. Safety and security for me right now comes in the familiar things of life, but it was a nice change of pace seeing the sights and taking it in all the grand buildings. Don't worry, all the card playing we did was a game of hearts in our hotel room. ; )

We rode some crazy rides at the top of a building. This one is Big Shot and shot us straight up in the air. I just shut my eyes and hoped for the best.

I'm really not a thrill seeker like Jason, but I loved these swings (over nothing).

One night we went to see Cirque de Soliel at the Bellagio. Very entertaining!

The dolphin exhibit at the Mirage

My handsome hubby and me

Meanwhile, Zach had a wonderful time with his Uncle Andy.

Don't worry, Jason's parents also helped take care of Z. ; )

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express.

Romans 8:26

Home

We're back! Jason and I took a little trip with some friends for a few days. The internet access was limited, so now I’m trying to catch up a bit. ; )

We had a wonderful time. I felt completely comfortable and didn’t have to put on a brave face when I was upset or just wanted to be quiet. I missed Z like crazy! I’ll post some pics this weekend.

My heart is so full. This week I realized more than ever that Jason and I are walking “Hurts.” I know many people are. I am grateful to have friends who are walking hurt with us.

I feel “light” at times just to go to a deep anguish no human should have to feel. I know good is coming from Reese’s life. I hold onto that. I am incredibly blessed by those who share with me how she has influenced and changed you. My mind never imagined Reese’s influence to go beyond my family and close friends, and it’s up to GOD however He decides to use her precious life. I know she has forever changed me.

Reese has been in Heaven for six weeks. I’ve said this before, but thank you for choosing to be with us. You do not have to read my words, but you do. Putting a piece of my heart on our blog hopefully helps our friends and family know where we are and how to pray for us.

When I cannot pray, I know and feel someone praying.

When I am crying, I know someone is crying with me.

When I need encouragement, I receive a card in the mail, an email, a text, or a phone call.

When I feel weak, someone is praying for my strength (which must be constantly!).

When I need to see GOD’s hand, I receive flowers, a book, a gift from both friends and strangers just because GOD placed us on their heart.

When Satan threatens a disagreement between Jason and me, someone is praying for us to be one and to stand together through our pain.

When I just want Reese with us, I know her life has already and still is fulfilling GOD’s perfect purpose.

My family. My friends. You are making an eternal difference in our lives. Anything I say that sounds strong is not me. On some days I feel almost back to the old Katie. Other days I feel like the pain is greater than it was six weeks ago. I do have my close-to-brave moments, but I am one weak and tired in a heartsick-kind-of-way Mama.

I received this in the mail while we were away. Isn't it wonderful!? It has Reese's birthday, weight, length, her full name, and a verse printed on it. The amazing thing about this is I had one made for Zach and was still going to have one made for Reese. I knew this would be hard, but I want to do one for all of my children. The friend who sent this to me did not know I was going to have one made for Reese.

GOD continues to be faithful during my darkest days. When I can't see Him or feel Him. He is still working.

I am comforted by this truth, that when we suffer and die for Christ, it only means that we will begin living with Him in Heaven. Even when we are too weak to have any faith left, He remains faithful to us and will help us, for He cannot disown us who are part of Himself, and He will always carry out His promises to us."

2 Timothy 2:11, 13

Blessing Ring

I have been working on a blessing ring to display all of Reese's cards. I was going to make one for her anyway, then after she passed away and the cards started coming I knew I still had to make one. ; ) It's a visible reminder to Jason and me how many people love us and are praying for us. It's hanging in our bedroom so I see it every day.

I first saw one several years ago in a store and figured I could easily make it. Buy a ring, add some ribbon, hole punch the cards (and I'm not crafty at all so it had to be simple!). Zach also has one in his room. I hope one day when he reads his cards he will know how adored he was before he was even born.

My words fall short sometimes as I try to explain how GOD is using His Word to encourage me. He has been laying on my heart the perfect wisdom that went into making Reese inside my body. Reese was one of GOD’s spectacular creations! Just like you and me. She fulfilled her life’s purpose in just over 48 hours. I am so glad GOD’s words stand as truth and are always enough.

…everyone called by My name and created for my glory. I have formed him; indeed, I have made him.

Isaiah 43:7

…by Him everything was created, in Heaven and on earth…all things were created by Him and for Him.

Colossians 1: 16

Weekend Fun

My Mom and Dad came up this weekend for the big game. Zach was a great entertainer for them as always. ; )

We went to Reese's Garden, and of course had to feed the ducks. By now Z and I know all the little "groups." We know which ducks get along, which ones do not, who hangs out together.

One little group of about seven ducks always run up to us like they have some juicy gossip to share. Then they bustle away after they are full of bread. Hilarious!

Little man & me

My dad is a marathon runner and had to check out the latest five finger shoes at a local running store. The shoe saleswoman called it "natural running."

Fits like a glove...the newest trend in running, I guess. ; )

Go Hogs!

Dad & Mom before the football game

What weekend would be complete without a trip to see the chickens!?

I continue to be blessed and amazed by the words and thoughts you share with me. Thank you for opening your hearts and pouring into me Jesus's love.

Look, I am about to do something new;

even now it is coming. Do you not see it?

Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness,

rivers in the desert.

Isaiah 43:19

Just Breathing

I love the song we chose for Reese's Life Moments video. The words are so powerful and describe me on my hard days. When all it seems I can do is breathe in and breathe out. 

We can cry with hope
We can say goodbye with hope
'Cause we know our goodbye is not the end,
And we can grieve with hope
'Cause we believe with hope

There's a place where we'll see your face again

We wait with hope

And we ache with hope

We hold on with hope

We let go with hope

By day the LORD directs His love, 
       at night His song is with me— 
       a prayer to the God of my life.

Psalm 42:8

Great Promise

For those of you who have walked this path ahead of me, thank you for sharing the ways you remember your babies who are in Heaven. Please feel free to give me more ideas. What do you do to honor them on birthdays and holidays?

I am still in the state of mind where it is strange to want just the right monument or the brightest flowers for Reese's vase. I just want to be a regular mom doing regular mom things.

This week I have been struggling with seeing other people with little baby girls. I think, "Other people have their daughters. I want to have my daughter, too." Thankfully, GOD's presence is never far because of all of the prayers lifted up on our behalf. I am confident of this. 

Whenever those times come, GOD is quick to speak to my heart that Reese just wasn't meant to live on this earth with us longer than two days. Just this one thought fills me with peace that helps me go on. Peace in knowing GOD's will is being done, and that we WILL see Reese again! Just to imagine that moment is overwhelming in an incredible way. In my mind I see Reese taking me to Jesus. How I long for this day.

For some reason GOD chose Jason and me to go through this. It hurts. It stinks. I didn't choose this. I don't like it. I don't understand. But I love my Jesus.

I trust GOD's heart that He will finish

what He started and fill our lives with hope and joy and blessing!

Oh, how I love Jesus.

Two friends shared this verse with me...it's perfect.

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, 

along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;

I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.

These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.

Isaiah 42:16

Z Man

A few very rare pics of my son when he is still and quiet...

Eating chex mix and chillin' with his buds (please notice his socks and get a good laugh for your day!). He has to have them on at ALL times.

Relaxing in his chair

All ready for Bible study this morning

After Bible study Zach and I fed the ducks at Reese's Garden. I think this duck got on his nerves. ; )

Yum!

A friend of mine sent me this verse Sunday morning, and I have claimed it as my "Fall verse." I enjoy doing this for different seasons in my life, and this one is perfect.

What joy for those whose strength comes from the LORD, 

when they walk through the Valley of Weeping,

 it will become a place of refreshing springs. 

The autumn rains will clothe it with blessings,

they will continue to grow stronger!

Psalm 84:5 - 7

More Than Words

Zach had a great time at his second Mother's Day Out today. I know he is the life of the party. ; ) He was so happy all day long which makes for a fun afternoon at home, too. Today I also felt such a mix of emotions because Jason and I picked out Reese's monument. So I was "happy with Zach Mom" and "sad about Reese Mom" at the same time. Crazy. I'm so glad GOD knows me well enough to handle all of my emotions. ; ) How comforting that He knows my heart every moment.

I told Jason that Reese has to have the best looking flowers in the Memorial Gardens. I know it's silly, but still...even though she is not here with us I long to give her the best that I can. Just as I would if she were alive. 

Whom have I in Heaven but You? 

And earth has nothing I desire besides You.

My flesh and my heart may fail, 

       but God is the strength of my heart 

       and my portion forever.

        But as for me, it is good to be near God.

 I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; 

I will tell of all Your deeds.

Psalm 73:25-26, 28

Quiet Beauty

I enjoy sharing pictures of Reese because they are all I'll ever have. It is not a sad thing for me - I am so thankful we have them! This is not always the case with little ones who go to Heaven much sooner than we would like.

Because I will always (LORD willing) be able to show pics of Zach growing up, I like to mix in some soft girly pics with his rough and tumble ways. ; )

Give thanks to the LORD, for He is good...to Him who alone does great wonders, His love endures forever.

Psalm 136:1, 4

I continue to be amazed at your thoughts, prayers, tears, and concern for us. The way people rush to our sides each day is a mighty display of GOD's power. He is expressing His enduring love through each of you! 

Firsts

Today Reese would have been one month old. We have gone through many "firsts" this month without Reese, and I've heard it gets easier. I hope so. We have made it through...

My follow-up appointment at the hospital where Reese was born and where we let her go.

The first time I walked into Reese's nursery. 

The first time I opened Reese's closet. 

Reese's scheduled C section date.

Reese's due date.

The first Sunday back at church.

The first time someone (who didn't know) asked me how everything was going with Reese.

Jason's first day back to work.

My first day alone with Zach.

My first fall Bible study.

My first fall MOPS group.

The first time I was asked, "How many kids do you have?"

The first day I didn't cry (after 25 days straight). I wasn't even trying not to...it just happened. ; )  

Thank you for helping pray me through many of these firsts. Some have been much easier than I expected. Some much more difficult. It's been a month, hasn't it? 

People have been so kind. We can see it in their eyes. Not pity, just sympathy and love. I have never received so many hugs in my life. I'm a cuddler at heart so hugs mean a lot to me. 

I know there are many more firsts to get through. I know with GOD we will get through them. Never would I have thought the first month after Reese was born I would be doing all of these things. GOD's grace is sufficient for each moment I have to live without Reese. Each "first."

The past few days I have caught myself singing in my car and around the house, and I'm also laughing out loud. More "firsts." Nice ones. 

He is before ALL things and in HIM ALL things hold together.

Colossians 1:17

Big Day

Zach started Mother's Day Out today. ; ) 

He was not a happy camper when he woke up.

As Z was eating breakfast, I was thinking several things...

I can really get a lot done when I wake up an hour before he does!

 Why didn't I pack his backpack and get this lunch together last night? 

Will Z take his nap? Sit at a table with other kids while he eats his lunch?

Most importantly...what will I do?

I have only looked forward to this day for months. ; ) It was going to be just us girls ~ Reese and me. My first thought was to come home and cry all morning by myself. BUT I was feeling ok, so I wanted to be productive and get out. I also had plans to meet some friends for lunch (which was perfect and just what I needed!). GOD is so good to always know what we need, isn't He?

Z & me

When I put his backpack on him, he actually fell backwards! It really wasn't that heavy, he is just not used to carrying anything. ; ) 

This afternoon I came home to cheery bouquet of flowers from a friend. The card said, "When I think of Reese I think of bright and beautiful." 

Couldn't have said it better myself. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28, 38 - 39

Country or City Boy?

This weekend was all about Zach. ; ) I love where we live because it's close enough to the "city" but feels like the country. Many of our neighbors have gardens, breed cattle, and raise turkeys or chickens. One neighbor told me recently there used to be a pot bellied pig roaming around. What!? I really hope I do not run into one. What would I do with a pig?

Anyway, we hopped on our four wheeler and went to see all of our neighbors' new baby animals. 

Jason and Z watching the cows eat

Zach says, "Booooo" instead of "Moooo." It's pretty cute.

Please let me explain this picture. A neighbor just received a shipment of 55, 000 baby chickens. Oh, yes. Zach didn't know quite what to think. To him, "duck ducks" were everywhere. ; )

All the little fluffy chics

This little guy was five hours old. A little wobbly on the legs. I was actually more concerned with the mama because she looked like she was about to charge us. I told her we were nice people and not going to hurt her baby. ; ) Then we quickly drove away.

Zach finished off his weekend by swimming and eating goldfish at the pool. Does it get any better than this in his simple world? 

Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the LORD has been good to you.

Psalm 116:7

These Days

My God, my Rock, in Him will I put my faith; my breastplate, and the horn of my salvation, my high tower, and my safe place; my Saviour, who keeps me safe...

2 Samuel 22:3

Thanks for stopping by today. I know it's how many of you check in on me since I'm not really answering my cell yet. ; ) Writing is the best way right now for me to communicate.

This past week since Z and I have been out more, I have been running into people I don't know well but who also knew I was pregnant. Since they haven't seen me lately, they just assume that I have had Reese and everything is going well. They are sweet enough to ask the usual questions someone would ask. No one expects my answer. I knew it would happen, and it's ok. I may put on a brave face as I talk, but trust me, I lose it when I walk away and get into my car. GOD's grace truly covers me.

I love talking about Reese, it just catches me off guard to tell people who do not know we have lost her. She is anything but lost, I know, but that's just how I feel right now. 

I am amazed when receive an email or read a comment about how GOD puts me on your heart as you go about the little tasks throughout your day. As you take care of your newborns or play with your babies. Thank you for responding to Him. Thank you for giving that extra kiss or hug to your child because you know I cannot give Reese that kiss or hug. Thank you for praying for me when I feel like I cannot. Right now it's all those little things...putting bows and headbands in Reese's hair, hearing her newborn noises, getting to know her personality that I miss desperately.

I take such comfort in sitting out on my deck when Z takes a nap each afternoon, listening to the beautiful songs people recommend to me. The Godly words calm my heart and soothe my soul. Even though letting Reese go was the hardest thing we have ever done, I have never felt so close to my Saviour. Never in my life felt Him so near.

This doesn't mean I don't get mad or upset. I will always have questions, but I know GOD wants my honest feelings. He knows them anyway. ; ) He can handle my thoughts and anything I say to Him. My heart can be breaking, yet I can thank Him at the same time for His faithfulness and guidance. Oh, He is so faithful. He is good to bring me back to His comfort, His peace at each aching moment.

I have tried to thank several of you for sharing different stories with me about how GOD is leading you to pray for us, but some of you are hard to find. Maybe you don't want to be found. ; )

I have some adorable pics of Z from our weekend, and I'll share them later this week. Thank you for loving on me and praying us through each day.