Real

I hope ya'll had a Merry Christmas. It's almost Happy New Year. ; ) We had a wonderful week with our families in Little Rock. The days went by way too quickly! 

I have missed blogging regularly. I love to write. There's only so much I can write with an Instagram pic. ; )

I have shared so much of my heart on this blog, and it's time I shared a journey we've been on the past four months. I can't keep writing about our family without telling this recent chapter in our story.

It's a reason I haven't blogged much. I feel like I've been living in a dream that turned into a nightmare. I'm still a bit in a fog. We kept this very private to protect our family, and it was difficult for me to write without bleeding my emotions.

This fall Jason and I had a specific adoption situation we pursued. The opportunity presented itself the week of Reese's birthday and glory day so we could not deny the timing. We jumped all in. How could we not?

The details we perfect. A bright young woman who chose life for her baby. A healthy baby girl due in December.

I felt like the LORD had used the last 18 months (and really four years) to lead me to this point.

We decided to walk down this path as GOD led. Jason was cautious, and I was over the moon hopeful yet really tried to guard my heart. I know what real darkness is and still fight it. It was all completely out of our hands, and I'd never felt so helpless in all my life. 

The process was not easy by any means but I knew when I had this baby girl in my arms everything would be forgotten and worth it. I wasn't living in a dream world yet the Lord confirmed to me countless times that this was His will. His Word was my food and drink. I couldn't rely on anything else.

Adoption is something we have never felt called to or saw ourselves doing, but this situation was very specific. We did not seek it out. We went through the process for this one baby. A baby girl we believed belonged in our home.

When I told my testimony on Kelly's blog I was so hoping to share our good news then. Even though I don't deserve understanding it all made a little sense out of losing Reese. Because the Lord had this baby for us. 

We walked through open door after open door doing all the right things - waiting and waiting - until a few weeks ago when we found out the birth mom chose another family. 

Jason and I knew there were no guarantees, and we did what we said we would do. It sounds so black and white but my emotions don't quite get that. I'm very confused yet also feel peace.

I'm not sure why heartache seems to follow us. I KNOW I'm truly blessed with Jason and our boys. With our families and friends. I adore them all and I do not take God's blessings lightly.

There is still so much I would like to share but need to protect myself and Jason. Once again I feel carried by prayer. I joke that people must be tired of praying for us! 

I wish I had a happy ending to share. I'm still sifting through my questions about something that was so real yet out of our reach. It's cruel.

I've gone back and forth wondering if I should even share this, but it's another part of who we are now. I want to be real and not give Satan the chance to thrive in secrecy.  

I love the Lord, and I know He hasn't abandoned us. I'm already in a much better place than I was three weeks ago. I'm not sure why He allowed this to happen, and I desperately want Him to reveal Himself to us. I know He isn't finished. I still have hope. I'm very thankful for our families and friends who pray and hope and believe for us. They show me God's goodness.

I will keep watch for You, my strength...My faithful God will come to meet me.

Psalm 59:9-10

Merry Christmas!

Thanks be to God for His indescribable gift!

2 Corinthians 9:15

Christmas is about a Baby

I've known the true meaning of Christmas as long as I can remember. The king, the wise men, the shepherds, the star...

It's a celebration of Jesus the Son of God being born.

After Reese went to Heaven I suddenly looked at life in a completely different way. She has changed the way I see everything. Holidays are no different.

Christmas is about a Baby.

Holidays can be difficult for anyone experiencing loss but this time of year takes on a whole new challenge for those of us who have lost a baby or desire a baby.

My heart is with all of you who know the loss of a baby or who are waiting for one as all that surrounds us is Christmas. The celebration of new life. A Baby sent to save us from our sins. A Baby sent as a holy sacrifice.

Whether you are full of joy or heartache this Christmas may your hope rest in the perfect Baby born for you and me so many years ago.

GOD became man. May His be the hands that heal you. The true miracle of Christmas.

She who has believed is blessed because what was spoken to her by the Lord will be fulfilled!

Luke 1:45

Snow Days

The snow is melting but we had so much fun playing in it! Z had four snow days with a weekend in the middle. The boys really didn't get cabin fever which surprised me. I loved having some forced days to slow down with life but catch up on things at home. ; )

 We bundled up in our ski gear and hit the snow. Of course we were inside by the fire a lot, too.

 The boys loved sledding behind the four wheeler.

            I even gave it a try!

 I can't get over how much it snowed. I wonder what January and February will be like. 

Last night we went to our small group's Christmas party. Usually we host but this year our friends Stacy and Davin had it at their house. Jason and I hopped in the car and drove two houses down to where they live. Ha!

I love these friends. New and old!

There are really no words for the guys!

My favorite thing is the dirty santa Christmas gift exchange. I laugh so hard I cry every year. It's ridiculous. So funny.

Ten days until Christmas! Are you ready?

The Rock - His work is perfect; all His ways are entirely just. A faithful God, He is righteous and true.

Deuteronomy 32:4

Zach's Room (finally!)

I'm so excited to finally share pics of Zach's "new" room! I know all of you were holding your breath. Ha. His room might be my favorite in the house. I just love it.

His walls used to be brown which made his room too dark. Now it feels so light and airy. The paint color is March Wind (Sherwin Williams). It's a blueish gray.

His bed and dresser were Jason's. They were stained dark wood so we had them painted and distressed white. The green cabinet is Shannon's but if she ever wants it back I may have to buy it from her. ; )

 We hung an oil pan on the wall by his bed and another by the window seat to use as magnetic boards. I don't like bulletin boards so they work perfectly! The little brown chair was also Jason's as a child. His dad made it.

 Ah the window seat. Makes me so happy. Jason's dad built this and a desk in the spring, and it took me awhile to find the material I wanted. I thought I was over stripes, but I love the wide ones. It's not easy finding boy material either.

I wanted something simple and a little different for his desk chair so I had to search to find what I was looking for. ; ) I'm not sure Zach likes it but it will work for now!

 Hope you enjoyed this little tour! I'm itching to start on Colson's room. His will be my spring project. ; )

The LORD will send His faithful love by day; His song will be with me in the night.

Psalm 42:8

Give Thanks

We started our Thanksgiving holiday at my parents. The boys loved playing in the grandkid room. I'm jealous!

My mom and dad just moved out of the house I grew up in. They lived there 35 years. Of course I will always love their "old" house but I'm very excited about their new one. We all fit!

Next we went to Jason's grandparents' house. The Rowe men cut and split firewood. It's tradition. ; )

My mom helped me make rolls for Jason's family. ; )

 The boys' orange pants were one of my Black Friday deals. I'm trying to branch out a little with their clothes. Ha! 

They wore short sleeves Sunday to church and now we are in an ice/snow storm! School was cancelled yesterday and today.

Just a sweet picture of car hearts the boys made me. ; )

It looks like Christmas around here! I put two presents under the tree and Zach started opening one. I might try again because I have lots of gifts to wrap, but I don't know if the boys can stand it. ; )

It's nice to be snowed in. I didn't expect ice and snow this early. We have a fire going, our Christmas cards are ready to be mailed, and I'm making homemade bread. Good times!

Let my cry reach You, LORD; give me understanding according to Your word.

Psalm 119:169

He's Never Late

I love this picture. About a month ago we had some fall pictures taken. At the end of our little session Jason suggested we try to get some pics with the sun setting in the background. I'm so glad he did! The photographer was able to capture a few before it was too late.

The cross. My family. The sun. Love it all.

I was scrolling through my phone today and came across a screen shot of this passage in Habakkuk. I hope it encourages you like it has me! 

What's God going to say to my questions? I'm braced for the worst. I'll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. I'll wait to see what GOD says, how He'll answer my complaint.

And then God answered; "Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. The vision-message is a witness pointing to what's coming. It aches for the coming - it can hardly wait!

And it doesn't lie. 

If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time."

Habukkuk 2:1-3