This was our first actual conversation! I had to laugh because although he has no idea what a brother or sister is, he is taking in so much more than I realize. He will be wonderful with his new little sibling.
After Bible study Tuesday as we drove past Reese's garden, he was calling out her name again. I said, "Zach, Reese is in Heaven, but we can come here to remember her...even though we are always thinking about her." He kept repeating "-member, -member."
I love watching Zach at this age. I love that I don't have to be deep with him concerning Reese while continuing to create her place in our family. I want talking about Reese to be such a normal part of our everyday lives. Jason and I don't talk to him about her in a sad way, just like she is his baby sister that is in Heaven.
At times it can be a little "too normal" if this makes any sense. Overall it's a very good thing, just another one of my conflicting emotions playing tug-of-war in my heart. We can talk about Reese, look at her pictures, praise GOD for her life, but she is still not here. None of this brings her back, but we keep her memory alive and always will. The good days are so much more in between the hard ones, but the ache and pain is still so severe, sharp, and deep. I just want my little girl back.
Yesterday I was so excited to buy little Valentine's for Zach to hand out at "school" next week. I went to Hobby Lobby to have "Mine for a Moment" framed before I bought them. It took about an hour for me to pick out just the perfect matte and frame for the print. While I was there the song "Butterfly Kisses" came on. I haven't heard this song in forever but just lost it. It's such a tender song to begin with, but when I thought about how we'll never even get those kisses from Reese in the first place it was too much. My brokenness takes me by surprise sometimes.
As I checked out, I prayed over and over, "LORD, fill my broken places. Fill my endless "never will haves" with Reese. I believe You will. Only You can. Fill me, fill me."
If Reese had lived she would be a very very sick little girl. GOD has comforted my heart countless times by reminding me that she is alive, healthy, and free in Heaven. Not trapped in her little body, but living a dream. As her mom, I would truly choose that for her, too.
Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.
James 4:14
What you said at the end reminds me of a country song that is about losing someone you love and it says-
ReplyDeleteI’m gonna miss that smile,
I’m gonna miss you my friend,
Even though it hurts the way it ended up, I’d do it all again,
So play it sweet in heaven, ‘Cause that’s right where you wana be,
I’m not crying because I feel so sorry for you, I’m crying for me.
I pray for you daily. Jesus will heal your heart. He is with you holding you tightly through it all.
Katie, your words NEVER cease to bless my spirit and hit the very core. I’m always blessed to see your willingness and faithfulness to praise God in the hard and difficult times that still manifest in the whole grieving process. I don’t think I will EVER get tired of hearing about sweet “Weese”. Love you!
ReplyDeleteKatie,
ReplyDeleteO.K. I have tears streaming down my cheeks as I read this post! Your strength and faith amazes me beyond belief! You are an amazing woman, mother, and friend! I am so glad we are "bloggy" friends! Your words comfort me when I need them most as I hope mine does you!!
That is sooo sweet that Z understands to a certain extent about Reese and that is the cutest he calls her "Weese"! I think that is wonderful that you are telling him about her!
I pray more than anything that you are blessed with the most healthiest baby!!
I cried when I read about the "Butterfly Kisses" that song makes me cry and I haven't even been through what you have! You are so strong! You amaze me daily!
I hope you have a great weekend and girly when are ya gonna post ultrasound pics LOL
Summer :0)
I am always so blessed by your words and your ability to let God fill your broken places and all the "never will haves". I just teared up thinking about you hearing "Butterfly Kisses" in Hobby Lobby. I want you know that I made a vow to pray for you everyday a while back. I drive by a street named Reese on my way out of my subdivision. That is one reminder to me and the other is every time I drive past Baylor and see Pat Neff Hall I say a prayer for the Rowe family. Funny how the Lord uses little reminders! I am so happy to hear how the Lord is working in your lives. I know that there are some really hard days, hard moments, but I am glad there are some good days sprinkled in too!
ReplyDeleteAhh.. Katie!
ReplyDeleteI am amazed by your strength and admire your trust in the Lord. I follow a couple blogs where mothers died unexpectedly after childbirth, and I imagine those mothers watching after your sweet Reese and other babies in Heaven. (http://bandssullivan.blogspot.com)
I pray for those families and for yours. I know your new little peanut will touch lives as well, for the new baby wouldnt be if it wasnt for your precious Reese.
Hope you have a great weekend :)
Oh Katie - My heart continues to ache for your loss and I pray that you soon feel GOD fill you up, even though I know HE is already working, slowly. I am thankful that for the sweet moments you share with Zach because it is truly what your heart needs. Your life is forever changed and one day you will look back and see the woman you have become from traveling this journey. And you will be amazed. Just like the rest of us already are.
ReplyDeleteHow cute is Zach. How sweet!!! I feel so sad for you, I can't imagine the hurt you feel. Your strength and faith is soooo amazing. You are amazing. I pray for you still and think of you tons every single day.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I heard a message on the radio and the speaker was talking about the word for 'death' in the Bible. The Bible often talks about 'going to sleep'. I love that vision - going to sleep as it is so peaceful and natural. You have kept Reese alive in your family in such a natural way. Zach will never really have too many memories, but the naturalness keeps her in his mind as someone important in his life. Allow God to continue to fill those broken places. He is good at that.
ReplyDeleteAbby and I talk about Reese too! I love to talk about her with Abs. Love you, sis.
ReplyDeleteSo sweet. Love hearing how they rationalize things. Z sounds like tons of fun!
ReplyDeleteThis is a precious post, Katie.
ReplyDeleteZach is so precious!
ReplyDeleteYour faith and courage continue to amaze me. Thank you for being so honest and sharing your heart.
Katie, as I read your post it reminded me of my cousin Lance. Lance was like a brother to me and was killed when he was 23 while scuba diving. He wrote something when he was in high school after having a wreck that broke his neck and almost killed him. It was read at his funeral 5 years later and I'm sure it never occured to him that it would be read like that while he was writing it. I wanted to share it with you because it's always made me think and I keep it up in my home. It's called "A Moral Views Mortality" As I write now, it seems funny as I think about the differences between what I used to think that I knew and what I know. I used to worry about getting speeding tickets and wrecking the car. I never thought about getting hurt other than a slight bruise or bump. Whether I thought that I had a personal force field or that God looked out especially for me, I do not know. Even the wrecks that I had experienced failed to impress upon me my own mortality.They did, however, impress upon me the mortality of others. Now, after my accident, I think I have come to realize how I was just fooling myself. The accident has taught me about safety,but it has also taught me to enjoy life. For if our lives are as frail as bubbles in a bubble bath (an interesting metaphos for there are always plenty to replace you when you go) we should strive to make each day worth living. We should prepare for the future, but we should not put all our time into it. I hope that I have a better aspect of my outlook on life and I shall hold my mortality close to me for life is lived but once.
ReplyDeleteI love that you can talk about Reese with Zach now - the two way conversations will only become more precious and Reese will ALWAYS be a part of his memory. I can only imagine how bittersweet this pregnancy must continue to be - praying for more joy over pain. Miss you and love you friend!
ReplyDeleteHi Katie,
ReplyDeleteI have never commented on your blog before, but I read daily. We lost our first daughter, Maddie Jayne, in October 2006 when I was 28 weeks pregnant. I still miss her SO much. I have a healthy, spunky two-year old now. I still miss my sweet Maddie and still have holes in my heart. My Jesus comforts me always! I can't wait until Ava Jayne and I can visit about sweet Maddie.
You are such a beautiful person. Your words are so so comforting. As the anniversary of losing my dad came and passed on Tuesday (2/2), I couldn't help thinking about you and your family. I am truly blessed by you every time I read your entries. I love clicking on your link on my page and reading your loving words. You are a blessing. Thank you.
ReplyDeletekatie
ps. I'm glad you, Jenny and Ben got to spend some quality time together. I just love them! :)
Wow, Katie, what a powerful post. Thanks for sharing. I love your prayer...it is what should be the prayer of all of our hearts because that is what God wants to do for us...to fill us with Him. I love how Zach talks of Reese...sweet boy. Can't wait to see ya'll NEXT weekend!!!!!! love you!
ReplyDeleteI just was talking to a friend today and was saying, "I KNOW God knows the big picture! I KNOW He does, but it would be nice if I could just see a glimpse of it ; )" I've been singing in my head alot a tenth avenue north song, that says " so many questions with out answers, your promises remain, I can't see but I'll take my chances to hear you call my name" I love that theme for my life right now. Maybe it will encourage you too. I am so encouraged by your walk with God thru this trial. The end of the song asks for God to hold my heart! And I just know He holds our hearts in the palm of His hands! praying!
ReplyDeleteKatie! I just love your blog. You minister to me so much. I continue to hold you very close in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteTHIS right here spoke to me more than you can ever imagine.I love your heart, your boldness and the fact that you are just you.. the good days, the sad days, the bad days... I pray that you will always right about Reese because you do have a story to tell, her story. And it being told blesses people like you will never know!
ReplyDeleteWhat a precious big "brudder"!! That is so awesome how he knows about his baby sister and that he's excited for this new little one!
ReplyDeletePraying for peace and health!!
Ohh, I love the Toby Keith song that was quoted in the first comment. I wonder if you have heard it. I love that Z said that about Weese. I believe he has more of a connection with her that you know. He did put the little angel on her crib...remember? Of course you do. :) I am sure it is so conflicting in your mind. I know you want Reese to be "Free", but you would give anything to have her. Push through, pray, and keep your sweet head up.
ReplyDeleteHi Katie,
ReplyDeleteI read a verse this morning and like so many times, think of you. I can't remember if I shared it before though?
" And Jacob awaked out of his sleep, and he said, Surely the Lord is in this place; and I knew it not. And he was afraid, and said, How dreadful is this place! this is none other but the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven. (Gen 28 16-17)
The places the Lord brings us to can seem so dreadful, especially the place of death. Yet Jacob acknowledged that the Lord was there in the midst! I was blessed by the thought that the most dreadful place can also be one of the most beautiful places, with the Lord with us and then to think that the dreadful place is a nearness to heaven itself, "the gate of heaven." Like you, with our Joel being there, my mind and heart is at the gate of heaven most of the time, thinking, wondering what they are up to?
Continuing in prayer for ya,
Cindy
Me again,
ReplyDeleteI left you something over at my blog....Thanks for always being sooo sweet to me
Summer :0)
You never cease to amaze me with your heartfelt words. They are still beautiful, in the midst of your sadness.I admire your strength to praise God during the hardest time of your life. But it is true...she is free flying in Heaven above. And the promise that you shall spend eternity with her is something to keep you going strong! You should write a book! Really, I would buy it in a second! xoxox
ReplyDeletePrecious little Zach! What a blessing he is to you and you guys are to him.
ReplyDeleteStill praying and thinking of you, girl! :)
Hi Katie, such a beautiful post. Your conversations with Zach are so precious. Thinking of you and your precious family. I hope you have been feeling well and having a smooth pregnancy.
ReplyDeleteKaren
Beautiful family picture! You are a wonderful mother and ALL of your children are blessed to have you as a mother. Your faith is a great testament!
ReplyDeleteMany hugs and prayers. I think that if you were not broken that you wouldn't have the amazing relationship with our Heavenly Father.
ReplyDeleteYou are so strong.
I can't listen to Butterfy Kisses without tears. It was the song that my dad and I danced to at our wedding only to have him pass a short while later.
I guess that makes me broken, but I know it's because I cherish the time that we spent together and the gift of grace and forgiveness in my life.
Have a great day.
Hi Katie! I have been reading your blog and praying for your sweet family for several months now but have never left a comment. My brother passed away at 19 from a car accident and I still enjoy talking about him and looking at his pictures. I was 13 at the time so of course I understood what happened. I sometimes love to think about what might have been, but God makes everything happen according to his plan and that is so comforting. I am not sure if I read this on one of your post or someone elses but I just love it....Our family/friends are leased to us by the Lord. Everyone and everything blongs to him! Sometimes so hard to fathom but so true!
ReplyDeleteI love reading your blog. You are so inspirational, and I admire how your faith is getting you through all your trials--no matter how big they are. I hope that you guys are staying warm!!
ReplyDeleteXoXo
ReplyDeleteKatie, you are just precious. You are such a blessing to me. I'm a little late in reading this, but I needed this post today...thank you.
ReplyDeleteTwo years, one month, two weeks and four days and the brokenness can still knock me flat.
ReplyDeleteThank you for always being so open.
I had no idea she would be so sick if she hadn't died. I hesitate to say this,but I think I've left enough comments here that you KNOW I mean it only in the kindest way. It almost makes me feel a little better knowing that she is free from pain in Heaven,unlike she would be be here had she lived. Of course I KNOW you wish she was in your arms(and I wish that for you too),but knowing that just helps me a little. I hope you understand what I'm trying to say! ♥♥
ReplyDelete