Peekaboo

Yesterday was hard. No other reason than missing Reese, and I have been holding back tears for over a week (which I don't like to do). Life just gets busy, but ahh...what a good cry can do. It wears me out and leaves me exhausted. Crying out to GOD softens my heart and cleanses my soul. It clears my view and lets me take a deep breath.

I'm struggling with all the emotions that rage in my heart...wishing Reese was here, taking care of Zach (which I love!), and being joyful over our new little son. I'm a mom to three precious children but just feel all over the place in "mothering" them. I may share more of this later, but now I have to praise Jesus for again displaying to me His sweet presence in my upside down life. I desperately needed to hear Him.

Jason came home from work last night with a silly smile on his face, and before I could ask him what it was about he held out a local magazine Peekaboo. This month's issue is highlighting non profit organizations including Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Lisa McSpadden (our photographer from NILMDTS) took pictures of Reese with us in the hospital, and I often share them with you. She asked me to write Reese's story to be included along with information about NILMDTS for the March issue.

The article is titled "Remembering Reese", and I am one proud mama to see Reese's picture in a magazine. ; ) Thrills my heart to its core. Reese is remembered. Loved. Her life matters. GOD knew I needed something to grasp onto at this point in our journey. Some reassurance that He won't leave me in this despair. It was like He whispered, "Katie, I am working. I'm still here."

Reese's article is not posted online, but the Peekaboo magazines are easy to find in NWA if you would like to read it. The article includes pictures of Reese along with our story and NILMDTS information.

Below is what I wrote (a very condensed version of our story) if you are interested. ; ) Thank you for continuing to uphold us in prayer. GOD shows His never-ending faithfulness through our family and friends who love us and are patient with us.

Remembering Reese

Reese Catherine Rowe swept into our lives August 11, 2009, and passed away in our arms August 13, 2009. Our beautiful daughter lived barely fifty-one sweet hours, yet she changed our lives forever. She was 6 lbs. 6 oz., 18 3/4 inches long and looked just like her daddy. In our eyes, she was and will always be perfect.

Reese was born with a fully formed body and healthy internal organs but very little brain activity. Several doctors have linked the cause of her brain damage to my being diagnosed with viral encephalitis when I was six months pregnant. Her brain showed no signs of infection, however my placenta did. Throughout the last three months Reese was in utero, my placenta slowly calcified and her body reached a point where she was not getting all she needed to survive.

Her oxygen supply became inadequate when I was 37 ½ weeks pregnant causing damage to her brain. When I noticed a significant change in her movements, I went to the hospital to hear her heartbeat and ease my mind. Reese’s heartrate was a steady, nonvariable 160 beats per minute, so the physician on call knew she was in some kind of distress. An emergency C-section was performed, but the doctors who oversaw Reese gave us very little hope shortly after she was born. My husband Jason and I were shocked and heartbroken. The illness we had overcome earlier in victory ultimately led to her death.

For two days we along with our families spent as much time as we could with her and sorted through decisions no parent should ever have to make. Our last moments with Reese were captured by an amazing photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Volunteer photographers from this organization give of their time and talents to take pictures of families with their babies during their final moments.

From the minute Lisa McSpadden walked into my hospital room the morning of August 13^th, I felt a comfortable and reassuring connection with her. She took pictures of Reese with us that morning while she was still connected to life support. Lisa came back that evening to capture photos of our family with Reese after the feeding tubes, stickers, and life support were taken off her little body.

In a very devastating situation, Lisa was gentle, professional and compassionate. She took pictures of Reese from every angle, including invaluable details of her hands, feet, hair, face and profile. Lisa was with us the moment Reese went to Heaven. Only someone with a special gift would be able to handle a family’s last moments with their baby on this earth. Because of NILMDTS and Lisa’s talent, we have many pictures of our daughter’s life we will cherish forever.

Jason and I have made it through each day with the loving support and prayers of our families, friends and church. Our two-year-old son Zach also fills our home with joy and laughter. Our faith in GOD keeps us going because through Him we know we will spend eternity with Reese. We grieve with hope. The LORD has also blessed us with another baby due July 28^th. This day is one month before Reese’s due date last year August 28^th. GOD’s grace is abundant.

Our laughter and smiles remain bittersweet six months after Reese’s passing. Jason and I have grown closer than ever before as we have felt the extreme loss of our baby girl. Reese taught us many things during her short life. We are more relaxed. We cherish our time with Zach even more. We love deeper. Heaven has never been so real.

Our family will always wish Reese was with us on earth. Knowing she is not makes us homesick for Heaven. We are so thankful GOD gave her to us. She never made a sound, but in GOD’s wisdom she did not have to. Reese was a gift meant to pass through this earth as a messenger of His unfailing presence.

Our daughter will always live in our hearts. Now because of Lisa and this incredible organization NILMDTS, Reese lives on through tangible photographs. Priceless treasures. No value can ever be placed on such captured sacred moments.

My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.

Exodus 33:13