My Heart

Colson is six weeks and one day old. ; ) I had high expectations of him sleeping through the night at six weeks, and I talked with him at length about this. I guess he didn't think I was serious. Oh well. ; ) Soon! His longest span of sleep at night is five hours, so it's nice.

I keep thinking how much I love having him in our home. He fills my arms and heart, and I feel closer to Reese in a different way than before he was born.

A few months ago one of my best friends told me about another couple who lost a baby. She thought about it a long time before she told me and said, "Reese's legacy includes your ministry." I love this thought. Anything connected to Reese gives me purpose.

Healing does come, very slowly and just how GOD sees you need it. For us Colson has been a big part of this. Just having another baby is healing in itself because it was what we wanted. Our boys also keep us so busy I don't have much time to "dwell" which is nice at times.

It's sometimes strange for me to see pictures of us as a family with Reese and now with Colson. We are the same but different than we were last year. I carry Reese always in my heart and think of her as I look at our boys together. She is the beauty that surrounds their rowdy natures.

My heart is heavy for those moms and dads who have lost a child. A year later I still cannot believe it happened to us. After Reese passed away it was very healing to talk to other mothers who had lost babies. Whether it had been ten years or ten weeks before, I soaked in their wisdom and advice. Just having heartache as our connection was comforting in it's own way.

Two weeks after Reese went to Heaven, I spoke for hours with two family friends who also have babies in Heaven. They are both a few years older than me, and we now live in different cities. I will always remember their words and truth they poured into my devastated heart.

I know my close friends have felt limited in how they could comfort me this year. Thankfully, they are not limited in their encouragement or prayers.

This is what is on my heart today. If it's healing for you, please do not stop talking about your child in Heaven. For me it's extremely helpful, but others may be more private with their grief. Both are completely fine.

Just for fun and cuteness...

This morning Zach shared his cars with Colson (notice the yellow car by Colson's head). He was so proud of himself, and there are at least two more cars that had fallen down by Colson's neck. This had to be comfortable. Ha!

So sweet. It's progress. ; )

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in Your ledger,
each ache written in Your book.

Psalm 56:8