For those of you who have walked this path ahead of me, thank you for sharing the ways you remember your babies who are in Heaven. Please feel free to give me more ideas. What do you do to honor them on birthdays and holidays?
I am still in the state of mind where it is strange to want just the right monument or the brightest flowers for Reese's vase. I just want to be a regular mom doing regular mom things.
This week I have been struggling with seeing other people with little baby girls. I think, "Other people have their daughters. I want to have my daughter, too." Thankfully, GOD's presence is never far because of all of the prayers lifted up on our behalf. I am confident of this.
Whenever those times come, GOD is quick to speak to my heart that Reese just wasn't meant to live on this earth with us longer than two days. Just this one thought fills me with peace that helps me go on. Peace in knowing GOD's will is being done, and that we WILL see Reese again! Just to imagine that moment is overwhelming in an incredible way. In my mind I see Reese taking me to Jesus. How I long for this day.
For some reason GOD chose Jason and me to go through this. It hurts. It stinks. I didn't choose this. I don't like it. I don't understand. But I love my Jesus.
I trust GOD's heart that He will finish
what He started and fill our lives with hope and joy and blessing!
Oh, how I love Jesus.
Two friends shared this verse with me...it's perfect.
I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.
Isaiah 42:16
amen sister! have you read the book by don piper "90 minutes in heaven"? I highly recommend it- it gives such great perspectives on why we go through such struggles and reasures that Heaven is REAL and our babies are waiting for us there!
ReplyDeleteKatie, your faith is so very inspiring. I am sorry you have to walk through this pain but you are an amazing witness to God's love and faithfulness. I pray for you each day.
ReplyDeleteSusan in Indiana
After reading the verse you posted, it reminded me of a song. It on the first Glory Revealed CD. The song is called "Glory Revealed" and is sang by Candi Pearson-Shelton.
ReplyDeleteGod is using you in such a special way. And I thank you for allowing Him to show Himself through you. God bless!
Thanks for being so real and honest about your feelings. You will probably never be a "Regular Mom." You are however, an "Extraordinary, Mom." I know you didn't choose it, it doesn't make sense, and YES, it stinks! I would love for you to have your beautiful Reese back in your arms...I am so sorry. May Jesus give you EXACTLY what you need, moment by moment.
ReplyDeleteBlessings!
Heidi
I love the following scriptures from the Bible. The version is The Message:
Philippians 1:3-6
Every time you cross my mind, I break out in exclamations of thanks to God. Each exclamation is a trigger to prayer. I find myself praying for you with a glad heart. I am so pleased that you have continued on in this with us, believing and proclaiming God's Message, from the day you heard it right up to the present. There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears.
I commend you for being able to share your thoughts so freely. I struggled with this so much. I always said I was too worried about making others feel awkward by talking about my loss, however it was my own feelings I was avoiding, not theirs.
ReplyDeleteOn birthdays and holidays, other than visiting the cemetary, we make an effort to do something special as a family. I look forward to teaching my daughter about how special her big sister was, and how we get to look forward to spending eternity with her.
I often struggled with thoughts that my daughter would not know how much we truly loved her. I know this is NOT the case at all... but I still wondered 'how could she truly know all these things about us?' - about our personalities, our favorite things, etc. Then I thought of all the people we know that are already in heaven, young and old, especially those that know my husband and I as a couple. I like to think of all the fun, crazy stories she could be hearing from our loved ones, and it brightens my day. I also think of all the babies that had to leave this life too early, I envision them all playing together.
"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." -Matthew 19:14
Hang in there, Katie. I'm always thinking about you and praying for you every day.
ReplyDeleteit's amazing how strong your faith is katie. i'm sure you have moments where you cry out to God in anger but it's comforting that you still feel him all the time. i think it is totally normal to not want to be around little girls and their momma's. that will take a very long time i would think. still praying for you, jason and all of your family. thinking of you every single day.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteKatie,
ReplyDeleteI know how it is to see others with their baby girls, and long for yours. For us, we had girls and it seems like we see baby girls EVERYWHERE! I'm sure that's how moms feel who have lost little boys, little boys everywhere! It's just one of those lovely things we have to endure, and your right, it stinks. God WILL restore joy into your lives again, I'm living proof that you will survive this and be full of joy once again!
Last year, on what would've been Addison's first birthday, we decided to release 1 balloon. We have decided to release balloons every year on her birthday, one for each year older she would've been. This November, we will release 2. I dread that day, but I've done it once and I can do it again! We also change the flowers and windchimes often and try to have them go with each season...fall colors, Christmas, spring, etc. (It's hard to find Christmas windchimes, but I try to find red or green ones)
Keep up your spirits, you're doing great...just that you're getting out of bed is an accomplishment to me, I couldn't for a long time! I'm so proud of you and praying for you daily!
Love, Leah
I love reading about your faith, Katie. I don't like that you've had to go through such heartache to teach us how Great our God is, but you are doing a beautiful job.
ReplyDeleteI taught this past Sunday about all the many Psalms in God's Word that begin with a 'lamentation' - a crying out to the Lord, but then turn into a praise of how great He is. It was so refreshing to see the 'turn' in each Psalm we read and see the author (mostly David) change his heart about his situation and recognize ultimately where his strength comes from. We even wrote some of our own after that. I say all this because your blog posts remind me so much of this. You begin each post pouring out your heart and telling us how much you hurt and your current struggle. BUT, you always end with how sovereign, loving and powerful our sweet Savior is. That's why you are comforting so many of people.
Okay, sorry to ramble. Just wanted you to know what a blessing you are :)
Your faith is amazing to me. Your words are so honest and I just know that the Lord has plans for you and your dear sweet heart.
ReplyDeleteJust think...you will get to rock a baby in heaven. What a sweet thought.
ReplyDeleteKatie, one thing I am doing this year, since October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, is to go to the event put on at our local Expo center. I've never been, but I want to go on this, the 5 year milestone.
ReplyDeleteYou might see if they have anything like that in your area...
Another thing we did right after Janie flew was we purchased a bunch of Gideon Bibles in her name and they gave them to people who needed them.
I know God will give you great insight on the best ways to honor your Heavenly Baby Reese.
Much love....
Oh Katie, deciding to place your faith in Christ no matter what is amazing. When that "no matter what" comes along, we truly realize what trusting and faith is. You are in my thoughts and prayers!!!
ReplyDeleteI really don't have words for you, but I do hurt for you.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you!
For Christmas, I always buy Madison an ornament for the year just as I do my living children. It's hard putting them up each year, but it would be harder without them. I did a birthday cake on her first birthday, and it about killed me. I've never done it again. We usually let our kids pick something meaningful to do that day. The past few years we have written messages on a Mylar balloon and released it at the cemetery. We watch it until it disappears from our view.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I heard Ann Kiemel Anderson on Focus on the Family. She spoke about the loss in her life and shared that she knew that sorrow would be either her worst enemy or best friend and she chose to make it her best friend and open her heart up to what she could learn through it. She also spoke about standing before God with her empty hands and telling Him he could put whatever He wanted in them or take whatever He wanted out. It was incredible.
ReplyDeleteI am praying that you will find the perfect way to honor Reese and be able to minister to others through her brief life. Something that will bring you not only comfort in remembering her, but perhaps something that will benefit someone else in her name!
Praying for you Katie.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of days I look at Harper and feel so sad that I have her and you don't have Reese. It's just not fair. I don't deserve to have Harper anymore than you don't deserve to not have Reese.
I can't imagine the road you are on.....but I'm praying as you walk on it.
Your everything just continues to amaze me. It is so nice to hear the truth and the reality of the feelings you go through. I have a precious friend that went through this. She is not a talker though, and it was so hard to not know not only what to say and do, but what she was going through. Your perspective and grace as you have gone through it has been soo amazing and helpful.
ReplyDeleteI surely speak for a lot of other Mommies when I say that it is frustrating to be on the flipside. Knowing that there are wonderful people experiencing this loss and hurt while we sit here with our girls is hard to understand. That probably sounds kinda weird, but I hope ya know what I mean.
You are so inspiring, Katie! Hope yall have a great weekend!
:) jess
Hi katie,
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for a while now. My husband and I lost our first child on jan. 31, 2006 at birth. It has been a hard road but time and the Lord help to heal. The Lord is using you to minister to others through your grief.
We remember our Samuel by going to the cemetary and releasing balloons. We also make a cake and my husband always takes his birthday off. We have his pictures throughout our home and special things that we remember him by. The season around his birthday is always a difficult one for me but as the years go by they seem to get a little easier. After losing Samuel we struggled with some infertility issues and the Lord finally blessed us with a daughter. We are due with another daughter on Tuesday. We are so thankful that he truly can turn our mourning into dancing! I agree that 90 minutes in heaven is a great book! I wanted to read everything I could about heaven and it gave me a fresh perspective. Sorry this is so long.
You're in my prayers,
Julie
Katie, this is not a path that I would wish on any other parent. We lost our son, Walker when he was 17 weeks old due to a complication from his vaccines. I am unable to have any more children (at this point~3 years now). I am so inspired by your Faith. It is something I lack. On his 1st birthday we planted a tree, a beautiful Maple that has gorgeous red leaves in the Fall. We try to do something to honor him and his short 4 months.
ReplyDeleteLife is never the same, but it does get a little bit "easier" to deal with it every day.
Your Faith has been such a strong rock for you so far, my prayer is that it will continue to help you through this very difficult adjustment to your "new" normal.
I am so sorry for you loss!!
I don't understand it either, sister...I truly don't. I can't imagine your road...I have never walked it...and hope I never do. My heart hurts with yours.
ReplyDeleteDo you use Willow Creek Children's Clinic? If so, have you met Dr. Susan Averitt?
ReplyDeleteI think she could answer some of your questions.
www.cameronsamazingbooks.com
I hope this helps.
Alison
Your faith is incredible!!!!!! I'm sorry I haven't checked in on you sooner, but know I am still praying for you and Jason! Hang in there!!!
ReplyDeleteLove, Melanie
Although we haven't met, I think of you multiple times a day. I continue to pray for you. I sometimes become overwhelmed for you when I am holding my son or looking at my daughter. It isn't fair and I don't understand it...but I know I don't have to. His ways are not my ways. You have been and are such an example of un-shakable faith (even though I know you must not always feel that way)...I am so glad to know your story and I know that my faith is stronger because of you...Go Reese!
ReplyDeleteHi Katie - I just wanted to stop by and say what an inspiration I think you are to everyone out there. I've never had to experience a loss like yours and I'm so sorry that you and your family had to go through this - but I am amazed every day by reading your posts at how strong of a woman you are. Thank you so much for sharing your story and I will continue to pray for you and your family and hope that God will bless you with another little blessing when he feels the time is right. Big hugs! xoxoxo
ReplyDeletei found this on another blog i read, and though i don't know you-you came to mind.
ReplyDelete"Sorrow is one of the things lent, not given.
Joy is given; sorrow is lent.
Sorrow is lent to us for just a little while
that we may use it for eternal purposes.
Then it will be taken away and everlasting joy
will be our Father's gift to us, and the Lord God
will wipe away all tears..."
-Amy Carmichael
jill
Your faith is amazing. I know the feeling of seeing others with what you so badly want - I get like that sometimes when I see a pregnant woman or a new baby. It used to be so bad that I almost was agoraphobic and didn't leave the house more than absolutely necessary. Everything on the "outside" was just too painful of a reminder. Alas, I've come to know that my Jesus loves me. He has what's best for me in mind, just like I imagine I'd want for that child of mine that I long for so badly.
ReplyDeleteKatie,
ReplyDeleteI am sooo sorry you have to walk this path right now.... It stinks... Even though I lost my first child in the 2nd trimester and it was just devastating I just can't imagine what your going through....
2 things:
1) I struggled with the same as you are now with wondering why everyone else has there babies and I didn't (I passed alot of judgement on young mothers, people I thought weren't good mothers, etc...) I felt so guilty afterwards and now I pray for them...
2) A dear friend of mine lost her only daughter to SIDS two years ago when she was 5 mths old.... Her faith in the lord is sooo like yours.... She celebrates b-days, and holidays like I told ya on an earlier post with the biggest brightest of flowers and a little stick balloon.... I am sooo sorry you have to go through this...
It doesn't seem fair...
Summer :0)
I would also recommend the book, "90 minutes in heaven". Oh what a day of rejoicing that will be.
ReplyDeleteI think as far as holidays and birthdays go you have to do whatever feels right for your family. For us, even 18 years later, the day is still a "tough" day. For me it always helps to plan to do something special for another family that may be in a crisis. Sometimes it is little but sometimes bigger and usually done in secret. But, for us we know it is in memory of our son.
I am thankful that we do not have the choice to change the past because I would in a heartbeat But my life has so been blessed and because of our path I clearly see it. God continues to carry me in hard time but blessing me always.
Your spirit is just to beautiful... I know Reese would have had that same sweet spirit... and now she gets to share that sweet spirit with Jesus!!! Love you!!
ReplyDeleteYou are such an encouragement! Such a display of amazing faith! I've had 3 miscarriages and 2 preemie babies, but don't pretend to understand a loss such as yours . . . but my heart does hurt for you, and I pray for you often!
ReplyDeleteMuch Love from Erin in Florida
You are such an amazing example to all who read your blog! I just can't get over the faith you have in the most difficult trial imaginable! Thank you for your witness. I pray for you whenever I read your posts. God bless you and your sweet family!
ReplyDeleteKatie-I think about you often!
ReplyDeleteYour faith is truly an inspiration Katie. I am continuing to pray for you!
ReplyDeleteHave been following your blog through Rebekah Harris' blog. I can't imagine experiencing what you are going through. I truly believe that if God brings you to something, you will get through it because of Him. Your daughter is beautiful! And what a way to enter the realms of heaven, then to be greeted by our loved ones who have past before us. Your faith is truly amazing and inspiring. God Bless you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I put this in the letter I wrote you, but after Carter people wanted to give/donate/do whatever they could. My grandmother wanted to plant a tree. Since we were living out of state at the time and new we would return to our home state I wanted something I could take with me. So, I had a bench made. I will be glad to share pictures of the bench with you. It has Carter's name and birthdate on it and his actual footprints. It is in my front flowerbushes. I love it! Let me know and I'll get some information for you. alpurnell02@yahoo.com One day at a time. Sometimes it's one minute at a time. That's all you can do. Have a great weekend!
ReplyDeleteYes, 90 minutes in Heaven is an awesome book. I'm just a teenager and I loved it because I could relate to what the man went through in some ways. I know the frustration when things take longer than we'd like, and I know the extreme joy when he got to walk again after a LONG period of time.
ReplyDeleteTrust me, it's a wonderful book.