It's a Zoo

We took Zach to the zoo this weekend. He loved it! He took everything in in his usual observant way.

Pappy trying to get a lorikeet on his hat

I have no idea why this is underlining. ; ) 

G-Daddy, Z, and Gran

Our little family

Pappy, Z, and Bunny

Jason with Z on the merry-go-round

This week we are back on our own after family and friends being with us for almost three weeks. Everyone has been amazing. I'm anticipating how it will be with the three of us without Reese, but I know GOD is still (and always will be) with us. I pray He fills every room with His presence.

Thank you thank you for your continued prayers, emails, and comments. It amazes and blesses me how you obey GOD's promptings to pray for us and encourage us through what He is telling you. It's always just what we need to hear!

I'm reading and clinging to every word of each family member, friend, and "blog friend." GOD uses you to bring me life. ; ) 

I AM

Several times throughout the day I feel like posting this as my facebook status...

"I'm tired of crying. Tired of hurting. Aching. Anyone want to trade lives with me?" 

I don't always feel this way, and I honestly don't want to trade lives with anyone. This is just a thought that goes through my mind sometimes when the pain overwhelms me. I continue to be amazed at your words that the LORD prompts you to say to me. I cannot tell you how much they have impacted me.

 Thank you thank you for being sensitive to Him speaking to your heart. Thank you for praying for us. I am humbled as some of you have written that you pray for us daily as GOD brings us to your mind. Wow. I have never felt so carried in my entire life. It's how I get up in the morning, get ready for each day, play with Zach, and just function. My family and I are blessed beyond measure!

A few years ago when we were trying to get pregnant with Zach, one night I cried out to the LORD because I was so discouraged. Jason and I wanted a baby so badly. I will never forget listing off to GOD everything I thought I was. I was that woman friends would feel sorry for. I was infertile. We would be that couple who could not have children....etc. I will never forget GOD's peace settling over me, hushing me, and hearing Him say, "I AM." 

After Reese's death, my mom shared how the LORD had put Psalm 46:10 on her heart. "Be still, and know that I AM GOD."

When Jason and I walked into the chapel before Reese's memorial service began, I noticed on a stained glass window the words, "I AM." My Dad later pointed out to me that "I AM" was written on many if not all of the windows in the chapel. 

I AM. This name of GOD is so final. So peaceful. It answers every question. Every doubt. Everything in me finds security in I AM. He is my Father. How comforting. His heart is breaking with mine. He is counting every tear. He knows the emptiness I feel. The depth of my despair. He also knows how it feels to lose a child. 

GOD has been so faithful in my darkest hours to remind me that He is I AM.

Some friends gave us a Glenn Packiam cd, and the song "My Hope" has been ministering to my heart. I listened to it for the first time last night, and it is still running through my mind. It's such a simple and sweet song. Some of the lyrics are 

"I will be still and know You are my Father. My eyes will be fixed on You alone. 

I put my hope in You. There is nothing else to do. Through every valley I know You're by my side, and my life is in Your hands. 

Your love will never fail. Your mercies are new each day.

Through every circumstance my hope will stand for my life is in Your hands."

I've Got Sunshine...

on a cloudy day. I don't know what I would do without him. ; )

For Good

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

Thank you, Lord Jesus!

Honored

I am so honored to hear about the influence Reese has made on a few of your lives. Thank you very much for sharing with me. It makes me want to shout, "Go Reese!" but then it hits me that her life was the price of what of GOD is doing.

It's like the LORD just allowed us to borrow her for two days. It only took her a little over 48 hours to fulfill her purpose on earth when for me it may take my entire lifetime. My little girl. What a privilege it is to be her Mom.

One of my Baylor roommates posted something the other day that I cannot get out of my mind. She wrote, "For many years, I've known and believed God's Word, but I've never had to stand upon it when everything else around me seems to be sinking - to trust what His word says when the circumstances don't make sense - and to trust in His future promises when all I can feel is sorrow."

How did she look into my heart and know this is exactly where I am? I've been a Christian since I was nine years old but never have I been so challenged, never has my world been this upside down. Because of Reese's death, my faith is being tested like never before. Do I believe everything I say I believe? It's easy to pray and praise GOD when my world is right. Right now I must stand on His Word because He is really all I have.

This morning I read Psalm 116:10, "I believed, even when I said, "I am severely afflicted." " This does not mean that I always feel like believing, but Jesus truly is my only hope.

Verse 15 also says, "The death of His faithful ones is valuble in the LORD's sight." It was sweet of the LORD to remind me that both Reese's life AND death are valuable to Him. Everything about her is valuable to me. ; )

Each day we are discovering people who are donating to something because of Reese's life. This gives me such joy to know that something eternal is being done in her name! We could have never imagined this.

The LORD brought Jeremiah 33:3 to my mind when I woke up this morning, "Call to Me and I will answer you and show you great and mighty things you do not know."

There are many questions, and we will probably never know why Reese was taken from us so soon, yet I am still calling to GOD and know He will answer me. He will somehow someday redeem our pain.

Thank you again for sharing this journey with us. I feel anything but strong. My arms ache to hold Reese. I wonder how we walked out of the hospital without her August 13th. When the pain overwhelms me, and I just want my daughter back in my arms, He uses you - my family, friends, and even strangers' words and prayers to uphold me.

Life Right Now

Jason and I are being carried through each day by our family, friends, and all of you praying for us. It's amazing. He went back to work today, and my mom will be staying a few more days to help with Zach and keep me busy. Whenever I begin to feel the weight of Reese's death on my shoulders, GOD is good to prompt someone to call, text, email me, or bring someone right into my path to wrap their arms around me.

A few of you have asked what happened to Reese, and I do not mind sharing the truth of her life and death. The doctors believe that the infection I had in May led to infection also going through my placenta and affecting her brain. My placenta was 50 % calcified when she was born which means she could not get everything her body needed from me. Due to this, Reese was born with severe brain swelling and could not breathe on her own. Even though she continued to grow inside of me all summer and everything looked completely fine, my placenta and her brain were slowly being influenced.

All I have ever seen when I look at her is beauty. She is perfect to me and oh so precious! I cannot wait until I see her again in Heaven.

Thank you for sharing verses the LORD places on your heart for us. What a comfort! It also blesses us to hear from those who have walked through the death of a child whether it's been five months or fifty years ago. It's nice to know we are not alone.

These past few weeks we have made a habit of sitting out on our back deck after dinner and enjoying this nice weather until the stars come out. It makes me wish I could sit outside with each of you and talk about the LORD, regular life, and laugh at silly things.

Know I am reading and so enjoy all of your sweet comments. I am completely amazed at the impact Reese has had on many of your lives. Makes me a proud Mama. ; )

Laugh Again

Jason and I went to worship this morning. It was much harder than I expected, but I'm so glad we went. There is just something about seeing a friendly warm familiar face that makes me lose it. In a good kind of heartbreaking way. ; )

Everyone we saw was wonderful and hugged us. I know they and so many others are walking with us through our pain.

A friend sent this picture of us to me, and it makes me wonder if we'll ever truly laugh at things again the way we used to. Jason has been such a rock for me. I don't know what I would do without his calming presence. I love him with all of my heart.

This verse I read on someone's blog yesterday gives me hope today.

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21

Amazed

I cannot say enough wonderful things about our friends in Christ. The way our church leaders and small group have stepped up to support us through Reese's short life and death continues to bless and carry us. So many of our friends were waiting at the hospital last Tuesday before I was even out of recovery. Jason and I love and thank you over and over again!

Jason and I are also amazed and humbled each day as we receive cards, flowers, emails, and gifts from people we have never met. Although we may only have your name, GOD knows who you are. Please know GOD is using you in such a mighty way in our lives. We pray He blesses you "above and beyond your highest prayers, desires, thought, or hopes." Ephesians 3:21

Your generosity challenges me in a fresh new way to do this for others whom I may never meet until Heaven.

Beautiful

Jason and his dad have been busy this week. Cam loves any project, and we keep a running list for him for when he comes to visit. ; )

Jason surprised me by planting five beautiful crepe myrtles in Reese's honor. They are simply breathtaking and look like they were always meant to be lining our driveway. We can never move, and if we do these tree are going with us!

"...to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified."

Isaiah 61:3

Today

Even though Reese's due date is August 28th, my doctor had scheduled my C-section for today. August 20th was "supposed" to be her birthday, yet GOD had a much different plan.

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps." Proverbs 16:9

I want to share the words I spoke at Reese's memorial service. GOD overwhelmed me (and still does) with His peace as I spoke, then I fell apart before I could even reach my seat. He is good.

We think of Reese constantly, and at certain times our loss just washes over me. Then the emotions pass for a moment.

We feel your prayers, tears, and love for us. Thank you!

Reese Catherine Rowe

August 11, 2009 ~ August 13, 2009

Thank you for being here today to support Jason, me, and our families. It means so much to see your faces and know that you care this much to be here for us.

*We are thankful for the time that GOD gave us with Reese. We were so blessed to have her on earth with us for two days. Today is about honoring her and giving glory to GOD for her sweet little life.

*As difficult as it was for us to leave the hospital Thursday night, I will never forget the comfort of going to see Reese, touch her, hold her whenever I wanted – what a gift!

Several verses have gone through my mind this week as I have thought and felt so many things.

I will always treasure our mother ~ daughter moments. Especially late at night or early in the morning.

At night around midnight after everyone went home, I would go up to her room and spend time with Reese. I had so much I wanted to say to her.

I would wake up early around 5 and go up to her room. What a privilege it was for me. The LORD would whisper to my heart Psalm 139:18, "…when I awake I am still with You."

*As the reality of Reese’s situation began to sink in, and my mind drifted to planning her funeral, I thought of how different this would be from mourning a loved one who had lived a full life.

As hard as it is to lose anyone you love, with Reese there are many of what will never be. What I will never have with my daughter. What Jason and Zach will never have with her. Hopes lost, plans unfinished, and dreams unfulfilled.

I want you to stay with me, because if this is all there was and all I believed, I could not be standing here before you now speaking at my own daughter’s funeral.

*Most of you know I was diagnosed with meningitis and encephalitis in May. Throughout my illness, even though I was in the worst pain I’d ever been in, I never questioned GOD, never got angry. I wasn’t bitter. Overall, I accepted it – thankful that Reese was ok, Zach was in good hands, and by leaning on my family’s and friends’ love, prayers, and support GOD carried me through.

With each passing day after she was born Reese showed no improvement, and we knew there was very little hope. It was then that I began to feel my anger rising. I prayed, "GOD, do anything to me – I can handle it. It’s my body. Take away my health, but GOD NOW, you have touched a big nerve. Don’t go there. Don’t take away my baby girl. Do not touch my daughter."

I know we are not immune to any suffering, but I wanted answers. My heart cried, "GOD, you’ve stirred me so. What are we going to do without her?"

In a way I challenged GOD, believing He called me to – not pridefully (I don’t have any pride left) or defiantly. I believe GOD led me to a "match" because He wanted to meet with me in a way He never had before.

The LORD replied, "Katie, give Me what you’ve got. I can handle it."

So I did. Some of the things I said to Him were serious, some on a lighter note. Yet He answered. Through my family, friends, His Word, many of you.

I cried out, "GOD, I have a baby book with blank pages waiting for me to fill!" He said, "All of Reese’s days were ordained in My book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:16

One night I went to see Reese, and the nurse had lovingly given her a bath. This meant the world to me. Such a sweet detail. But I said, "GOD, I’m the one who is supposed to bathe her." He answered, "The LORD gives, and the LORD takes away. Blessed be the name of the LORD." Job 1:21

This same nurse put a tiny bow in her hair. I said, "GOD, I’m the one who is supposed to fix her hair." He replied, "I will you quiet you with My love." Zeph. 1:17

One night I said to Reese, "This is not how it should be. Dad and Zach are supposed to hang out doing guy things and you and me have fun doing girly things." GOD answered, "I will restore the years the locusts have eaten." Joel 2:25

I said, "GOD, I have this precious diaper bag that I picked out especially for Reese. I searched for weeks to find it." He said, "My mercies are new every morning." Lamentations 3:23

As we were preparing to say goodbye to Reese, the nurse helped me dress her. I thought, "LORD, I should be able to have more chances to dress my sweet baby girl in pretty outfits." He answered, "Reese has already obtained an inheritance which is imperishable and undefiled and will not fade away…" 1 Peter 1:4

The first morning Jason and I were home we were lying in bed talking about Reese. Jason said, "She should be right here in between us." GOD said, "I hem you in behind and before." Psalm 139:5

I pleaded, "GOD, but I already have a girls’ trip planned with Reese and my friends with their daughters. We were going to stay up late and giggle and paint each other’s toenails." He replied, "The joy of the LORD is your strength and stronghold." Nehemiah 8:10

These are just a few things that will never be with Reese.

GOD was gracious enough to answer me with His comforting words. But really He alone is the answer. Psalm 46:10 says, "Be still and know that I AM GOD." As my Mom reminded me, GOD is everything He says He is or He is nothing at all. I cannot believe He is nothing. He must be enough.

*Before Reese was born I began praying for her. What an honor to already be praying for Reese! Deuteronomy 30:20 says, "For He is their life and the length of their days." I prayed the day before she was born that GOD would be her life and the length of her days.

GOD used these specific words through me, as Reese’s Mom, to pray over her short life before she was even born. Of course, I had no idea her life would be cut so very short, but GOD did. He knew the length of her days would only be two on earth with us. Yet I also prayed He would be her life, and He is. I believe Reese is with Jesus.

My prayer for us now is Ephesians 3:13 – 21. Ephesians 3:20 – 21 have always been my favorite verses. The following is a summary of these eight verses.

"When I think of the wisdom and scope of Your plan for us, GOD, I fall down on my knees and pray…that out of Your glorious unlimited resources You will give us the mighty inner strengthening of Your Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in our hearts, living within us as we trust in You. May our roots go down deep into the soil of GOD’s marvelous love, and may we be able to feel and understand, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high GOD’s love really is and to experience this love for ourselves, though it is so great that we will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it. Amen."

Cross Bracelet

Reese was buried wearing this beautiful cross bracelet.

My sister Mandy bought this for her. It has such a special significance because all of the "White" (my maiden name) women have one. ; )

I wish there was something I could do for everyone who is supporting us through this time! Please know I pray GOD blesses you incredibly for encouraging us with your prayers, words, cards, and Bible verses.

Isaiah 57:1 - 2

"...devout men are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil."

Life's Moments

Reese's Life's Moments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n3he1XXg_dY

This video was shown at Reese's memorial. I love love love it.

Thank you Clint, Zach, Kim, and everyone else who helped put together this perfect video. Jason and I thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

Today

Reese, we celebrate and honor you today. Praise GOD for your life. We love you!

Bright Spots

I wanted to share a few bright spots and sweet pictures during these days. ; )

Can this face be any sweeter!?

Reese weighed 6 lbs. 6 oz., 18 3/4 in., and was born at 5:36 pm on Tuesday. We just found out how long she was so I now feel complete about knowing all her measurements. I love baby details like this.

Reese was also a candidate for a heart valve donation, so after she went to be with Jesus this recovery was done successfully. We have been in touch with the surgeon, and now we wait expectantly to hear if a match was found. We realize this could take months (the heart valves can be stored for a long period of time), but knowing that a part of Reese could live on in another baby is unbelievable. There are just no words to describe how Jason and I feel about this. Our baby girl helping some other baby live when she could not.

Our siblings have been amazing.

My brother Faber drove through the night to be with us when he heard about Reese. He never left my side. His calming presence was so comforting to us. Meredith is coming today, and I can't wait to hug her neck. I know it's been hard for her not to be here.

Cody and Shannon have also been so encouraging. Shannon was one of the first people I saw when the nurses wheeled me out of recovery. She just held my hand as they took me to my room.

Mandy and Bo came up as soon as they could and took care of Zach for us. "Abba" and "Zachy" had a wonderful time together. I am so thankful Mandy was watching my other "baby" while I needed to be with Reese. I had no worries about him. That was such a comfort!

My handsome little man

Andy is a such a great uncle to Zach, and I know Reese melted his heart.

Jason and I love our siblings so incredibly much! Thank you for being here for us every step of the way.

Physically I am doing well. I dreaded having another C-section since the day Zach was born, so my ob and I had decided that I would be under general anesthesia with Reese to hopefully make it somewhat easier on me.

Needless to say, an emergency C-section with local anesthesia was a terrifying thought to me, but of course on Tuesday I just wanted Reese to be born and safe. ; ) Thankfully what most people say about a second C-section is true. It was much easier. I also realize my mind has been only on Reese, but as long as I take my pain meds and take it slow, I am getting around easier every day.

Thank you again and again for helping carry us through this time.

Before Reese was born, I prayed for a peace to settle over us as we brought her home and to have a smooth transition adjusting to life with a new baby.

This is far from what I saw happening or nothing I would have planned. I'm sure we will have nothing resembling a smooth transition without having Reese physically in our lives everyday.

Yet a peace has settled on our home. A peace that passes all understanding (Philippians 4:7). Thank you, Jesus.

Monday's Details

Reese Rowe's Memorial

Monday, August 17, 2009

First Baptist Church Springdale

1 pm

Springdale, AR

Followed by a private family burial at 3 pm

*Childcare available beginning at 12:30 pm

Priceless Moments

I just can't let a day go by without showing some pictures of my sweet baby girl. Every time I look at her I think, "She is just so beautiful!" Tomorrow we will be able to see the professional pictures we had taken of us as a family. I can't WAIT to see them and share some of them with you.

I am so thankful that GOD allowed us to have her for a few days. What would I give to touch her soft skin tonight.

Our parents held Reese for the first time before she went to be with Jesus yesterday. It was a bittersweet time for all of us.

I love knowing Reese is already waiting for us along with our loved ones in Heaven. How do people live without the hope of Jesus!? Especially in a situation like this. I can't wait to see Reese running up to me when I see her again. ; ) What a beautiful thought.

Jason's parents and and mine have been so strong for us. Yet they are real in grieving as well. They haven't left our sides. One moment we laugh and the next we all cry.

Today has been a day that no parent should ever have to live through - preparing their baby's burial. Yet so many of you have. I am still reading through everyone's comments and draw strength from each one. My family and I are amazed and humbled at everyone's support and love. Jesus is shining through our family, friends, and so many others we have never met! Thank you.

I find comfort in knowing that many of you have walked this path before because right now I do not know how I am going to make it. I feel such a heaviness on my chest at times it's difficult to breathe. At the hospital I would look at Reese and think, "What am I going to do without you?" I am still wondering...

Our friend Clint guided us through today at the funeral home and burial grounds. I don't know what we would have done without him. I want to make every detail perfect for our Reese. We found a peaceful spot for her to be buried under some trees.

The beginning of this week felt like a dream to me, but now it's fully reality. Jason and I have a daughter in Heaven with Jesus. We are devastated but know GOD is still on His throne. I was able to hold and touch her and kiss her before He took her home. What an honor! She has changed our lives forever.

Reese Catherine ~ 8.11.09 - 8.13.09

The last few days have been a whirlwind. Saying "thank you" for all of your prayers, calls, emails, and visits will never be sufficient, but that's all we have. Our hearts are full of gratefulness.

Reese went to be with the LORD tonight. She is alive, well, and healthy with Jesus. As painful as it is to accept, we are glad she's home - free from tubes, cords, and machines.

A few sweet pics from today ~

Reese with her red bow. Of course that is her favorite color just like mine. ; )

Sweet Daddy & Reese

Jason amazes me. I am so proud of him and wouldn't know what I would do without him.

Our amazing photographer came back to be with us tonight to take some pictures of Reese without any tubes on her body. The nurse let me dress her! So precious. Zach was wonderful with her and even kissed Reese on her head several times. I can't wait to get my hands on those pictures.

Little lady

All ready. ; )

GOD was so good to let us be with Reese as she went to be with Him. We are home now and taking life minute by minute. Please know that your prayers carry and cover us.

More Pics of My Baby Girl

The night nurse made Reese this little name card. All the details mean so much to us.

Last night during one of our little "mother~daughter" chats. ; )

Isn't this pink bow the cutest thing? It's glued to her head!

This morning we did a photo shoot with Reese and used this pink blanket under her. So precious.

I think she looks like Jason. ; )

Reese Catherine Rowe ~ 8.11.09

Thank you all very much for your prayers. We desperately need them. I know there is a lot of information about Reese going around right now. I don't have the strength to go into any details, but I definitely want to share pictures of my beautiful baby girl. ; )

August 11, 2009

Happy Birthday, Reese!

Our baby girl

Isn't she beautiful?

Our "small fry"

Jason, me, & Reese

Look who came to cheer me up today!? I have a feeling this little guy is going to keep me going these next few days, weeks, and months. He sure makes me smile. ; )

Jason holding his daughter for the first time

"For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body.

All the days ordained for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:13 - 16

When the Bee Stings

So today after church I was walking to my car with Shannon and Cody. Jason (with Z) had pulled the car up to meet me. I felt a sting on my shoulder, and it surprised me. Another sting. I started screaming and dancing around the church parking lot. I knew then that a bee was in my shirt!

I was wearing a few layers (thank goodness!), so we got my t-shirt off (when J and I volunteer in the nursery we wear t-shirts), and with one last sting the bee flew away. It happened so fast I didn't know quite what hit me. Crazy!

I have never been stung by a bee before, and it's just no fun at all. My Mom told me to put a paste of water and baking soda on the stings, and my arm feels so much better. ; )

"Life" happens when you least expect it, so be sure to have a tank top on under your shirt!

Fun Days

My parents came up for a few days this week to see us before Reese is born. It really hit me that the countdown has begun! The chair I've been waiting on for her nursery came in yesterday, and I love it. Now all we are waiting for is her bedding. ; )

Of course, it didn't take long before Zach had them on the four wheeler. ; )

Bunny, Z, & Pappy

One night we went to a local festival in our area, and Zach LOVED the rides.

Getting ready and having a pep talk with Dad

He smiled so big every time they rode around on the "roller coaster."

Another big smile

Merry-go-round with Pappy

Zach also enjoyed the ferris wheel with Jason and my Dad, but I'm sure it didn't go quite as fast as he would have liked.

This morning we went to the farmer's market. Zach was wonderful, and loved all the "good dogs" he saw. I think he will definitely be a "good dog" or a "duck-duck" for Halloween this year! Hmm...what will Reese be!?

My "baby" & me...not for long!