Real

I hope ya'll had a Merry Christmas. It's almost Happy New Year. ; ) We had a wonderful week with our families in Little Rock. The days went by way too quickly! 

I have missed blogging regularly. I love to write. There's only so much I can write with an Instagram pic. ; )

I have shared so much of my heart on this blog, and it's time I shared a journey we've been on the past four months. I can't keep writing about our family without telling this recent chapter in our story.

It's a reason I haven't blogged much. I feel like I've been living in a dream that turned into a nightmare. I'm still a bit in a fog. We kept this very private to protect our family, and it was difficult for me to write without bleeding my emotions.

This fall Jason and I had a specific adoption situation we pursued. The opportunity presented itself the week of Reese's birthday and glory day so we could not deny the timing. We jumped all in. How could we not?

The details we perfect. A bright young woman who chose life for her baby. A healthy baby girl due in December.

I felt like the LORD had used the last 18 months (and really four years) to lead me to this point.

We decided to walk down this path as GOD led. Jason was cautious, and I was over the moon hopeful yet really tried to guard my heart. I know what real darkness is and still fight it. It was all completely out of our hands, and I'd never felt so helpless in all my life. 

The process was not easy by any means but I knew when I had this baby girl in my arms everything would be forgotten and worth it. I wasn't living in a dream world yet the Lord confirmed to me countless times that this was His will. His Word was my food and drink. I couldn't rely on anything else.

Adoption is something we have never felt called to or saw ourselves doing, but this situation was very specific. We did not seek it out. We went through the process for this one baby. A baby girl we believed belonged in our home.

When I told my testimony on Kelly's blog I was so hoping to share our good news then. Even though I don't deserve understanding it all made a little sense out of losing Reese. Because the Lord had this baby for us. 

We walked through open door after open door doing all the right things - waiting and waiting - until a few weeks ago when we found out the birth mom chose another family. 

Jason and I knew there were no guarantees, and we did what we said we would do. It sounds so black and white but my emotions don't quite get that. I'm very confused yet also feel peace.

I'm not sure why heartache seems to follow us. I KNOW I'm truly blessed with Jason and our boys. With our families and friends. I adore them all and I do not take God's blessings lightly.

There is still so much I would like to share but need to protect myself and Jason. Once again I feel carried by prayer. I joke that people must be tired of praying for us! 

I wish I had a happy ending to share. I'm still sifting through my questions about something that was so real yet out of our reach. It's cruel.

I've gone back and forth wondering if I should even share this, but it's another part of who we are now. I want to be real and not give Satan the chance to thrive in secrecy.  

I love the Lord, and I know He hasn't abandoned us. I'm already in a much better place than I was three weeks ago. I'm not sure why He allowed this to happen, and I desperately want Him to reveal Himself to us. I know He isn't finished. I still have hope. I'm very thankful for our families and friends who pray and hope and believe for us. They show me God's goodness.

I will keep watch for You, my strength...My faithful God will come to meet me.

Psalm 59:9-10